Called out colleague in team meeting

[Vergus]

I have a colleague, let’s call her Sophie. I’ve worked with her for 5 years, albeit not in the same workstream. We only come together for an all-teams meeting, which usually takes place online. For some reason she dislikes me. Whenever I speak up in the team meeting I can see her sniggering and laughing and typing to her friend. It only happens to me. Today was so obvious. She was pulling weird gurney faces (when you try not to laugh and are violently suppressing it.)

She has no reason to be threatened by me - I am below her on the professional rung, I am 10 yrs older than her, I have never done anything that might offend or provoke her. The team manager and other colleagues think highly of her. She is very driven, and has excellent relationships with others. And yet she has clearly decided to target me.

I’ve put up with this shit for years and today I had enough. I could see her laughing away in the screen - I’d only been speaking 2 mins. I said - “anyway, I can see Sophie laughing so I’m going to shut up now.” She then blustered on with something like - “no, I didn’t know what we were discussing - the data or the finance aspect.” I explained what I’d done again very briefly and then said “but that’s me done, I’m done,” and then my agenda item was over. By this point I could see the messaging was still going on between her and her mate but no more laughing.

I turned off my camera and within seconds a message popped up from her. “Are you ok Vegas? You’ve disappeared! You are very articulate.”

I haven’t replied. I am not sure I should. I am fed up with her making me feel bad, and then not having the fucking courage to own it but texting me separately to smooth things over and get me on side. I believe she wants me to say “yes, I’m fine!” but fuck it, I’m not, because I’m not done, and I’m actually quite upset. I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she’s being picked on in the school playground. I can see her visibly sniggering at me - it’s gone on for years. And no one else notices (mostly men who don’t notice tbh) but today I just had enough. I want her to leave me alone

Have you posted about this before OP?

Well done for calling her out. She sounds very unprofessional. How do you know she is messaging her friend though? I would report it to HR.

If you are careful, no they can’t seer it, you need to lift your hand up very close to the screen when you are doing it ….out of view of the camera

You can also turn the camera off for a couple of seconds while you are doing it, then turn it back on

You did entirely the right thing. I am proud to post that in an old job, a colleague and I had worked really hard on a presentation for a team of Execs. For some (apparently unrelated issue) you could see the Exec typing, laughing and replying. Zero concentration or focus. We both called it out and ended the meeting early. Turns out one of them was embarrassed enough to call the rest of them out and we both got a massive apology.
Standards need to apply online as well as in person- you did the right thing OP.

I would bet some money your manager will be asking if ‘you’re ok?’ sometime soon. I bet ‘I was a bit worried about Vergus as she’s seemed stressed recently,’ is in her undermining playbook. She’ll be implying concerns about your hormonal status…

You have rattled her cage, how satisfying! How dare she remark that you are articulate, of course you are, you are an experienced professional. She is one of those irritating little bitches who are unsure of themselves and like to make themselves look bit by putting other people down. Smile and call her out again if there’s any more of it. Somehow I doubt there will be.

Well done @Vergus bullies hate being called out. I wouldn't reply to her message, however, I would talk to your manager about it.

I had a fucking awful manager who kept undermining me in internal and external meetings. Making me look ridiculous and powerless. One day, I had had enough. In a 121 meeting with her I verbally told her that I found her behaviour unsupportive and if she continued, I would just walk out of the meeting explaining why to everyone in the meeting and go to HR.

Funnily enough she stopped.

I like @Mumtobabyhavoc ’s response. She needs to be told.

I would also leave her on read!

Oh right. My mistake.

It's possible though that it's noticed, but just never mentioned. I was bullied by a thug, and I thought that no one else noticed... but after 2 years, other people told me directly that they had noticed. So it was just that they chose not to say anything at the time.

Useful tips, thank you! Though I can see that there might be occasions that would call for a dramatic florishing of the post-it pad and exaggerated, careful placement of a note on the screen. Followed by a satisfied nod.

Call her out again if she does it next time. Bullies don’t like it.

Are your meetings recorded? If so I would consider re watching it and trying to catch her sniggering etc to use as evidence to take further.

OP, document everything.

Take screenshots if you can and keep in a password protected file with times, dates and details. That way, if you end up raising a grievance the IT department will be able to check her messages at exactly those times and will have evidence. Also consider a subject access request if it gets that far.

I managed to get a bullying manager seriously disciplined by doing this (and it wasn’t even me he was bullying). He didn’t have a leg to stand on
and resigned a couple of weeks later.

Could you be imagining this behaviour? I think you could be?

And a, There! 🤣

@PersonalBest For years?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Yes I’m fine just emailing HR about your obvious behaviour.
that’s what my reply would be

Well done! Calling out is hard but well done and do it again if she dares to do it any other time.

Good for you OP. Don’t reply and just make note of anything she does to cause friction. She’s embarrassed herself here not you.

@Hastentoadd I’ve been in meetings on Teams (I think?) where someone had to turn their camera on and off a few times but when they turned it on again all the placement of people in the meeting changed randomly. I’m not sure if that always happens, but it did for me.

But seconding to keep your hand close to the screen and make sure you know exactly where the camera is to avoid sweeping your arm over it.

Well done you,I experienced this form previously.its disgusting.i remember mentioning it to our Manager and he said " X is a Bitch but she is a Bitch to everyone" employing that's it's okay.Management are aware of toxic traits in people but I think accept it if job is done.you were right to call it out as you did,don't reply.remain professional and don't engage with her if no one else present.

Well done. Don’t reply to her.
if she asks in person call her out to her face.

Well done, you sound amazing. I know how much it hurts as I’ve been going through it myself but not laughing but cold shoulder and looking away every time I speak. Three of them until
one left. I have had a bit of a breakdown over this and other work issues and I’m currently off sick. The worst one has tried to make me look a twat too in front of others but I did t bite a d then had messages ‘was I ok’ and ‘happy bday’ which I completely ignored. I then went to hr and had an informal chat. She called it bullying, logged it and there it sits until I might need it. Something tells me that things might be a little more professional when I go back. But if it continues I willl take it further. Best of luck to you x

1950s? What on earth are you on about. Never mind it is completely unprofessional and rude.

I went to a meeting once and observed similar behaviour. As soon as one lady started talking, three others would be doing the mean girl act - smirking, typing etc When the meeting finished I discretely asked the lady if she was ok. She asked me to clarify and I said what I'd observed. She told me she had raised this issue with her manager previously (also in the meeting) and had been told she was imagining it. She wasn't. It was blatant.

In your position I'd have a word with your manager. Say you've noted a repeated pattern of behaviour that this person is pulling faces and laughing when you speak. She doesn't do it when anyone else is speaking, so you can only assume that she is laughing at you and trying to make you uncomfortable. Note that's why you said something this time as it's gone on long enough. If your manager hasn't noticed they'll now pay attention to see if they can see what you're seeing.