To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

I've said this several time in conversation, when I was a kid (mid thirties now) only children were felt sorry for almost, but often, only one parent worked. Most families had 3 plus children

Now both parents work, usually full time and i know one family with more than two children.

Things are just harder, childcare costs, cost of living etc and I think its much more normal now for people to have one child.

I think 2 children are still normal, more than that gets unusual. Thanks, housing crisis 👌

I have 4 kids and , while Iove them to bits , it's hard work.
Dd2 has several friends who are only children and they dynamic is completely different. The parents are very proactive , organising lots of playdates and days out.
I think it depends on what sort of family you want. My kids have each other which is both a blessing and a curse. 🤣🤣🤣. But we also have less money and they get less of me than if I only had one. Also my life revolves around them whereas with one I would guess they slot in to your life more. ( I had twins first so never had just one ).
So my advice would be if you and your husband want another child have one. If the only reason you would have one if for your daughter don't - there's no guarantee they'd get on or have similar interests of anything anyway.

Good luck with your decision

I wonder about this myself @ThePinkPonyClub. My DD is 2, goes to nursery and has 4 cousins she sees regularly who are close enough in age. No PND, actually DD was a dream baby. I find the toddler stage hard, and honestly worry about how myself and DH would cope. I'm happy with being a family of 3. My only niggle is that I would like a sibling for DD. I think more children now are only children (I only remember 1 only child in my class in primary school) so I don't think it's the same when I was growing up as families have gotten smaller. I don't think she'll be the odd one out being an only child (hopefully).

We have an only child. He’s 18 now and isn’t lonely or has ever hinted that he’d love a sibling. He’s got lots of friends and a girlfriend.

We’ve been able to afford so much more than if we’d had another child. We’ve paid for driving lessons for him, a car once he passed his test, insurance, etc.

It’s not been without guilt, I had DS when I was 36 and also struggled with PND and DS wasn’t an easy baby/toddler. By the time things became easier I felt I was too old to have any more and I didn’t want to go through those awful early years again. There is also no guarantee that siblings will get on, DH doesn’t talk to his DB, there’s so much history between them. I do get on with my siblings but only really see them a handful of times a year (if that).

There is less of a stigma regarding only children than when I was a child. Bigger families were the norm, as pp mentioned, it was usual for the DM to stay at home, school’s were within walking distance, in my case anyway.

The main thing is, don’t have another DC because you feel guilty.

It’s absolutely no different to when I grew up to when dd grew up. We are both only children.

Smaller families are more common nowadays a lot of people don't have children till they're in their late thirties than stop at one. I had my first at 16 ten years ago and was basically a social pariah at all the toddler groups. Even though that was a normal age for our grandmother's to have their first child. Times have definitely changed

I think life is different for only children in some respects - not better, not worse, just different. It will suit some children more than others but it's difficult to work out whether your child will be one, and even so that can very rarely be the overriding consideration.

You're stuck with family to some degree, whereas friends make a conscious choice to choose each other. That has benefits and issues.

I saw three brothers, all close in age, knocking seven bells out of each other in soft play a few weeks ago. Jumping on each other, pushing each other, walloping each other. And they seemed to be enjoying it and their parent was doing very little to stop it, only intervening at the more egregious incidents. That kind of child-on-child violence is only really "allowed" between siblings nowadays (and maybe cousins). If a child so much as pushes another child nowadays, let alone any wrestling, most responsible parents are mortified and come down like a tonne of bricks - apologies are offered and parents on guard to ensure it doesn't happen again. If close-in-age siblings are annoying each other, most kids know the most they'll usually face is a shouty "will you stop bickering and leave each other alone!"

So I do think there is a dynamic that many siblings are exposed to that only children don't necessarily experience, but arguably they're lucky to escape it in some cases!

I don’t think having another child to give your existing child a sibling is a valid reason to have a child in my opinion. You said other than that there’s no other reason.

I agree with what others have said, I know plenty of siblings that don’t get along and I know only children who are far from lonely.

Sounds like your mind is made up, focus on giving your daughter the best childhood and enjoy her xx

People do what they want for themselves the majority of time I should think. People often dress it up as being for a particular reason but it’s usually because they want to underneath. I certainly don’t believe the biggest gift a mother can give a child is a sibling!

I don’t think it’s a good idea to put yourself at risk of PND if you don’t actually want another child particularly yourself.

I think you should do what want for you and your other half want to do.

If you only want one child, just stop at one. There’s nothing more to it than that really. Don’t overthink it. You want one, just stick to one

I'm an only child and coincidentally so are three of my friends. None of us minded as young children as we didn't know any better but as we grew we became more aware of our friends having siblings.
As we've grown up and our own parents have ages we are all finding it extremely difficult. It's not for practical reasons but it things like having no one to share memories with or someone who we grew up alongside to have a perspective on something. I realise that not all siblings that get along or have the same upbringing even though they were brought up in the same house but there is still a shared history, memories etc.
No one knows anything about my childhood at home apart from my parents and I.
Being an only child as an adult is extremely lonely.
If you can give your child a sibling, please do if not for now, then for their future.

I'm 46 and an only child. It's fine, it was fine then and its fine now. People will always have opinions about how you plan your family. It's not their business.

My aunt informed me that I was selfish to have an only that only children were socially inadequate and spoiled. Only one of many things I was inadequate at according to her. She was born around 1930 (dead a few years now, RIP).

None of my friends would ever say anything like that to my face. But sometimes, when they forget I'm there or they've had a drink too many, they say gentler versions of the same thing.

Tbh I just know they're jealous of the incredible perfection of ds. So good we stopped at one. Wink

DS is mid twenties and is an only. I don’t think there were that many only children in his class but it never seemed to bother him.

He had a great childhood, we were able to afford to do so much with him in terms of travel and lifestyle and he says he never felt lonely. He is fairly quiet but still has confidence if that makes sense. He was always happy chatting to adults as well as children his own age growing up.

I hated being pregnant so there was no way I would have had another even if DS had been desperate for a sibling.

I have a brother. He's wonderful, great person, good fun. I last saw him 18 months ago because we live far apart and are both busy.

DH has a brother. He's a total cunt. Always has been and always will be.

Were we blessed with siblings and would it have been just fine as only children?

Have DC if you want them but they aren't any kind of gift for existing DC.

I went to Catholic schools in the 80s and most families were bigger, 6-8 children wasn’t that unusual. Only having one or two children was.
I do remember a few only children and would have said then they were ‘spoiled’ and were difficult, there was far fewer activities and play dates so probably didn’t get socialised in a way they would now.
I wouldn’t have a second assuming they will be friends, I know loads of people who dislike their single sibling. No guarantees.

i do only have one, she’s ASD so I don’t know how she would cope with another child about, she likes her alone/quiet time.

I teach. The only child stereotype is alive in most classrooms, (though that does not stop children with siblings being bratty or onlies being delightful.)

I can remember a lot of pressure from parents of only children to do play dates with my tribe. (Three biologically mine and four step-kids.)

I’m also at the stage of life where we are needing to deal with aged parents needing support. My friends who are onlies have a significantly greater burden.

Of course you must do what is right for your family, but there are downsides to most decisions.

There are far more only children now for many reasons. Yes, you can give them more attention, experiences and material things. I am an only, like others it was okay when I was a child as my parents encouraged my friendships. Now I am older I would dearly love a sibling , my DH has several and they get on well and fortunately include me! I had two children and would have liked more.They get on very well and have each other’s back.

Siblings are not always a gift and dysfunctional sibling relationships can be really harmful.

There is no guarantee that a sibling will help caring for elderly parents - as has been shown on many MN threads. It is probably mor important that the only child has a supportive partner. In terms of legal matters for the elderly parents, only children are simpler.

Only children are very common now and it's normal for parents to be very intentional with setting up social opportunities etc.

So basically don't have a second child as a 'gift' to your first.

There seems to avoidance of one of the reasons for only children - end of relationship after the first child

All things being equal I think a sibling is a great addition to a person's life. Less so when they're younger, but as you get older it's really nice to have someone who has shared your history so closely. It's nice to have someone else to lean on when you have to face your parents' ill health and death.

But everything being equal isn't the reality for lots of people. Financial concerns, health concerns, time concerns etc. can all mean that a sibling becomes a negative influence of a child's life.

Whether it's best to be an only or have a sibling is case by case dependent ime.

I agree that smaller families seem to be more popular now - and I think it was far more unusual when I was a child.

I just don’t think people have the time or resources for a big family now - especially if both working full time.

My DH and I are both one of 4 - that feels absolutely insane in today’s climate. I don’t think anyone I know will have 4, I only know one family with 3.

Probably felt easier to have multiple when childcare wasn’t such an issue / having enough bedrooms was easier to achieve.

I'm an only child - now in my 40s and it was certainly very unusual when I was school. But I think I was lonely more because we lived quite remotely, and my parents were very over-protective and didn't give me much of the freedom my friends had as teens. I don't really think a sibling would have changed that. On the other hand, I had a lot of my parents' time and money - I didn't appreciate it at the time of course, but that did give me some big advantages.

I think it's very different for my son who's also a only child (10) now. I guess two kids is still the norm, but plenty of his friends are only children and plenty of our friends only have one child. And we live in a small city, in a safe area where he can begin to have some independence etc too. I look at friends with 2+ kids and two working parents and I honestly don't know how they juggle it all, I'm exhausted enough with one!

Personally, I wouldn't risk your health to have a second child out of an outdated feeling that you ought to. But I do understand how difficult a decision it feels like - sending hugs and good wishes your way.

A child is a human being in its own right. You can't have a child for your DD's companionship, because the children might not get along, or the youngest might have complex needs meaning DD becomes their future carer. Focus on other only child friendships and cousins.