Called out colleague in team meeting

[Vergus]

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

Do you have any friends within the group that you could confide in?

For future calls with her I suggest you say:

'I'm just going to start recording this call now, assume no-one minds, it's so I can refer back'

This is inspirational. Great going, will channel you in similar situations

Don't reply to the message

next time she pulls faces in a meeting, I'd pause and say "do share the joke"
and smile sweetly

is her line manager ever in these meetings?

Oh my gosh!!! Well done you in standing up for yourself!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Don't respond to her message, like ppl suggest any future meetings are recorded visually and audio. Speak to your manager.

Don't, your silence will speak volumes.

Can you put a marker with your manager? Be factual. Explain Sophie's undermining behaviour to you in the past and why you had to do what you did. Your manager does not have to do anything, but you should get to him/her before Sophie does directly or indirectly through her manager or the grapevine. Just say you will keep your manager updated if this escalates.

I don't want Sophie to paint you as emotional and oversensitive with management. Now that she knows you called her out, she might start to pre-emptively defend herself.

Sorry you have to deal with such a spiteful person.

Don't reply. The next time she does that, pause and say, "oh gosh, sorry Sophie, did you want to clarify something- I wasn't sure why you were laughing- please do let me know if you're having any trouble following what I was discussing about XYZ and I'll be happy to go over it with you."
This makes it clear that you are giving her an out (she was laughing out of embarrassment), makes it clear you have clocked the laughing, and then you have attributed it to a motive that makes her look bad, aka she's too incompetent to follow what you were saying.

I agree with some others, film the meeting next time. Otherwise you do risk sounding a bit neurotic

I worked with somebody like this once who had a bit of a reputation for being a 'smiling assassin'.

She tried it on me, but unfortunately I am quite combative and quite happy to allow others to fuck about and find out.

As I was presenting, she was clearly sniggering and typing away, so I stopped what I was doing and essentially very politely asked her to share the joke with the class (thanks to my teacher aunt for that tactic).

Of course, she couldn't and ended up spluttering and red-faced.

Now, this isn't quite the same situation, as I was senior and was then able to have a fairly full and frank conversation with her and her manager about expected levels of professionalism, but I do agree that twats like that need to be dealt with, because it's bullying, no matter how 'low level'.

OP, don't respond to the message, but do have a word with your manager or a sympathetic senior: I guarantee that you're not the only one unhappy with this behaviour.

Good for you. I wouldn’t reply. Next call if she starts again I’d say same again. Keep a note for your own records if it escalates further.

Stupid little girl, good for you for marking her card. Bet she doesn't do it again! @

Well done on calling her out. I'd not say anything to her, don't reply to her message. Just see how she is next time you speak - you may have "fixed" her attitude, so I'd give her a change to change her ways before I did anything else. If it hasn't changed I would quietly mention it to my line manager and ask them to observe at the next team meeting.

Of course if she's typing then that's probably on teams which is covered by work communications. You could put in a freedom of information request and include references to you on her computer. You could put in a grievance and state your case. They could then pull her conversation listing at the time of the call. Would be interesting.
I hate this shit so if you would rather not work with her then it's worth a shot. Worse case you find another job but bullies always come undone.
Just a note tho... if you haven't replied to her beware she will be drumming up support behind the scenes and likely spreading negativity to strengthen herself.

Oh well done you - well played.

And don't respond to her message.

I'd raise it with whoever is appropriate...

Either she is actively laughing/bitching about you etc, or she is just pissing about... but either way she is not paying attention to what you're saying in the meeting and she should be (or else why is she there).

Draw someone elses attention to it, perhaps those messages to friend/another colleague will be reviewed and she will land herself right in the shit.

She sounds like a nasty bully. Well done for calling her out. It might stop now.

I had a very similar experience with a colleague called Sophie! She was also a bully, some younger colleagues were taken in by her but older members of the team had the measure of her... Good for you for sticking up for yourself.

Huge well done to you!

Like others have said, absolutely don't reply to her message.

Next time she does it... "Anything you wanted to add Sophie"?!

I wouldn't reply, leave her too stew.
I'd speak with a manager to clear it up once and for all

Are there any rules against recording these online meetings? If not, could you collect “footage” of her behaviour when you are speaking, to show to your manager?

@Vergus Really well done on calling her out OP and also for resisting the temptation to reply - keep resisting that temptation. As others have said, your silence will be spooking her - she may even worry that you're considering raising a grievance. The great thing is that, having put up with her childish, unprofessional behaviour for so long, finally calling her out must have given you a confidence boost, so doing so again in the future if necessary will be easier - although I have a feeling she won't get up to this nonsense again now she knows you're no pushover. 😉

She's been banking on you not calling her out and now she's shitting herself in the most textbook and obvious way when insidious bullies get noticed. She's trying to close it down, trying to do it behind closed doors so it isn't noticed and stop you taking it further or continuing your no nonsense stance (well done op!)

I'd wait before replying, see if she messages again. Or if you feel very strongly you should speak to your manager to explain the situation and that you're fine but just reached the end of your patience but wish to remain professional. I wouldn't reply at all actually as that closes the door on her chances to back track or try to control the narrative.

Are these meetings recorded?