To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

I read an article years ago about the differences between only children and children within larger families. The positives for only children is that they for the most part are able to converse with adults sooner, they are more independent and have closer relationships with their parents. As children, they rely more heavily on their parents to entertain them, than siblings who have each other.

Obviously there are going to be circumstances which render these generalizations untrue.

For the children who grew up with siblings they find it easier to socialize with their own age group, are less likely to suffer from shyness, if you have a family of b/g siblings, they tend to deal better with the opposite gender early on.

Again, all disprovable with individual cases.

I was born in the late 60s and grew up during the 70s/80s when there were tons of only children. It was a phenomenon, springing from economic downturns (the strikes etc) as well as the advent of feminism and more jobs for women. Easier to have one, go back to work and stay there, which is what my mum did.

I remember begging for a sibling around the age of 8 and feeling acutely lonely. I do believe some people are lonely regardless of circumstances and some people are not. I have 2 kids, very very close in age, B/G combination and they are extremely different people who played together as small children but now in their late teens don't really socialize unless its a family event. I know each of them benefitted hugely from having the other one around.

Surfarisa your comment regarding caring for elderly parents is comforting as that is my worry. That I will have to deal with elderly parents alone.

Surfarosa that should read.

This is a good point. I have two daughters, and when it was just the older one, we had a nice, quiet sort of family. Then the second one was born. She’s much more extroverted than everyone else and has the hyperactive type of ADHD (my older daughter and I have the inattentive type). Completely different vibe around our house these days. She’ll walk into a room where we’re all reading books and demand to know why everyone is ignoring her. 😂

I adore her, and being her mother has pushed me out of my comfort zone in a good way. But I think it would be difficult if I’d been ambivalent about having a second child.

My mother only wanted one and was persuaded to have another, she loves my brother but when I had an Only she quietly admitted one day she wished she had trusted her instincts and stopped at one. I was an easy child, my brother is challenging (ND) and we aren’t close as adults. I love him dearly but don’t always like him very much. We are very different and have never been close, we didn’t play together much after the age of 7.

Any child should be wanted in their own right, not as a plaything for an existing child. They should be equals.

I never wanted more than one and no regrets here. Some people feel there is someone missing in their family but I have never felt that.

Personalities are a factor, my DD is fairly extrovert and confident and makes
friends easily. She also likes adult company. I have no doubt she will thrive as an Only and won’t be lonely but I am also aware it requires a lot of our input to make sure she has friends and someone to play with as much as possible. I seek things out for her until she is old enough to do it herself. She has been in almost full time childcare from 13 months so has always been around others and is good at sharing and has very good social skills. She isn’t stereotypical apart from being quite advanced academically which is likely partly due to being around adults so much.

As it is I was 41.5 when she was born so another was always unlikely regardless of what I felt! And her dad is even older.

DH is one of 3 and hasn’t seen or spoken to his siblings for 33 years. He may as well be an Only.

My mum died 3 years ago… she was 84 and never ever forgave her parents for CHOOSING to have only her .. she felt the loss of a sibling acutely through all periods of life , from growing up, graduating, marriage. early death of father and then death of mother .. it all fell to her .. she had four children.. probably out of spite to her own parents who were extremely wealthy and could of afforded a barn load and a couple of nannies but were just to into each other …

Rubbish. I'm in my early 60s. I'm an only, I'm the daughter of an only & the mother of an only. Only ignorant people criticise other people's parenting options. That has always been the case.

It’s interesting. My DS is an only child but now 20 and has talked about how he feels about it. He says that we didn’t bring him up like an only child. His friends assume he has brothers and sisters because of the way he behaves. Maybe it’s because DH and I are from big families and DS did spend a lot of time with cousins.
DS has said that he doesn’t feel like an only child. I do think it is how they are parented. He had one friend at school who was an only child of two “only” parents. His behaviour was definitely different and DS struggled with the friendship and after only a couple of years he distanced himself. He felt that the friendship was very possessive and unhappy if DS wanted to socialise with a bigger group. DS spends a lot of time with a group of friends now who are not only children, he has his own room at one friend’s house since he crashes there so often.

We have taken his friends on holiday with us in the past and I suspect our experience as siblings mean that we have not always sided with him in disagreements so he has experienced the injustice of being part of a bigger family.

We weren’t parents of an only child by choice so maybe our approach was different.

Yes definitely different to previous generations. Times have changed, big time.

only children are far more prevalent now, I suspect for a number of reasons including cost, both parents working, parents feeling burnt out and let’s face it, life really is easier with one child.

Lots of parents are as interested in preserving more of their own life and interests than solely on parenting multiple children which is really hard work. Yes they may have each other to play with but the amount of input needed to be a good parent to multiple children must be very demanding indeed.

in our sons year at school, at least a third are only children. It’s so common these days. We decided to stick at 1 and whilst I did have some pangs of guilt when he was younger it has passed now. He is at a friends house today and it’s brilliant because then the day really is freed up to do adult things. Whereas people who have more than one don’t get that unless they can offload multiple children! Perhaps they’re not bothered and love being around their kids 24/7 but personally I really value time without my child as much as I do spending time with him!

anyway from my own experience I just knew that I wasn’t up for doing it again. We have a busy house, friends and family come over a lot, he has a busy and varied life. I’m happy with the decision, our son is happy and that’s all that matters really.

I’m one of 6 and have 1 dd (14). I know lots of single children families and shock horror they’re all just normal kids! None of them have 2 heads or are socially inept.

my dd loves being a single child. She’s very sociable, has lots of friends and cousins and a very active life. She is excellent at her sport but this means she trains 6 times a week plus full weekends of competitions (during the season). We feel very lucky that we can dedicate our time to nurturing this passion. I had to give up my sport when I was a child because my parents couldn’t facilitate taking me to competitions due to the younger siblings. I still look back with sadness as I was really good!

we have a lot more head space and money compared to friends with 2 and similar incomes. We have 5-6 holidays a year and healthy fund to support them at uni/ car or getting onto the housing ladder.

have the number of dc you want, otherwise if you do it with an aim (for your dc to have a sibling) you might be disappointed.

I think the idea of having a child you don’t want for any reason is deeply unwise. Having a child you don’t want with the idea that you’re selflessly doing it to ‘give your child a sibling’ is a recipe for disaster.

I have one child because one was all I wanted. That’s all it ever needs to be.

Indeed. I live in a different continent from my siblings.

People love to romanticise having siblings but many people have nothing to do with their siblings and are far closer to their friends.

Another lived perspective. When your parents die, you feel grateful to share memories and the grief with a sibling, despite having different childhood experiences, opinions etc. And conversely it feels lonely being the only person of your own generation “left” with no siblings.

None of it is a reason to have/ not to have more children. That is more about what the parents wish for. OP, you can try sitting quietly with the question.

I have two but for a long time was happy with being one and done, my husband always wanted more than one but I was adamant I didn't want to have another child just to give my DD a sibling. As it turns out when she turned 3 I realised I actually did want another so we now have one of each.

I think you can give only children a lot more in terms of time, money attention etc but one unexpected (which seems.silly to me to say out loud) joy I had was in their relationship too.

At one point my four siblings and I were living in Poland, Ireland, the ME, Beijing and the UK. We get on perfectly well, but I doubt any of us views the existence of the others as a ‘gift’.

I definitely wanted more than one, would have loved it for both myself (didn’t feel ‘done’) and for DD. It didn’t happen and it’s not going to now.

There’s research out there that shows there’s actually a lot more positive outcomes for only children - I remember reading it when I was desperately trying to console myself DD wasn’t going to be lonely and sad! I’m kind of past it now, I’ll always be a bit sad but I’m also very grateful to have DD and very aware of the good things only having one has allowed us.

It’s definitely not as unusual now I don’t think - of my 4 close ‘mum friends’ only 1 has had a second child, another one never wanted a second, one had a health diagnosis that means it won’t happen now, and one tried for a while but it didn’t happen and has since split up with her husband (I guess she might one day have a child with another partner but she says she wouldn’t want that). There’s also 8 families with children on our little close, including us, half of them have just the one child, the rest have 2, nobody has more than 2. DD just has one cousin on her dad’s side. Bigger families abound on my side though - there’s hundreds of cousins and second cousins and on and on.

As for us - took a long time to conceive with DD and it never happened again, now too old.

I think there are a lot of very happy only children whose parents give them wonderful lives. For DD, she definitely would have loved a sibling she does get a bit lonely sometimes I think, she is also so much easier to manage when there’s other children around - she’s very very demanding of our time and attention otherwise and still hasn’t quite cracked independent play no matter how hard we encourage it! I find having an only quite draining in that sense, and I do feel like the onus is always on us to try to make sure she gets time with her cousins, with friends, to keep her entertained. Holidays are hard work too until/ unless she makes a friend there. I far prefer going away in a group just to take a bit of the pressure off. I’m hoping this will ease as she gets a bit older though - but some of it is just her personality, I remember being a fairly self contained kid who quite enjoyed my own company and pursuits - am still like that now. DD is far more sociable and outgoing and seems to thrive on far more interaction.

DH a happy succesful only child. He did see a lot of his cousins growing up and extended family and his parents took one of his friends on a lot with them.

They didn't really do family hoildays - and from 8 they went away without DH till he was a teen and could go out at night with them. He was also a latch key kid mch earlier than would be allowed now - 80s childhood.

He's always seen a lot of his parents as an adult. Also I'm around so he's not alone dealing with them as they age - though we aren't geogrphically close to them.

MIL was utterly bemused we wanted more than one child or that we had them at around 30 - decade later than her but too soon for her. They have TBH made a huge effort with the GC - and seem to have enjoyed doing kids stuff with them.

I think single kids are getting more common - it's expensive to have kids these days. However small families and greater movement around country does mean fewer extended family. DH and I both have 5 cousins - DH saw his way more than I did - but I knew mine- my DC have 2 from one sibling of mine who they have rarely seen.

We've been lucky our kids get on - and unlucky that we lived in some less than wlecoming areas so lucky the kids had each other as playmates. I know many siblings who do nothimng but fight and other like me and my siblings mostly indifferent polite when meet. Our get on and seem to love spending time together even as late teens - than is pure luck really.

I like the advice of thinking what you want your Christmas table to look like in 20 years (only half joking!).
I don't think being an only is bad especially if your aware and making effort for them to have close relationships with extended family and friends so they have a community beyond you.

I'm not lonely as an adult only child. Really don't think it would have added anything to my life.

Likewise.

I have a lot of siblings. I'm pregnant with my first and think will be my only. My siblings - with whom I'm really close - have lots of kids between them, so my DC will probably have a pseudo-sibling relationship with their cousins.

We'd probably have to move house and wait 5 years to get financially ready for a second (if it ever came to that). I can't really see us affording it. I don't understand how any one affords to have more than two. Plus I dread trying for number two and having twins.

My only fear is that there won't be a sibling to support DC when me and DH both cark it tbh. I don't like the thought of them being alone in the world. But then, we could give them a sibling and they could hate each other's guts. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP if you don't feel a strong pull for a second, I wouldn't go for it. I have struggled with this a lot over the last 5 years. Neither of us felt super strongly but felt it was expected and we wanted my son to have a sibling. I found once I committed and we started trying that I lost my perspective. I've had lots of fertility treatment and two losses (the last one brutal) so I've drawn a line under it. I can't help feeling though that I should have trusted my gut and spared myself a lot of misery...

I had two friends (one from school, one as an adult) and I must admit they were both stereotypical bossy, rather spoilt, only children. It did put me off making my eldest an only. I’m trying to think if any of their friends over the years have been only children and I can’t think of any at all.

I did have a second child so my first wouldn’t be an only (surely a very common reason to have another, there is no selfless reason to have children, whether it be one, two or ten). I’m very glad I did as they have always got on and I think there would have been too much pressure on me to always make sure an only wasn’t bored, lonely etc.

This is me though. You do what is right for you.

I’ve been thinking of this too, I have one baby a few months old, a result of ivf and we are not sure we can afford the process for another. I do wonder if we didn’t have another what her life would be like. Would it be very sad? I only think this because DH and I live in a different country to our families and they are all older, grandparents older and not physically well, nieces/nephews are much older too so our baby won’t have cousins close in age. It also makes me sad to think of her never having any nieces or nephews as well as no siblings and all extended family living in another country. I am for some reason nervous about having a second as I worry they could have serious SEN, I have a genetic condition and it could be passed on.

I did this. I was originally only going to have the one then decided he needed a sibling but worried I might not love the second as much. Boy was I wrong. I am so close to my second we are like peas in a pod. I love my first every bit as much but my second is my baby (even though he’s 6’1 lol).