Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

You are almost verbatim describing how I felt. And many friends felt the same. It is common. The baby year is groundhog days. I remember feeling overjoyed to need root canal treatment because it meant I could sit in a dentist's chair all by myself for two hours. Twice.😆 I felt sick with jealousy at my husband's daily rush hour commute. He might be straphanging with strangers' BO in his nostrils but at least he could think his own thoughts.

Three things I did that massively changed my life

1. have a half day (4 hours) to yourself every week. The rest of the weekend/husband's time off, you spend together. But you need half a day, once a week. Get haircut, read a book, go for coffee. It's vital that your husband understands this. And if he feels it's unfair to land him alone after he's worked all week, point out how hard it is for you to keep doing what he's finding hard to do for only four hours, every hour of every day without even being able to pee in peace. Men don't get it. They can't unless we share the load, explain clearly and unemotionally, and state our needs without ambiguity.

2. Go out of the house every day and have a conversation with an adult. Join playgroups, church baby groups, baby swimming, baby yoga, baby music etc. These are for the mothers' sanity. Try and chat about something other than the baby at times. (Can be hard - new mums are obsessive) These may be temporary friendships, you may only have new motherhood in common. It doesn't matter. Summer is on its way. You can hang out together on walks and picnics in the park. Keep an eye on each other's babies while you go to the loo or take a phone call, share tips on sleep, weaning, good babysitters, cleaners etc. Crack in-jokes. Occasionally get to talk about TV shows or books or careers.

3. Get a sitter and do something once a week with DH. Not dinner or drinks. You are knackered and have no conversation. Go to a film, a comedy night, a gig. Do something you can chat about afterwards.

I can't think of anything worse than living in Dubai. It would be divorce and co-parenting for me!

I forgot yo add, one thing that happened when I got half a day on my own once a week was that I stopped feeling resentment to DH and that helped our marriage.

I think that is your issue actually he isn’t listening, he isn’t trying to see what small minor things he could do to make your life easier all he wants is to make the move he wants all along

Wonderful advice. I think we could all learn from it!

This all sounds like normal having a baby drudgery.

I dreamt of divorce all of the time! I needed a break! In reality what I needed was to go back to work and get a bit of me back 😂

Hang in there. It will get better.

If needed I would downsize, move to a cheaper area and spend the money on childcare.

Firstly, I absolutely wouldn’t move to Dubai. You’re just shifting the problem to a different part of the world. One where you’d probably feel even more isolated.

Secondly, I think this is somewhat just down to having a young baby and being largely on your own. It’s hard. Really hard! So don’t make any rash decisions right now.

Right now, your DH needs to facilitate you having a bit of ‘me’ time when he’s on days off. Even if that’s just a lie in and a long bath/dog walk/coffee shop etc. You need a break too.

Also, I don’t know how feasible it is to move but your mortgage is eye watering for a three bedroom standard house! Could you move to somewhere a bit cheaper and pay for some help? Nanny/cleaner/nursery? Anything to just give you a break?

You are at a very difficult stage of life. Being at home with a very young baby is isolating and exhausting. You probably resent your husband carrying on like he always has while you are on “ Groundhog Day” it will get better when your baby gets older and starts going to clubs/nursery and you go back to work . I wouldn’t make any big decisions just yet but do talk to husband about how you feel . You have had a lot of readjustment, he has not

Totally agree. When I had a small baby, I thought oh no what have I done, and was experiencing anxiety. But it got better after 4 months when dc slept more throughout the night. Unfortunately having a young baby is like Groundhog Day but sounds like your DH does his share when not working. Fair enough you doing the baby care the night before DH gets up for an early flight. I get that your life has totally changed, but that comes with the territory of having a young baby. Do you go out to baby groups, meet like minded new mums? Do you still see friends? Can a family member have baby for a few hours while you go for a long walk etc? I don’t think moving to Dubai will fix this, you will be even further for your support network and will be often alone in a new place while DH is off working

I so feel your pain😪😪 I was 42 when my DD was born, and although I loved her more than life I desperately didn't want to be stuck at home with her, made worse as she was a winter baby so I couldn't get out much. I was very unwell after delivery and I think that contributed to ppd. I used to wake up every morning and cry, then just put on a brave face and get on with it. I told no one until I burst into tears at my 6 week check and was prescribed
anti d's. I had a very supportive family but Dh merrily went to.work.everyday and often worked overtime, not coming back until I was asleep. I hung on in but many years later wondered how I did it,. Please make sure you do only what is best for you and baby, moving, nannies, cleaners, none of this will help because the root cause is still there, keep up with your treatment and stay where you feel.safe. sending hugs🥰🥰

It sounds very much like you are still struggling greatly with PPD op. Divorcing your husband is not the answer to time to yourself. And you said he pulls his weight when he isnt working. Its more than reasonable he needs rest before flying.

This sounds like its the responsibility the baby has brought is the issue, thats what has taken your freedom, not your husbands job. Could you join some mother and baby groups and meet some other mums? As baby gets older it would be great to have other mums and toddlers for play dates, a coffee and a chat, even childcare. Babies are so tough but it does get easier. I think getting back to work if and when will really help you.

Best of luck x

It sounds like you’re ready to divorce before you decide could your mum or dh have dc and you go away for a weekend somewhere to chill. It might be what you need to recharge your mind it is very hard work to be a mum and it can be very lonely it might get easier when you get back to work as you will probably have child care or a nursery then you could do your thing and if this still making you feel trapped then discuss a divorce and custody but if your dh is away a lot it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be here anymore than he is now.

I divorced my DDs Father because be simply didn’t do his share. Of anything! I figured if we were apart at least he’d have to do 50% of the parenting. It will be seven years this summer since he last seen our daughters. Your husband appears to prioritise his career over you and your DC. That won’t change. You can’t make him step up.

If you were fine with it pre baby I’d think it’s more your PND that’s talking. (I had PNP and know how much it affects your thinking)

You knew what sort of life you’d have and was happy with it, maybe wait until you’re back at work with more normality around you before you make any major life moves. Being a single parent will not be automatically better, he won’t be able to parent 50/50 (and no court would make him), in fact you’d be expected to work contact around his shift patterns which can make life really hard when they don’t have regular shifts. (My friend was an attendant and her ex had the kids, he had to work around her shifts and he couldn’t plan anything).

have you spoken to your psychiatrist about how you’re feeling?

I don't want to make you feel worse OP but now imagine feeling this way, stuck in the ME and no way to leave because they can easily take away yours and baby's passports should your husband try to stop you. I really would not be moving under these circumstances.

I think most of us felt very similar to you with our first born. It completely changes your life which now revolves around the baby. Slightly in defense of your husband, if he’s a pilot he’s in a safety critical role so sleep is important. My husband worked away from home and that wasn’t going to change so I built my own schedule, made mum friends on an internet app and paid for a babysitter to help out for a couple of hours once or twice a week so I could just get some time out. You can’t change is his schedule so you need to take charge of what you are in control of x

I didn’t enjoy maternity leave with my first child. It’s such a big change and I felt lonely and isolated. Husband was around and tried his best but didn’t really get it. Life improved drastically when I went back to work and felt I got a bit of myself back. I don’t think moving to Dubai is going to help. It does get easier as the children get a bit older and you have a better balance for yourself.

Just read your update - can you not organise for someone to take baby even one afternoon a week so you can have some quality time to yourself?

I felt like this on both maternity leaves…haaaated it. Guess I was almost resentful that he got to go out to work and I had to stay at home and be a slave to the house and baby schedule like you said

It got much easier when I went back to work and felt like I had a small amount of normality again

@YoNoHeSido77 If you were fine with it pre baby I’d think it’s more your PND that’s talking.

Many of us don't appreciate how hard a baby can be before we have one (myself included).

Have you told your psychiatrist all this? I had severe post natal depression and needed that return to work to be anything but “just” mum/wife. I would really suggest trying to find a local mum and baby group - singing and signing or tots groups just to meet other mums. It really does help to have someone to meet for a coffee or have round at yours. I used to have my antenatal group mums round for coffee once a week, and after a while we did each others homes on rotation. Before the babies were crawling we used to lay they down on play mats whilst we had a coffee and a chat… obviously watching our babies at the same time. It was an absolute hour of sanity that was needed. I also used to have a bath with the baby in the bathroom in a bouncy chair. Usually I would feed and change him, run my bath and he would have his afternoon nap whilst I had a soak.

you need to give your self permission to let some things slide. Don’t worry if the washing doesn’t get done one day or tea is a meal for two from the supermarket or a bag of chips, or even sandwiches. One day a week or even two it doesn’t matter.

make the effort to go for a daily walk. It will make your skin feel healthier and baby crying doesn’t seem to bad when you’re in nature. Take a book and if baby sleeps, sit on a bench and read a chapter or two. Find out if your local gym has a crèche facility - some do! Find a hobby. Something like crochet or needle craft or painting, even painting your nails! Something that you can do for you. And that you enjoy. …

but don’t sit at home for your maternity leave it will drive your crazy.

I have friends that have moved there and the life is wonderful great for kids and very very safe loads of clubs and things to do for
mums, I think you’d have a great support network and a fabulous life, I’d do it who wants to stay here unsafe for kids and mums

This sounds like PND and probably not helped by baby needing you more. Before you do anything get some marriage counselling in addition to the PND support. You will come out the other side and your baby will be more self sufficient or in childcare and you can go to the gym and all the stuff that kept you busy before.
You need to try and step away from blaming every little thing on your DH job. Please get some more help. This will work itself through but you need a way to express your frustration. Good luck.

Why on earth can’t he look after him for a couple of hours? That’s ridiculous to say you need a childminder for that!

You knew your DH job before you had the baby, his shifts are not his fault you are BU.
Get a babysitter, go to the gym or some other activities and get back to work and hopefully you may feel differently