Called out colleague in team meeting

[Vergus]

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

Someone left the meeting because you laughed at something they said? Whether it was absurd or not, sounds like you were the only person laughing so much it caused them embarrassment enough to leave the meeting. Another nasty piece of work.

Well done for calling her out!

how do you get on with your boss? Could you mention it to him and just ask her to keep an eye on the next call, to see if she notices?

we have a weekly teams meeting online and my boss will publically call people out who are talking via messenger and laughing during the call.

I'm with this poster. I'm constantly typing during Teams meetings and so do many of my colleagues, because they are so boring and not all parts of the meeting are relevant to everyone. Sometimes this typing is doing some work, sometimes it's chit chat, sometimes it's funny and we have a laugh but it's never aimed at a particular person.

Maybe this is what your colleague is doing and because you don't like her, you're seeing things that aren't there...she's not actually done anything wrong, no-one else has noticed, she's well respected and good at her job...could you be seeing things that aren't there?

Maybe she emailed you afterwards because she's concerned about you?

You are very articulate

Such a weird thing to say. Who said you’re not? And so patronising.

I’ve put up with this shit for years

What exactly are you putting up with? If it was a one-off, then the best reply would be something like: “Hi, sorry for the slow reply. I’ve been really busy. Yes, I’m fine, thanks. How are you? I noticed you laughing in the meeting when I was speaking, which was a little distracting. What were you laughing at?”.

However, if she’s been laughing in meetings every time you speak, then you may want to add: “I notice you regularly do it”.

The key is to state facts (she laughed in the meeting when you spoke) and the effect on you (distracting). Don’t accuse her of things she may not have done (typing messages to her friend about you - she could have been taking notes, replying to an email or messaging a friend about something else).

Also, ask direct questions, such as “What were you laughing at?”. That way, if there’s a more innocent explanation than you’ve imagined, you don’t look foolish or show her behaviour is making you feel undermined. But it still holds her to account.

Be aware any messages you send could end up being used as evidence by her or you (in a bullying complaint). So keep them polite, succinct and highly professional to show you in a good light. You’re older than her and much more professional. Don’t entertain her behaviour or stoop to her level.

If it happens in a meeting again, call it out every time: “I’m going to pause there, as I can see Sophie’s laughing”.

Keep a record of every incident. If you don’t get a satisfactory response, flag with your line manager at your next 121. Say you find it unprofessional and distracting.

Three work rules: Assume the best. Deal with the worst if it happens. Not everyone has to be your friend.

Yes, obviously. A fourth might be ‘don’t be a dick when other people are talking’ 😊

I have to say though, I wouldn’t make a SAR request, that’s the nuclear option when she’s likely just bit of a dick.

I would continue to calmly call her out. Next time I’d pause when she’s messaging and say, sorry I lost my train if thought, Sophie is clearly taking notes - please can you read them back as a summary. Keep calmly (and public ally) calling her out. Or Ali g the lines of Sophie had something to say, did you put you hand up? (Assuming it’s a hand up online thing). Dont bite to her messages etc. her comment about you being so articulate is very manipulative, she obviously is laughing at the way you express things (don’t feel paranoid about this bullies pick up in anything, it doesn't actually have to be odd).

I think you are brilliant by the way!

Agree 100%. This is not about you op, this is how she gets her energy and validation so not feeding it is crucial I think. Indifference is the way, she can’t make you feel anything (although I totally get how undermining it is as it preys on your insecurities).

I hate subtle bullies.....the worst kind.

“I’m so glad that what I’m saying has entertained Sophie to the point that she laughed, made faces and texted her friend the entire time I was speaking. Somebody left her manners at home again.”

Ask for a Subject Access Request

I was wondering this too. Are you sure she’s not just smiling at something else?

Don’t do a SAR. That’s a dick move. You’ve called her out so be watchful now. She might move on to another target or she might keep going.

Good for you. I had a Manager bad mouth me in an online meeting once. It was awful, one colleague laughed, a slow sarcastic laugh and someone I thought was a ‘colleague’ and ‘friend’. The others said nothing and I just didn’t know how to reply. You dealt with it well. Do let us know if she follows it up?

I see the mean girl apologists are out in force. OP knows this person, she’s worked with her for five years and there has been a clear and consistent pattern of behaviour by this person in these meetings of sniggering only when it’s OP’s turn to talk. But yeah, you’re all right - she clearly must be laughing at something else every single time. 🙄

I'm very impressed by the OP who sounds very together

Could not agree more. Anyone ever thought that maybe Sophie and her friend just weren’t listening in the meeting and messaging between themselves something they found funny.

OP you have really made a mountain out of a mole hill and no this isn’t in any way calling someone out. In fact you have just played into it and said you are done.

I'm with this poster. I'm constantly typing during Teams meetings and so do many of my colleagues, because they are so boring and not all parts of the meeting are relevant to everyone. Sometimes this typing is doing some work, sometimes it's chit chat, sometimes it's funny and we have a laugh but it's never aimed at a particular person.

If you were in a face to face meeting at the office, none of this would be acceptable behaviour, so why is it acceptable in Teams? I’m beginning to think that wfh all the time just makes people more unprofessional.

Shes trying to gaslight you into thinking you are irrational. You should reply. And call out in writing, calling out her behaviours objectively. Use examples and stay calm. Then ask how she plans to address this?

Then watch her squirm.

I think she messaged you to gauge your response. She’s panicking that you’ve clocked her and wants to smooth things over hence the sickly compliment. Your silence will worry her more, she knows you’re pissed off but she doesn’t know what you’ll do next.

Well done for standing up to her. I feel like saying ‘what’s so funny Sophie?’ would have been more assertive than conceding you’ll shut up because of her behaviour, but either way you’ve let her know that her bitchiness hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Yeah but she's acting inappropriately. She wouldn't behave like this in a physical meeting so she shouldn't on a Teams call either. It's very rude and extremely unprofessional.

💯 agree.

This. You should really have been doing this from the first time she tried it on.

This colleague is clearly bullying you OP and IMO I think you should report this to your line manager and take the matter up with HR. Her behaviour is immature, unprofessional and unacceptable plus it could potential damage the company if things escalate.
You did the right thing in calling her out and clearly you have reached the end of your tether with her vile attitude towards you.
Hope you’re ok today.