Called out colleague in team meeting

[Vergus]

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

I detest bullies. Well done for speaking up op. She seems like a sly little snake so it would be hard to prove anything, but do start documenting it. Hopefully she’ll leave you alone now she knows you’re wise to her.

Well done OP. You dealt with it really well. Definitely don’t reply. Don’t give her ammo and let her stew.

I wouldn't reply either. Let her sweat. If it happens in future meetings, I'd go with a polite 'Sophie, did you want to say something?' so all eyes are on her.

Definitely don’t reply OP!!

well done you’re winning ! 💪

A SAR request is obviously only something one does if you intend to ask for their grievance policy.

But calmly stopping and asking every time she laughs in future, if she does, and keeping careful note of times, is wise.

The laughing is bullying (humiliation) and the typing while you’re talking is micro-aggression (also bullying). You were right to call it out. Keep doing it. As suggested, being curious (not furious) is the way to go. Ask a question about the behaviour you’re witnessing. Try to keep the question as neutral as possible so you avoid falling into the parent/child trap; keep it adult. Your response was a little passive aggressive but, if you have to call Sophie out again, you can simply describe the behaviour you’re witnessing (I see Sophie laughing) and then ask her to explain why.

Is anyone really going to notice though? If I did, I'd assume that a person was wiping a smudge off the screen or something. I'd never think it was placing a post it over someone!

Ugh, she sounds vile. But you haven't responded to the idea of speaking to your manager so they can speak to hers - is there something in particular holding you back OP? Worth thinking through what makes you anxious about that idea.

I think if I were you I would say to your manager effectively ''you probably noticed that I mentioned Sophie's actions today - I haven't previously because I have wanted to take the high ground, but it's been going on for years."

Leave it there and see how they respond - put the ball in their court. I think it will be useful to know how the land lies, and then you can make a decision on next steps if any.

Well done for calling her out but I think you need to contact HR about her behaviour - to protect yourself as well. Keep notes about her behaviour towards you...

Have you really never encountered people doing their emails, reading something unrelated or even having a side chat in in-person meetings? I'm not saying it's good or polite practice, but it is very common!

I think you should ignore her message but screenshot it and start creating a diary.

I think you should ultimately have a hard conversation with yourself:

• would you be taken seriously if you complained about her?
• would management choose her over you?
• would your workplace become more intolerable?
• is this environment healthy for you?
• is it worth looking for other jobs now before things get worse?

The first time this happened you should have taken action.

i can guess what her next move is, she’s going to say that YOU are bullying her. That you embarrassed her in front of everyone. That you’re always difficult and snapping at her. It’s a textbook move to attack before you are attacked in toxic workplaces

Well done! I've been in 2 meetings in the past where I was blindsided by a group lead by my manager and what I should have done was walk out and look for another job.

Fortunately she isn't your manager and I agree do not respond to her. Anything from her from now on is in writing.

I've found that some people are just jealous of you for just being you.

You've handled this superbly, OP. Her behaviour in the meetings was rude and unprofessional and you pulled her up in just the right tone. No confrontation, no making other team members embarrassed, just a frank acknowledgement that you've clocked what she was doing.

And if it's really true that 'men don't notice' this type of behaviour, they also won't notice lightly made comments should she repeat in future: such as 'are you okay there, Sophie, was there something you wanted to add?' Another good strategy against snide, PA digs is also to ask them to repeat what they said.

I agree with your inclination not to respond. No interaction offside/offscreen is much the safest measure. Bullies dislike silence because they can't argue with it. You'll also be giving her absolutely no ammunition. You can't be disciplined for something you haven't said.

Kudos!

Hi OP, well done for standing up for yourself. The only thing I would add is I would not stop because she is laughing - why should she get the power to cut you short? I would rather do a version of: 'before I continue, can I just check Sophie why are you laughing?' Then silence, until she replies. Then use whatever she says to formulate a response. Assuming she does a version of 'nothing to do with you guv' sorry, then say 'well if you are finished now I'll continue...'. And I would do it every.single.time.
I also would not reply to her subsequent message. Agree she is trying to get some dirt on you she can use to paint you in the wrong.
God I hate people like that.
Gather your proofs and document everything and if she does not pack it in, when you have enough raise a complaint - make sure it is watertight though. Try very hard not to have 1 on 1 conversations with her if possible - she will lie.

Totally agree don't reply. There isn't a question in her message anyway.

She sounds dangerous in that she is has the potential to manufacture trouble or question marks. I would avoid avoid avoid her as much as possible - don't speak to or about her. Go totally vanilla ice cream - keep everything simple and sweet.

I suspect the reality is that others can see her and her behaviour for what it is. And ultimately it marks her out as insecure and immature. So rise way above it.

@MeridianB

She sounds dangerous in that she is has the potential to manufacture trouble or question marks.

This. And,

@Changeyourlifes

i can guess what her next move is, she’s going to say that YOU are bullying her. That you embarrassed her in front of everyone. That you’re always difficult and snapping at her. It’s a textbook move to attack before you are attacked in toxic workplaces

Despite my bravado in the meeting, I am actually very wary of this colleague. She has called others out, including the Team Manager before - he was worried an HR complaint was coming his way - he said as much in the meeting afterwards. Then they were as sweet as pie to one another when we went for drinks afterwards. It was totally weird and I think she is looking for trouble. It's horrible. I still haven't responded and now, after reading the very astute advice on this thread (thanks all) I certainly won't do or say anything that could be used against me. I am on shaky ground because although my work is good and I'm always professional, I feel that she is highly regarded by managers and seniors. Unless they are keeping her sweet because they too can see the danger!

Are these meetings recorded @Vergus - if so if reviewed due to any allegations by her - they will show repeated instances of her behaviour on work calls.

could you request access to a few copies for something?

OP shouldn't use words like "sniggering" or be drawn on any feelings of being bullied. The second she shows emotion here, she's lost.

She should keep her complaint along the lines of:

"I feel that Sophie isn't paying attention during my presentations. She always seems to be laughing or texting someone while I'm talking. It's getting distracting. Have you noticed this, Manager? Could you have a word with her about professionalism?"

Stick to that like glue and don't be drawn on anything else. Don't let on how upsetting the situation really is. Vent somewhere safe and resist the temptation to have it out at work. If someone is more popular and well-connected than you, you will be made into the problem and it won't end up the way you want.

Remember: every time you stay calm and don't allow yourself to be drawn, it's a victory against her. She wants a reaction. Don't give it her! You might feel like you're giving in in the moment, but if you reframe it this way in your head, you'll start to feel differently, and draw strength from playing dumb and being as blank as possible.

She only messaged you privately because she knows she’s in the wrong. She’s panicking that you will take it further.

Am i the only person who has been obsessively looking at people on teams meetings? I certainly cant see who is typing or laughing. Maybe i need a bigger screen.

This 100%

IGNORE !!!!!!!

You could request a subject access request and find out if any messages were written about you. If you really want to go for the jugular that is.

No one obsessively looks at people on teams, unless YOU are the issue lol

• Imagine, someone asks you a question and you zoom in on someone else whilst you are answering just to watch to see what face they make as you speak
• Or, someone else is presenting but you're so focused on what x is doing in case you can 'catch her out' and knock her off that perch she seems to be on
• Better yet, you are speaking, whether it be presenting something or just an update. You are SO good that you can focus entirely on x, never needing to refer to notes or glance away whilst navigating screens

And you are SO good that you just know what, and who to, when you see her typing

It is very clear who is obsessive here and she probably has no idea that OP is fixated on her. I'd be surprised if others didn't notice OP though

Be ready for next time. "I can see Sophie is laughing, I'm not sure what's so funny but I'd appreciate respect and attention when I am speaking". Record the meeting on your phone. Then go to your boss.