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Original poster

Called out colleague in team meeting

214 replies

Vergus · 23/04/2025 19:38

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 23/04/2025 21:10

Vergus · 23/04/2025 19:38

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

Well done for calling her out but I would have kept talking and making my point despite her sniggering, her sniggering is designed to make you feel self conscious and shut your mouth

With people like that in online meetings, I sometimes put a post it note over their faces on the screen so I cannot see their expressions and I’m not distracted, then you won’t be put off speaking

Don’t reply to her
Once you stand up to someone once it’s much easier to stand up to them the next time, keep calling her out but keep it professional

Brefugee · 23/04/2025 21:11

Itisjustmyopinion · 23/04/2025 20:54

Well in any team I have been in it’s deemed very unprofessional to be having your own thing going on while someone else is presenting

Nothing to do with sense of humour and everything to do with being polite

I am surprised OP’s team manager hasn’t said anything as I wouldn’t stand for any of my team (all pretty senior people themselves) having a laugh and joke when someone else was speaking

Show quote history

Yes, i have stopped meetings before when it is clear half the room are answering emails and others are having private chats.

Deffo agree with pp not to answer. Leave her to stew. She knows what she's done.

Hastentoadd · 23/04/2025 21:12

ImNotWhoYouThink · 23/04/2025 21:10

Firstly good for you for standing up to a bully and make no mistake behaviour like this is bullying in the workplace. These kind of people unfortunately have issues but it’s very difficult to feel sorry for them. I too used to work with a female bully. 10 great people left the company because of her behaviour which did not go unnoticed but any improvement she was told to make to get on with her colleagues better, was always short lived. Ultimately she came across as confident and experienced but she had massive self esteem issues, was dismissive of colleague’s ideas or success and was full of envy as outside of work she had no friends other than her DH.
I wouldn’t respond to the messages… no response is a response …and I would suggest you keep any contact with her to a minimum but remain 100% professional at all times. Report to HR if you feel you should. Back to work tomorrow with your head held high.

Agree, say it to HR so there is a record of it if it continues

KilkennyCats · 23/04/2025 21:12

DaftOldBiddy · 23/04/2025 20:41

This is hilarious. So you are the colleague who has no sense of humour and is entirely self focused.

The person you think is laughing at you mught just be happy! Or having a laugh about anything else. Major jumping to conclusions. Lighten up.

You chose your username well.

SqueakyDoor · 23/04/2025 21:12

Screen shot the message and any further ones from her as, depending on your company's retention, they may disappear after 30/60/90 days

I predict victim status incoming from Sophie

Tbrh · 23/04/2025 21:14

I'd ignore her. If it happens again, then confront her in person and ask if there's an issue (I'd also give you manager a heads up). She'll probably pull her head in now

BCBird · 23/04/2025 21:14

Silence is a wonderful weapon OP. One of my friends and I hit 50.and decided to call out this type of nonsense. Well done. U started a bit earlier than us. Are these meetings recorded?

Itsoneofthose · 23/04/2025 21:14

Well done for calling her out. I know tiktok sounds like a stupid platform but there’s loads on there about calling out bullying, assertiveness etc. Could you think of a few one liners to have up your sleeve. A lot like you did today (well done btw). Something like highlighting to the room what she’s doing ‘are you ok Sophie? What’s tickled you l? Share the joke’ with a big smile on your face as you say it.. If face to face with her asking her inquisitively ‘is everything ok Sophie?’ And maybe one day when you’re alone to her smile and tell her that what she does isn’t subtle. Failing that speak to supervisor and HR. She’s being passive aggressive and basically being a little shit and it needs to stop. Draw someone else’s attention to it so they notice without her knowing they’re noticing then take it to HR.

Fioratourer · 23/04/2025 21:19

You did the right thing op. I would speak to a manager and raise the laughing and messaging while she is supposed to be working. Your right you are to
old for that shit (similar age here). She was probably a school bully who forgot to grow up. I wouldn’t reply to her either.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 23/04/2025 21:25

In future OP if she starts that again I would say very kindly but firmly "Sophie? You're on mute"
Then wait for her to unmute or type in chat that no, she wasn't trying to talk.
"Oh. I thought from your expression you were wanting to come in there." Pause. Continue what you were saying.

It keeps you in control and makes her look like slightly incompetent. Plus folk will be looking at her after that and if she is giggling, others will notice too.

shuggles · 23/04/2025 21:37

@Butterflyfern I doubt this is true tbh. If the men are really that oblivious to have not noticed the sniggering then they'll probably have already forgotten your comment tbh.

Incredible. The OP is a woman, and she wrote a post about a female colleague. Nothing was mentioned about men, and there was no indication that any men were involved.

... And yet, somehow, someone still managed to find a way to complain about men.

Shadow321 · 23/04/2025 21:46

Your IT team should be able to review their messages if this was on Teams.

JLou08 · 23/04/2025 21:47

Is she actually called Sophie? I had a manger called Sophie around the same age who was very much like this! Had climbed the ladder very quickly and seemed well liked but was a mean girl. Some people would say behind her back that she was horrible but then act very pally with her, so I wonder just how well liked she was, maybe people were fearful to be on the wrong side of her.

RedToothBrush · 23/04/2025 21:49

ilovesooty · 23/04/2025 19:57

Don't reply to her. I'd put this in writing to your manager so that there's a record.

This.

She's messaged you to try and appease you because she's worried that you've finally decided not to take that shit.

If you don't, it may embolden her, and you won't be able to use this incident to show its part of a pattern. Cover your arse.

I would say to your manager that you don't necessarily want action at this point, you just want to see how things go and hope that it resolves the situation. But equally if it happens again in future, you have this to fall back on as evidence.

GarageBlues · 23/04/2025 21:50

I think you did the right thing.

I had a horrific Rachel in my office, after maternity leave I opted for vouluntary redundancy.
Huge mistake career wise, but it was the only option.
Weirdly, one of my fellow mums at school pickup also called Rachel, also took an immediate dislike to me.
Some people do like me though, so it’s not everyone 😀

I wonder how these people live with themselves.

EarthSight · 23/04/2025 21:51

Don't respond. She has no respect for you so let her stew.

GCAcademic · 23/04/2025 21:52

Hastentoadd · 23/04/2025 21:10

Well done for calling her out but I would have kept talking and making my point despite her sniggering, her sniggering is designed to make you feel self conscious and shut your mouth

With people like that in online meetings, I sometimes put a post it note over their faces on the screen so I cannot see their expressions and I’m not distracted, then you won’t be put off speaking

Don’t reply to her
Once you stand up to someone once it’s much easier to stand up to them the next time, keep calling her out but keep it professional

Show quote history

I love the post-it note idea! Can they see you putting it on the screen? So passive aggressive, brilliant!

Judellie · 23/04/2025 21:54

Read the OP again @shuggles men ARE mentioned at the bottom of it!

grumpygrape · 23/04/2025 21:56

Don’t respond to the message but if she’s acting up in a meeting again you could try.

'Are you OK with that Sophie or do I need to explain it to you again ? No need to ask Fenella to explain it.'

pumpkinpip007 · 23/04/2025 21:58

I think you did exactly the right thing. You were calm and called her out. I also like that you ignored her message. This is one of the first work posts I have seen in a while on here, where I am 100% in agreement.

I had the same thing happen to me. My boss pulled them up on it. I didn’t notice because I tend to cover the screen (faces) sometimes with whatever window I minimise and just drag it over. I keep an eye on staff I know are rational/professional. The rest -cover!

Strangeworldtoday · 23/04/2025 22:00

Ive definitely called out colleagues in meetings. I have done it in a more obvious way and actually put them in their box. I've managed to climb to senior leadership and I don't and have never angaged in office politics and childish behaviour and when I have seen it or been subject to it I have called it out, there and then.
Well done you for taking the first step to owning the situation.
Don't engage with her via teams. Carry on as you were and if she does this stupid shit again then use passive aggressive assertiveness or just ignore.

blubberyboo · 23/04/2025 22:03

Vergus · 23/04/2025 20:55

@Itisjustmyopinion

She has deliberately messaged you privately to get a response from you that she can use against you.

Knowing her as I do I unfortunately think this as well. Which is what stopped me from replying. I don’t trust her an inch - whatever I write or type in reply will be used against me somehow. I have the feeling she wants me to “bite” because that would play into her hands. So I won’t. I hate this, it’s so ridiculous but these are the games she plays. I wish she’d just fucking go away

Yes don't reply as it will give her ammunition that you are somehow "combative"

Ignoring it will also allow her to stew for a while

Get your concerns in writing to HR

RosaCollins · 23/04/2025 22:05

I know the type. She is worried now because you said that, and then didn't reply to her. Oh dear, her perfect image shattered or at least cracked a bit. The comment - you're very articulate - sounds like a dig.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. I'd be wary of calling her out every time, if it happens in future because before you know it, she will have turned it around as you picking on her. I'd probably pause and let silence fall, if she does it again.

Keep your head high, and well done.

LBFseBrom · 23/04/2025 22:07

Butterflyfern · 23/04/2025 19:48

I doubt this is true tbh. If the men are really that oblivious to have not noticed the sniggering then they'll probably have already forgotten your comment tbh.

Good on you!! And don't reply, I wouldn't

Show quote history

I agree.

SuperTrooper14 · 23/04/2025 22:08

I've worked with women exactly like her. Spiteful, catty and bitchy. She's messaged because she knows she's been caught out. Definitely ignore and if she does it again in the next meeting, call her out again. But also bring it up with your manager so there's a record of what's been going on.