To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

Interesting, my mum has a sister and my dad a brother. Both of them were absolutely useless when it came to sorting anything for them as they aged. In fact, they caused a lot of extra stress.

I’m sorry to hear that. My sister and I (and some if my mum’s sisters) were absolutely a team when my mum was terminally ill. DD saw this play out, saw what a support we all were to each other. She talks about it quite a lot.

My Mum was an only child (not her parent's choice). She hated it as a child and hated it even more as an adult as her parents aged. She had 4 children, we all loved growing up as part of a large family and are still close. Only badly parented children don't get on as adults.

But this is why it doesn't come down to having or not having a sibling when concerning elderly relatives in later life. It's more about what suits you as a family now.

I can empathise with only children feeling lonely and that a lack of sibling contributes to this. This maybe the case but I do feel a lot of only children romanticise and place a lot of weight on the idea that a sibling would allievate all their problems and they would never be lonely again.

Many people have said a friend isn't the same as a sibling but if you've never had a sibling you can't possibly understand that a friend can mean more than a sibling. My best friend is truly like a sister to me and has never let me down and is always thoughtful. Two years ago, I was hospitalised for post natal depression and it was my friends who were messaging me, offering to visit, video calling me. I heard absolutely nothing from my siblings. Similarly when I had a miscarriage as well.

And despite having two siblings (one a twin). I still had periods of intense loneliness and feelings isolated growing up. Similarly another family member who moved city yet is very close to her siblings, developed severe depression over her lack of friends.

Loneliness is awful and can happen to anyone. I'd go as far as saying that relying or thinking having a sibling (or siblings) to try and fix this is very naive and certainly people shouldn't be having an extra child incase their only child might be lonely.

As I said I am not dismissing the feelings of only children here however there is no evidence or certainty a sibling would have solved all their problems.

Oh that is complete nonsense. Personalities clash, some are abusive, or just generally unpleasant people. Even the best parents can still produce a rotter.

Well, I never wanted just one. When she was little, though, having one by and large worked fine. But it doesn’t now. She is lonely. She doesn’t have anyone to be on her side if me and DH are cross with her for whatever reason. She’s too much under our gaze, if that makes sense.

I know far more people who have a good relationship with their siblings than don’t.

This really rankers me. I can absolutely assure you that I was not badly parented. Far from it, my parents are absolutely wonderful. It's been in the last few years as adults me and my siblings haven't got on though we've never been close and it's totally irrespective of my parents.

People love to make sweeping statements of things they have no experience or evidence for and can't seem to accept that people have different life experiences that are different from theirs.

I was an only and I was never lonely or overly spoilt. I was forced to be social and I've made wonderful friends. I've also always valued my alone time.

My DS is an only (he wasn't raised with DSD) and he loves it. He's got a good group of close friends. He loves having his own space. He is charismatic and can talk easily to people. He and I are very close.

From my experience of friends with siblings and my cousins they aren't close and some rarely see each other.

I really wanted a sibling when i was little - since then have spent the rest of my life regretting that I actually got one. We have never got on. DS is an only and is so thankful for it!

It’s funny how if an only children says “I always wanted siblings, so I deliberately had two children”, people are quick to nod and see it as an example of how only children are a negative thing. Look, even the only children think it’s a bad idea! They cite it in future discussions about only children.

But if someone with a sibling says they always wished they were an only child and deliberately had an only child themselves, there’s not the same clamour to claim it proves that having siblings is a bad thing. Suddenly it’s a parenting issue, a very small chance of it happening, a flaw with the person themselves. When discussing family size, you never hear people bring up their friends with poor sibling relationships as a reason to stick to one.

My DD, an only child and I (I was a single parent), lived as a family, not a single parent family or an only child family.

We have a large extended family, so family gatherings were loud and fun but when we were at home together we lived exactly like a family of
four would.

Only children families are not quiet, barren households.

Before going off to the family for Christmas, we would always have our special Christmas at home, just she and I, and we still talk about that time with fond memories.

Adult dd wanted a sibling and didn’t get one. She did complain as a teen about being an only but I think had a romanticised view of a sibling. It’s no guarantee that siblings get on. I didn’t get on with my brother as kids and we communicate at Xmas now and not much more. I think do what’s right for you.

Oh also I would love not to have to sort out my parents estate with my sibling when they are gone. I can see it causing all sorts of rows and being a complete nightmare. I would much rather sort it out on my own, it would be 1000 times easier.

They’re 3 and 2 years old; they play well with their friends at nursery but when they’re together they want to play with each other

Your parents were absolutely wonderful yet they failed to teach you all how to get along? I think getting on with other people is a pretty basic life skill that parents should teach their children. You don't need to agree about everything or have the same interests but you should have sufficient social skills to be able to not fall out with other people.

Yes they were wonderful. Who the hell do you think you are that you know so much about my childhood, experiences or anything about me or my siblings.

And part of teaching social skills is teaching people about not being complete walkover and about having people in your life that add value to it and don't take it from it.

I don't have to go into the reasons me and my siblings don't get on but it has absolutely nothing to do with how I was brought up or anything to do with my parents. I have plenty of people in my life I do get on with. Just because people are related doesn't mean they have to get on.

So you can fuck off with your narrow minded judgementalness and I sincerely hope you've taught your children about self respect. Having good social skills doesn't mean not falling out with people. Should people put up with dispensable and at times abusive behaviour then so they don't fall out? Is that what you teach your children?

Yes, you said this. But inclusivity is still something they should practice when out together in social environments. They can play one-on-one at home all the time, surely.

I have kids who are 15 months apart and as toddlers / in the early school years they were always both inclusive of only children or other sets of siblings who played alongside and with them. Sometimes an only child would try to leave one of mine out, but we corrected this, or stopped playing with them.

My mother would tell you it was great that I was an only. She would also tell you how thankful I was. I would never put her straight.

I am an only child and both my parents were only children too. So no siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins.
I missed cousins more than siblings growing up. Now I’m a mum I have been fortunate enough to have two kids.
I guess that situation of two only children having just the 1 child we get more common in the future but it felt very lonely to me

Don't over think things. Both me and OH had one sibling, but we were very different and did our own thing and since becoming adults we have very little contact. We had different hobbies, different friend groups, etc., right from starting secondary school. We both spent time and did things with our respective siblings when very young, but had really gone our separate ways by leaving primary school age.

We only have one child. It's been absolutely fine. He's made lots of friends, via school, via hobbies, via sports, via Uni, via work, and says he's never felt "lonely" and that he doesn't miss what he didn't have.

Partner and I may as well have been only children. Our siblings are toxic, one of them was abusive to one of us growing up, which has left its mark.
We don't have a decent one between us and it's been hard at times, so no don't bother.

I'm an only child ( 38 ) and never felt like I missed out. I've always had the raised eyebrows "ooh only child" comments. People assume you are hard done and a spoilt brat at the same time. I was happy loved and (unfortunately 😉) not spoilt.
We had our first and didn't really think about another till it happened and we miscarried. We decided to try and now we have our second. There's a 6 year age gap and they are perfect together. My little girl used to go on about having a sibling but she never really missed out.
Bit of a waffle but I don't think there is a right it won't answer. Just do what feels right for you all at the time

my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister.

@ThePinkPonyClub do you agree that your sister is the best gift your mum ever gave you?

The horror... Children from a sub-optimally sized family approached yours and tried to interact with them in a public space. I must remember to keep a closer eye on my only at soft play in future so he doesn't puncture the perfect family bubble of other children. Or maybe give him up for adoption to a family with multiple children so he doesn't stand out/has siblings.