To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

That’s a bit of an overreaction don’t you think ? I don’t mind them approaching but my children are still very young (3 and 2) and want to play together; they have their own games, jokes etc And unfortunately some children can become very pushy and my oldest doesn’t like it when they try to exclude or ignore his younger brother

I still think siblings is the norm, certainly most people I know and in my children’s classes have more than 1.
Personally I’d be lost without my sister- I’m very grateful for that relationship, especially as we were orphaned quite young. I do dislike the dismissal of the sibling relationship, there are mothers and children that despise one another but no one chucks that is someone’s face as a reason not to conceive.

Maybe a bit of an overreaction and fair enough they are still very little, but I think there is a lot of contempt from mums of multiples for families with onlies (whether consciousness or subconscious), and I think that small children pick up on this and absorb the message "these people are different. We must not interact with them". Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you don't look down on mums of only children?
The nail that sticks out will be hammered down or so the saying goes...

My mum died nearly 3 years ago, any parental loss is hard but for me it was compounded by the fact she was my only parent and by the fact I was an only child. The way we chose to live our lives made things easier (inter generational living/ joint family) because my oldest dc will come out with the “ do you remember that time Naani did x”; my whole life I felt I’d have no one reminisce with but I do. Life provides it’s own twists.

Hand on heart, no I don’t. I’m a doctor by profession and I have seen so many horrific cases of child abuse and neglect that I think every family should only have as many children as they can financially and emotionally handle. I’ve always wanted a big family (one of three siblings) because I adore my siblings and had a very idyllic childhood and I’m in a fortunate position where my husband and I make enough money , and have enough support to comfortably provide for a big family. But I understand this is a huge privilege!

I’m not sure multiple children is a signifier of ‘privilege’ at all. If it were, highly accomplished, professional women wouldn’t be having fewer children than less affluent, less educated women. As is the case in the West. I work in Finance for a large institution and not one of the female partners has more than two children, with most having one or none. These are Ivy League educated women earning in the top 0.5% if not the top 0.1%.

I didn't say its a signifier of privilege rather the ability to afford a family as big as you want its a privilege. Furthermore, I appreciate Western culture is different. I'm born and raised in the UK, went to an 'Ivy League equivalent' university but am South Asian by ethnicity which is a culture that does tend to have larger families. Relatively, my goal of having 4 children is significantly smaller than my parents who had 8 siblings and 7 siblings respectively! Again, fortunate enough to earn enough money whilst only working 3 days a week to afford childcare for multiple children, go on holidays, mortgage is paid off, can afford to send each child to private school if needed for secondary, and things like the boiler or car breaking down isn't going to devastate our finances. It's not top 0.5% or 0.1% of earning but I'm more than happy with the balance my life has :)

But no one looks at a family with 4 children and thinks “privilege” - quite the opposite usually! I understand the point you were making though, that you’re grateful to have been able to have the family size you want. That’s a lovely position to be in, of course.

That's a massive generalisation don't you think? I have family members who had years of fertility treatments, multiple miscarriages and still born babies and could only have one child, despite wanting more desperately. For them, multiple children would be a privilege; all depends on what you value I suppose

Culturally, the concept of only children is not the norm for you, as you state. Also your children,
young as they are, throwing themselves into the mix of playing of the diversity that one might find in an average park might not be the norm. Hence they prefer to play together.

As the parent of an only child, when we went to the park, you would always see the children, only children or children with siblings that showed an interest to play with other children and as
parents we sometimes encourage these interactions because we can see that our children might need a little help and encouragement.

A lot depends on context. I feel privileged to have a large family in comfort, ((timing of second marriage meant nobody is sharing rooms, kids doing well academically, have access to hobbies, 1 holiday a year in a static caravan with everyone who still lives at home…)

If we were overcrowded and living on baked beans…and many families are, it would be a very different experience and perhaps not one I’d choose.

Thanks for the very gracious reply @hijabibarbie (probably more gracious than I deserved for my rather snippy comment ❤️)
It must be awful to see children who have been abused and neglected as part of your job.
The reason I only have one child is circumstantial rather than 100% biological and I honestly feel really awful about it. I met my husband quite late and the clock was really ticking if we wanted to have more than one child. DS 1 arrived exactly one year after we married but then we got hit by a deluge of adverse life events and I decided for better or worse it would have been irresponsible to try for a second child because our circumstances at that time. It was pretty heavy stuff and not lifestyle concerns... I probably won't know until 10, 20 years later whether or not I made the correct decision for my family. For now it feels like the right one but who knows.

For what it's worth, I think it has become way too difficult and expensive to raise children in the UK, and honestly when I see mums who are achieving their dream of having a larger family and thriving with it I'm really (genuinely) happy for them. I just feel paranoid they won't want to know me or DS because we are... different.
I already sense that mums of multiple kids don't really want to know us because they are happy in their own self-contained family unit, or because they think we are going to "push" them for a friendship that is going to be too onerous or unwieldy. Like we will ask too much of you, or our misfortunes and strangeness will rub off on you.... Honestly we are balanced people who practice appropriate social boundaries and we don't want to glom onto your family unit...but I feel like people don't always give us the benefit of the doubt

The majority of UK families have 1dc, it's not unusual these days as people are poorer.

I loved my siblings as a dc & now our parents are older we are leaning on each other & sharing precious memories. I would have liked more dc tbh.

I have two brothers who don’t speak. Tbh I wish I was an only!!! DH has two step brothers’ who don’t speak. My mum is forever trying to talk more to her brother who doesn’t respond. You might have another child but they still might not speak to each other! It’s one of the reasons I think I’ll stop at 1 but I do have the same concerns as you op. But I might do it all again for no ‘sibling benefit’ and that will really really piss me off as I go to my grave to be honest!!! I would be furious…so maybe sticking with one is best 😂

I totally understand! When you are in the park with all these happy siblings playing together and you can see that your only child wants to play but the siblings only want to play together.

I, not being a pushy parent at all, would gently encourage my DD to go and interact, which gave her confidence. Children just want to play and yes I do understand that children are
protective of siblings but we should encourage our children to always be inclusive.

This threads a bit of an eye opener to me reading some of the posts - I’ve never thought people with lots of children were in a ‘privileged’ position- I always thought the opposite tbh as when growing up all the posh families I know had one child and the opposite end of the social scale had more kids! Also cultural differences play a part I’m sure.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced such things and I hope your DC finds true lifelong friendship x

@babyproblems lots of dc are a status symbol now.

I am an only child but not through my parents choice, they would have loved more I'm sure. Growing up it did not worry me and while we weren't well off I certainly had more nice stuff/holidays/opportunity than if would have had a sibling I'm sure.

As an adult it sucks! I would love to have a sibling to share memories with and also to share the load of caring for aging parents. It's really hard to do this alone.

One is completely fine and actually very wise. You sound happy and settled. Quit while you're ahead, I say. I have a brother and we are completely distant sadly, so there are no guarantees.

I'm an only child (in my 60s) and my late DM was also an only. There weren't many other only children at my school, but that was in a small town. Funnily enough, I am very much into music and several of my favourite musicians are only children and they are in their late 70s/early 80s. I loved being an only and never wanted siblings. My exDH has nothing to do with his only sibling.

I agree with a pp - it was fine then, and it's fine now.

I think being an only child as a child is fine. If you have friends and are part of groups like Brownies etc, you don't really notice it too much. Especially if you are a fairly quiet child.

It's as an adult that the challenges can really start to hit home, especially if you remain single and / or don't have children of your own. As an example, my aunty has 3 sisters. They are very close. I know this isn't a given, but I do know plenty of other people who are close to their siblings. One of the sisters who is single and without children got cancer. The other sisters rallied round, loved and supported her. She did not face it alone. If they had not existed, who would she have had? Friends maybe, but there are a number of posters on MN who are always keen to point out that friends are not like family. I myself am not sure on that - I don't think I have experienced enough of life to know.

Supporting elderly parents is also a huge worry of mine as an only child. As well as just feeding sad that I don't have the family connections that others do. I hate going into card shops and seeing all the rows of cards for people I will never have in my life - sister, brother, nephew, niece, sister-in-law, brother-in-law and also daughter, son and grandchildren, as I am not lucky enough to have children myself either.

Obviously there is no guarantee that siblings would have made me feel any more connected, but being an only child has guaranteed that I will never have those particular connections. I do work on and value other connections (friendships) but somehow there's always that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I am different to most people of 'less than' because I don't have the family connections they do. Those stupid pictures and ornaments which say 'family is everything' kill me inside.

I really think it depends on how you bring the child up. I was a lonely only. My parents made no efforts to arrange play dates for me, no cousins, no pets and little social activity in general. This resulted in me lacking confidence around other children and having a pretty lonely childhood, then compounded by my parents divorcing and neither really wanting me around. It was made very clear to me growing up that I’d been an accident and how lucky I was that my DM hadn’t aborted me!
Clearly you are nothing like that OP, so I’d do what feels right to you.

There was a thread a few months ago about growing up in a large family and it basically mirrored this one. There were people that loved it and themselves had gone on to have large families themselves. Others absolutely hated it and them themselves had either gone on to have one or no children.

There's so much pressure on people to have the "perfect" 2.4 children family but the reality is there are a million factors that are outwith our control in life and as hard as we try, we can't engineer a life for our children that is perfect or will mean they will never be unhappy.

What I'm trying to say is that you will never get a definitive answer on whether being an only child family is good or not because people's experience is different and unique to them, however if you want to look at it statistically then only children do not grow up any more lonely or disadvantaged than those with symptoms.

There will always be happy and unhappy children in any size of family:

Some love being an only child, some hate it.
Some growing up with one sibling wish they had more.
Some children don't like growing up as one of three as they felt left out.
Some people hated growing up in a large family as they felt their parents were overstretched and they never got any attention.
Some people hate their siblings and wish they were only children.

All you can do OP, is make the best decisions for you as parents and as a family and what you feel you can cope with.