Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

You are on Mumsnet, so you are going to get a lot of mums who love being full time mums, and spending all their time with their babies, and that is a box that doesn't perfectly fit everyone. I went back to work after 3 months with my first, and it was life changing. She was angry, clingy, frustrating, colicky, a general tyrant of a child. I used to clock watch the minutes from 3pm until my DH came home when I was on mat leave. He is a fantastic dad, but that doesn't make it easier being trapped at home, and to me, it felt like I was trapped. The mums groups weren't my scene, I wanted to rant about how semi miserable the trenches of infant years can be, and hearing people talking about their wonderful days with their babies just made me feel worse. You sound like a smart, independent person who is adjusting to parenting. It can be part of you without being all of you. We ended up in couples therapy by 8 months of baby and it was so helpful re. getting on the same page, dividing responsibilities, making time for each other etc. I strongly recommend that. Also, don't move to Dubai unless you will be able to carve out an actual life, a job and a friend group there. Doing that in your current setup would be incredibly isolating.

I am so sorry to hear about the baby blues. I waited a long time to be a mum. 8 years of ivf but when it did happen, I was so unsure/down/unhappy. I thought motherhood was the loneliest place on earth despite all the joy of a new baby. Glad you are getting help!

i don’t really like Dubai having lived there and following my husband career. He still travels weekly and I am with a 4 month old alone 5 to 10 days at a time!!! And it does take its toll. We get on well but when he gets back I haven’t even the energy to smile at him despite knowing that his hard work gives me a very lush lifestyle…(am a professional too) but no pressure from him to return to work! The baby is still young and he has offered to tahr us on his trips of that would help..
so slightly different than your situation but if you two are really not getting on then divorce but I think it would be harder for you and your little one.
I think you are just lonely after a very intense and difficult period so maybe wait until you are truly feeling ok in yourself to make desicion? In that time, go out with your baby, see family fill your might change your perspective.

I don’t think your husbands job or odd hours is the issue. Refusing the have sole care of baby overnight before flying an airplane is absolutely the right call!

Having a small baby is exhausting. Are you breastfeeding? I felt as though I didn’t get a second to myself (ebf all my Velcro babies) and just wanted to eat my lunch without holding them, the first particularly would not be put down. It’s such a huge adjustment from from your pre-baby life with a professional job. It will get easier. In the meantime can you find a gym with a crèche? Attend some fun baby groups with other mums? Use shared parental leave so husband gets some time off with baby and sees what you’re dealing with?

Dubai is not the answer don’t entertain that.

I agree. This is still early days in terms of getting to grips with parenthood. You are just coming out of PND, It’s bloody tough regardless of your partners job. It would be even tougher as a single parent. Don’t knee jerk or look for a quick fix, there isn’t one. There’s no going back to the life you had before your baby.

Personally, I would be outsourcing as much as I possibly could - cleaning, ironing, meal prep boxes and definitely some childcare. Could you hire a nanny or look at using a nursery a day or two each week. Use the time to get back some of yourself - join the gym, meet friends for coffee etc. Going back to work will help you to feel that you are more than just a mum.

I think if you give yourself some time and space then you will be able to see more clearly whether your husband primarily is the problem.

OP has clarified that her husband only refuses to look after the baby when he needs to sleep before flying the next day. This is perfectly reasonable - he is legally required to be well rested before operating a plane with the lives of hundreds of people in his hands.

OP could leave the baby with her husband on his off days and go for a walk, but she’s choosing not to out of a feeling that they need to spend all his time off together and because the baby, when awake, only wants her. But if they were to divorce, as she fantasises, she would be leaving the baby alone with him frequently whether or not the baby liked it, so I really don’t understand why she’s martyring herself by not doing that now.

Get a nanny based on needing help as a need to recover from PND, stay in the UK though.
Then you wouldn't be alone with baby.

These are the hardest years and they get better, I promise. You feel like you have lost your independence, your autonomy, you are totally exhausted and the idea of space and time to yourself seems utterly unobtainable. I think you are saying that if you are divorced it will mean you have free time away from your baby, that you will be able to breathe without anyone needing you. It makes sense.

It sounds like you are grieving your life before, when you could do what you wanted, when you wanted. That has changed and you feel that loss deeply. I want to encourage you to sit with that. It absolutely sucks. Your body has changed, some tiny person is totally dependent on the care adults around them provide and it feels too hard. And you don’t need to do anything today, not divorce or Dubai. You can think about it again tomorrow, and keep thinking until you find a solution that feels right.

I guess the same as military families, which I was fortunate to be part of as a child and it was brilliant to live in different countries. Yes it wasn't a typical childhood with Dad being present because he was working away.

Your DH will be earning a lot more.

So the option of a lavish lifestyle with lots of help doesn't appeal to you? Of course not when young and in love, bit given the option later in life I would jump at it! Xx

I don't know any Westerner who had their passport withheld or was stopped from leaving the country. The nearest was a Western woman who was married to a non-Gulf Arab, took her children home for Christmas and didn't return. Why would any man want to keep you or your child in the UAE against their will?

Hi OP, Many jobs (police, nurse, doctor, army, navy, professional sportsman, drivers, train operators, cleaners, hotel staff, cooks, retail etc etc) all require shift work and unsociable hours and I think if a man came on this platform and moaned about the job his wife had done before they met, when they dated and after having children (and which paid amazingly) and is now resentful of you continuing to do it he would be lynched. You mention he goes to bed early but also fail to mention what time he has to get up on those days? 4am? 4.30am? You also fail to mention the time he must get off - pilots have strict working hours over a month.The Dubai pressure is different and any move should be jointly consensual but I think you are being very unreasonable with your DH regarding his hours. If you have a good job, and he is a pilot, I see no reason why you can’t hire some additional help as well. What I would point out is the number of single mothers in my DD school who manage to work and look after DC (with support from family / friends). I think YUBU and should see The privilege you have.

I've only ever been under the care of a gp for my mental health. My assumption is that yours is more serious as you're under psychiatric care?
Please don't make big decisions whilst your mh is poor and your baby is so young.

She'll have more autonomy, doesn't sound like she has much now.
Dinner at 4.45 then an evening tiptoeing?

Well you could do the divorce however you can't force Co parenting

Very true. I'd also prefer divorce and solo parenting to living in Dubai 😆

Dubai will lead to him being unfaithful. Monogamy and faithfulness in marriage are given very little value there.

Cant your DH take time off, unpaid?
Can you move so your finances are not so stretched?
Can you get help at home?

Don’t ever give up your career…that’ll impoverish you and be detrimental to you in the long term

OP apologies I am coming to your post late in the day but just wanted to reach out as I have been in a very similar situation. Our children are now broadly grown up but many years ago I could have written your exact post, including having PPD with first baby and DH being an airline pilot.
It's hard to put into words how you can feel so very isolated and lonely surrounded by a child/ren whilst also feeling completely stifled at the same time. I think it's the mental and emotional load of it all on top of the physical exhaustion and trying to juggle everything. It's easy to lose sight of who you are and not recognise the person you have become.
What I would say from personal experience is try not to make any huge life altering decisions whilst you are this wrung out. I too semi-fantasised about divorce being an option but in reality, it was the exhaustion and loneliness that I wanted to get away from, not my husband. No matter how wanted and planned your child, no matter how often you have babysat or had experience of other people's children, the practical reality of your having your own and the total life changes this brings cannot be underestimated.

Your baby is still very young and your life is in total upheaval in a way that even the best of father's can't relate to. It sounds like your DH is trying to be supportive when possible around his working hours and open communication between you both is really important.
I don't think moving somewhere completely new, even if you could afford more help on a practical front is the best idea - swapping one set of issues for different ones in a country you don't know (or like) and without the support network of friends and family you currently have, not to mention there are the challenges of different customs and laws.
Easier said than done but try to prioritise rest and protect some you time when possible. Accept all offers of help and do your best to remind yourself that things will get better in time. In a way it's partly grieving for and accepting that your old life has gone but your new one, whilst unfamiliar and seemingly relentless now, will evolve. I hope you can find happiness and a way through for yourself and family.