Called out colleague in team meeting

[Vergus]

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

No, don't do this. You're fondly imagining that mean girl will see the error of her ways. She already knows exactly what she's doing. And she doesn't care!

I wouldn’t worry, they probably just think you’re clueless, rude and unprofessional.

Sidenote - No video calls in the 50s, and standard phone calls went through a switchboard. So not a thing. Bullies, though? Timeless.

Funnily enough, people like people who have a sense of humor. Just on my third promotion at work and genuinely incredibly well liked. But hey, what do I know.

Also amazing how nany people just assume OP is right and don't stop to ask her if she might just be being anxious because she's decided someone is x, y, z. But on what basis? Nothing I've read appears very catty or rude. The colleague leaned in and listened intently to a senior person!!! Shocking, must be up to no good. Colleague checks in after OP is out of character on a call - must be guilty conscience? Or maybe, just maybe, they are trying to be nice.

There is a huge danger in projecting our feelings into others behaviour without cause. Maybe you and OP wouldn't chat off topic during a call, but to leap to the paranoid conclusion that this is about the presenter and bullying is far fetched.

Three work rules: Assume the best. Deal with the worst if it happens. Not everyone has to be your friend.

OP I think the part you are missing is if it is that obvious then everyone else would see it too. So either you are being paranoid, they see it and don’t think it’s a big deal or they don’t see it. If they see it and it hasn’t stopped then they either don’t care or they have said something and it hasn’t changed. Given that it’s been going on for a while and it hasn’t changed, then I would suggest it seems a lot worse to you then how everyone else sees it.

Excellent! You called her out the same way she mocks you, publicly. No private conversations with the weird rat. To be honest, I'd be surprised if she bothers you any more. As they say, the flip side of a bully is a coward.

Also, now those who either didn't notice, didn't want to be involved or have also been targeted by her have been shown what she does and that nobody needs to put up with it. Well done! :)

Ignore her. If she corners you, say ‘I’m perfectly fine. I wish to keep things professional. You might want to consider how you come across.’

Well done! Inspirational even. I am dealing with a Sophie at my workplace too. It’s exhausting.

You handled her perfectly.
Don't reply.
The next time she does it, repeat exactly what you said.
The men around you are obviously oblivious but if you keep repeating the same thing it may land.

If she tries to draw you out, just refuse to be drawn out.

She is a bully, keep careful notes.

When my friends sister was being bullied by two older colleagues she went to HR when they were overheard making a nasty personal remark about her. She requested the grievance process be started and also a SAR.

Two weeks later both colleagues were being reassigned to another plant 1 hour away and certainly not convenient to them.

There was also an email circulated reminding all staff of the strict guidelines regarding anything non work related on the computer network and their dignity at work policy.

I suggest you have a look at your work policies on bullying and dignity at work.
It is always good to be familiar with the language buzzwords and how they might apply to you.

Its likely a SAR request would produce what they are typing about you.
It would definitely wipe that snigger off her face.

This is a good idea.

"You are very articulate"?

I wonder if she's being snide and this is her way of saying you talk too much? Which is presumably what the big joke is between her and her friend, every time you present.

Or you use big words that make her feel insecure, and she makes fun of you with her to make herself feel better.

She sounds like a twat, but I wouldn't give it oxygen. Calmly point it out every time she pulls this - "Sorry, I can see Sophie laughing again" or "Sophie? Was there something you wanted to say?" - and let her burn up in the silence. Don't bite if she tries to pull you into drama. Just be very boring and mildly irked that she's not showing you professional courtesy. Leave all the bullying stuff out of it. She's a snake, clearly, but if she's got higher ups on her side it just won't ever go well for you. Especially not if they can pen you in as over emotional.

High road, emotionless, confused at her lack of professionalism. Good luck 🌺

Yeah, that's not really 'calling out' your colleague.
So, for a little perspective, this is the situation you've put together:
Worked together for 5 years but only come together in team meetings
Colleague is well liked, everyone thinks highly of her
She was pulling weird faces in your most recent meeting as if she 'violently' wanted to laugh
You KNOW that she is typing 'to her friend' and that whatever she is typing 'to her friend' is about you
She once did a 'bullying' 'look' when a nice colleague started speaking to some one else. You managed to successfully interpret this 'look' so you could make your unaware colleague aware. And HOW DARE SHE PICK ON SOMEONE with the look only you saw
No one else in 5 years has noticed any of this

I'm wondering why you seem to be obsessively watching her in meetings. That is weird in itself
The 'mob' mentality here is crazy. She's a bully, a bitch, catty, spiteful, a 'school bully' etc etc.
Talking about accessing her messages because the OP is sure it's all about her. Fucking nuts. Sure, go on a fishing expedition. "I think Sophie was messaging her friend about me" I need to see them.

Do people really carry on like this in the workplace. Where every 'look' is nasty bullying. It puts a whole new spin on all those posts of women who are 'too stressed' to go to work 🙄

If I was in your situation I would of said in the meeting "I'm just going to pause for a second so Sophie can explain why she's sniggering whilst I'm speaking".

I think that was perfect, and some good suggestions for other things to say. Ignoring her message is fine, carry on ignoring. If she asks why you call her out in teams meetings and then ignore her messages say ‘I call you out because you are sitting there snickering at me and have been regularly for quite some time now. Why would that behaviour make me want to have private messages with you?’

if it came to a grievance investigation theyd check her messages so log the meeting times!

Dear gawd can't you just ignore her

Dear gawd can't you just ignore her
I burst out laughing on a zoom meeting once. I turned off the video but not the microphone. Someone said something so absurd. They left the meeting when they heard me laughing 😃 😀as they saw a blank
screen with lots of laughing.i was embarrassed but not for long 😅

I think you should talk to your HR area about the situation. This sounds like a person who is a bully. As you’ve said she also manages upwards. You may find that she is not as well liked as you think. People can slide in behind an unpleasant person to reduce the chance of them being targeted.

If you don’t reply to the message, you may find that she takes an approach something like ‘OP was quite emotional. I reached out but she didn’t reply. Do you think she’s ok?’

I would respond. Words to the effect ‘I have noticed that you continually laugh/snigger whilst I’m speaking in team meetings. I find this to be demonstrating a lack of professional respect, and I have to assume that the laughing is aimed at me. I ask that this is not repeated in the future.’

HR will give you advice on the actions that can be taken.

Eugh I hate having one of these in the team. She is giving you a compliment so if you replied in a frustrated way she looks innocent on paper.

There isn't much you can do, other than just carry on. You can't change her behaviour only your feelings about it.

I find having some time blocked out in the diary after these meetings so you can wind down, and then at some point the feeling will just go away and you can focus on your job.

I agree with CJsGoldfish. From the first post I thought, ok, Sophie doesn't sound very nice but not sure how OP knows Sophie was messaging/ texting her friend. Also it's a bit of a risky strategy to take on the assumption that no one else would notice. Don't really buy the "they're mostly men so wouldn't notice" line.

The Christmas party "incident" sounds like pure projection by OP.

Oh OP well done for calling her out, she's made to look stupid and doesn't like it. You've dropped the bomb and run. She'll be shitting it now wondering what's next. People like her rely on control, she lost her control of you. I love this for you.!

Her user name is appropriate.

She’ll be trying to control the narrative by going to management before you do!

How on earth do you know or think you know she is messaging her friend?

Well done on taking your power back.
I’d be tempted to write her a super brief email asking to spk to her about her behaviour in the last meeting. It’ll give her school teacher writing ‘see me’ in red ink in your homework vibes!

Good for you looking out for yourself. You’ll have got more respect for doing that. She sounds insecure.

Wrong post.

Yay OP

You're not nice.