To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

I know more families with only children than families with 2 or more. These families with only children are also teens so unlikely to now have another. All kids seem happy and are very outgoing with many friends.

I'm an only child and would have hated a sibling. I struggled with other kids being in my personal space even just at school, or family/friends coming over with their kids. I wanted to be alone and didn't want to play with others, and it was horrible to be forced to interact with other children - other kids just made me feel overwhelmed and extremely anxious, even outright panicked. I'm awaiting autism assessment now at 36, so perhaps that has some bearing on all this for me.

I certainly don't wish I had a sibling now. I'd cope better of course as an adult, but it would be yet another person to be expected to look after and most likely be compared to by my parents? No thanks, I'm fine without all that. If I want a connection I'll go make a friend (which I also don't feel any desire to do).

I know quite a few only children, and they are all lovely children and very much loved by their parents. I'm sure there are plenty of advantages. We have a big family and I have to juggle, sometimes there are compromises or my attention is divided. Last year my son made a friend on holiday, he was always wanting to know what time my son would be going to the pool so they could play together. When he was just at the pool with his parents, they were all just floating in rings peacefully (looked very and relaxing to me haha, not like the busy time I was having!) where it's nice that mine always have someone to play with. We are fortunate that all of ours get along well though, I know it's not always the case. There's benefits and disadvantages for both sides and no right answer. Either way I'm sure she will be just fine!

I don't think the stigma is there so much- if anyone comments on the fact dd is an only, l shut them down quickly by asking if they have heard of secondary infertility.
But she has a wonderful life and we often have a houseful of friends or family but enjoy the peace having an only brings too!

We have an only, he's confident, sociable shares and plays well with others. DH is an only and I have a brother. I get on fine with my brother but we don't set each other all the time and we're not especially close, I know as my parents age he won't be of any practical help.
We are very open to ds taking a friend to places and covering the cost, he does have two cousins he sees fairly regularly (mostly when my parents or we are looking after them rather than my brother making the effort).
As he gets older if he gets bored on holidays I'm more than willing to pay for a friend to come. We didn't only have one for financial reasons, having him nearly killed me and I wasn't willing to risk that when I already had a child to think about.

There are also a number of other only children in his school class, I'd say at least a third. We do love in an expensive part of the country and most families have two full time working parents which might have an impact

I wouldn’t be as concerned about growing up without siblings, but in future when dealing with elderly parents, being an only child would be extremely tough.

I don't know any only children who are sad about it, though I do know plenty of people (including myself) who have poor or no relationships with their siblings. I have genuinely never encountered any negativity about the concept of only children outside MN. Plenty of my friends have stopped at one and none of them seem to have any regrets (in fact, it's the ones who are running around after 2-3 who have said, hmm, maybe only one would have been easier...)

I am an only child, I have childless relatives I will need to take responsibility for and I have no children or extended family to help me when the time comes. My future feels bleak. I am also married to another only child so no in laws or wider family there either. Terrifying really. I try to save a lot of money to be able to afford professional help - carers, counsellors for emotional support etc - basically everything a family would have given me.

HRFT but I’m an only grew up in 80s. I remembering hearing all the “an only is lonely/spoilt” comments and thinking how absurd they were. I was happy, had a great circle of good friends but also enjoyed my own company. To this day my DP (one of 3) credits my self-reliance and confidence on being an only child. It’s not for everyone but this idea that every child needs siblings is not true. Now I’m looking after aging parents I’m relieved I don’t have siblings that I have to negotiate with. I’m watching two or three sibling relationships break down in my friendship group due to disagreements over parental care and (sadly) inheritance.

I think just do what you want. I have a large family and lots of siblings myself. It suits me and is how I want my life to be.

I've gone on about this countless times but it isn't always easier having siblings to help with elderly parents. I work in adult social care, assessing for care packages and more often than not the care always seems to be left to one person.

And I am frequently, every day having to deal with families where the care is being left to one person and this one person is also having to deal and manage very problematic and challenging sibling relationships on top of this. It ends up being these sibling relationships and the problems they bring that is the thing that causes the most stress to these carers. And they are not isolated incidents either as people on here would make you think. And many families are scattered too.

It's the one thing that I'm absolutely not worried about by having one child based on my experience. It isn't always bleak for an only child when it comes to elderly parents. Myself and many of my colleagues only have one or no children. Certainly none of us have been so terrified of older age given we work day in and day out, that we're all rushing out to have more children.

Yes. Many 'only' children tend to be more confident and outgoing than children with siblings. Children with siblings can be confident of course, but 'only' children are more likely to be confident IME. Sometimes a sibling is kept down/dominated by another more forceful and confident sibling, whereas an 'only' one has never experienced this.

Oddly, all the 'only' children I have ever known have had no problem interacting with siblings playing together, as many children (especially younger/under 10 I would say,) are happy to welcome new friends.

They certainly seem more accommodating and friendly and accepting of new children/only children wanting to interact and play with them than some of the mothers do judging by this thread. If any children tell a child to push off and not come near them, I reckon there's a strong possibility that it's down to the mother's attitude. (Yes, the mother's not the father's. I doubt that men would be stopping other children play with theirs.) Some of the posts on this thread are evidencing this.

I agree with this. I have many siblings and nieces and nephews. When it comes down to sorting out family issues and care issues of elderly relatives everyone in my family looks to me.

It is frustrating but it is what it is. There are some family members that can barely look after themselves let alone elderly relatives.

I therefore prefer them to keep out of things. I find that when they do want to get involved it’s because there is a financial element or that they just cause problems.

I think it’s idealistic to think that all families can/do/should come together on family issues.

Some do of course and I commend those families.

They might hate their sibbling or their sibbling might hate them. Or more likely they might just not get along. They’re there own individual person, don’t have another child to give a friend to your first

I agree with @Surferosa too. There is no guarantee that having a sibling (or more than one,) will make life easier when your parents are elderly and infirm. Many siblings do not get on, and many people are bone idle and will want naff-all to do with looking after their elderly parents. I have see it happen SO many times.

I have been unable to have a second so far and just when I think I’m ok with that and am so lucky to have one (which I am) I read one of these threads and get derailed. Do appreciate life is life and sometimes things just don’t go to plan. Wishing the OP all the best in whatever way things go for them, there is no perfect scenario.

Just to add another perspective to this; I'm one of 3 and very close to my siblings. We would all get slightly annoyed when we swimming at the leisure centre, playing in the park etc when other kids would want to join us because we would play in school with our individual friends 5 days a week, for 7-8 hours a day not including our different extracurriculars so after school/weekends were 'our' time to play together and catch up. We already had limited time together we didn't want to reduce it even more

Different perspective, I suppose!

Inclusive? No!

Hopefully you and your siblings as adults have all the time you want to spend together now.

And your children can play with each other in the park because there are always other children that do want to play with other children.

It is quite nice to see children making friends and that social interaction does inspire their confidence.

Gosh, I think we were the complete opposite. We took one another entirely for granted as ‘default’ — the others were always there at home, or if no one else was, but we absolutely prioritised anyone who wasn’t a sibling.

My experience was the complete opposite. One of 4 and we absolutely did not prioritise playing with each other - we could do that anytime we wanted. We all had non-sibling friends who we spent plenty of time with out of school. In fact, past the age of about 7, we considered hanging out with siblings outside our home as really uncool. I distinctly remember my siblings ignoring me in the school corridor 😂 and walking home with friends instead of together.

You won't regret having another.

My Mum (only child) was surprised that we (her 4DC) never really wanted friends over, we were always quite happy playing together. Siblings that get on well have a family shorthand that makes things very easy and relaxed between them. We have happily absorbed the various husbands and wives that have joined us over the years but I'm happier spending time with my siblings (and cousins because I'm very close with them as well) than any friends, they are my companions through life. Nobody else has been present for all the important parts of my life, even DH missed the first couple of decades! Obviously I have good friends but there's something very special about siblings.

I saw three brothers, all close in age, knocking seven bells out of each other in soft play a few weeks ago. Jumping on each other, pushing each other, walloping each other. And they seemed to be enjoying it and their parent was doing very little to stop it, only intervening at the more egregious incidents.
This is normal, no? Like lion cubs in Attenborough doc? I think that's what you're saying, but as parent of 3, it is wearisome, if unsurprising!

For every only child who WAS lonely there's a sibling who felt crowded or fought with their siblings.

Some children get on, some don't, some thrive alone, some don't, some like only at home but lots of friends...

You can only make the decision for you. You can't guess what your child will retrospectively think of it in thirty years.

@Steakpeppersauceandchips I don’t know your individual situation but I just wanted to say that I was in your position not too long ago after nearly 2 years of trying for #2. We had no trouble first time round so it was really tough to understand why it wasn’t happening again. I had made my peace towards the end with just having 1 but it was hard. I can see the benefits of both scenarios and I think it helped as my husband is an only child so he was able to give a perspective that I never understood, but when you want another it’s so difficult to accept it’s out of your control.

I’m now gratefully over 20 weeks pregnant so don’t give up trying if you feel you can continue (I know it takes it’s mental toll) . I’m not writing this to rub it in, I just wanted to say that even when you think the journey may be over, miracles do happen. The month I fell pregnant (November), we had actually agreed would be the last of trying as my ovulation dates would have fallen on Christmas and we didn’t want to stress and ruin it for our son. For whatever reason we got the Christmas present we had been wishing for with a positive test.

Wishing you lots of luck with whatever path your life takes. 💜