To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

I am one of 4, my husband is one of 3. We expected to have at least a couple of children. It didn’t work out that way - recurrent miscarriages and age. We had our DD 23 years ago. Felt guilty for quite a while that she didn’t have a sibling but that wasn’t under my control.
I don’t call her an only child - I say she is a Limited Edition and we are grateful to have her. She’s a sociable, kind, thoughtful and high achieving young woman with lots of friends and family who love her.
Limited Edition children are fine!

I was an only child in the 80s and it was great. I definitely didn’t feel like it was different. I never really even pondered the existence of a sibling and I don’t feel at all sad I don’t have one as an adult. Dh and his brother are very close, but definitely can’t imagine them thinking the other is their parents’ greatest gift to them. 😂

I have 2 children and I’ve always wanted two children, not so they’d have each other. I’m not sure they are at all grateful for the other’s mortal existence. It’s because I wanted two children, frankly in part, in case one died, which is a bit morbid, I know. I didn’t feel done until I met the second one and it was like, right, my work is finished. Truly have a child because you want one, not because you think your child does or doesn’t. They aren’t the ones parenting them for the next 50-60 years.

Friends at pre school / school / uni are no substitution for a sibling or depriving a child of a wider family as they get older. Personally it’s not a choice I would have made for my child if I could have helped it

I use to always feel sorry for only children, I have 2 siblings but grew up in a big family with lots and lots of cousins so we were always together. It was only later in life when I met a few adults who were only children I understood that a lot of them were very happy the way they were.

i think it depends on lots of things, if you have a child that’s an introvert and likes being on their own I can see being an only child would make them happy, if you have a social butterfly who wants siblings that’s very different. I also think it depends on your family and social circle. If you have lots of family or friends you do lots with I think being an only child can work out well.

For me personally, Im NC or very LC with my immediate family and no longer see my extended ( easier not to due to my immediate family) my DHs family pay the bare minimum attention to our DCs. It makes me sad around times when everyone else is doing lots of things with cousins, grandparents and my DCs are missing out, but at least they have each other. on the other hand if we only had 1 child we’d be able to go away at these times and fill the child’s live with activities 🤷‍♀️

In a nutshell, it’s not a one size fits all, every family dynamic is different.

And just to add, depending on the dynamics of the siblings, age, sex etc.

I have two older siblings, they are extremely close in age, two brothers, they had the usual fights when we were younger but they did hang out together, not with me. So you could say that I too could sometimes feel like an only even with siblings. The house was busy with their friends, mine too at times, but when I was much younger I actually preferred to stay at my grandparents house, the peace was lovely. I’m much the same now though and do enjoy my alone times.

DH and his DB do not get along AT ALL. This is down to parenting though. DH’s father in particular almost took no notice of DH once his DB came along and its continued throughout their life. A recent situation where DH stepped in to help his DM and his favoured younger DB was nowhere to be seen! So even if you have a sibling, doesn’t mean they’ll be there to help with older parents. Resentment builds and I know DH wishes his DB didn’t exist, sadly.

I’m an only child I have many friends who are only child’s too.
Bizarrely the majority of my friends are either an only child, or from a family with many siblings- ie far more than average, mostly one of 4 or more. It’s probably an even mix.
The adults I know who do not get on at all with their siblings are always 1 of 2 without exception.
I know of lots of adults who have one sibling and are either lc or no.
I think there is more to do now for children in terms if entertainment. However, I think in some ways families are more insular. I was very close to my cousins growing up and I can’t remember a time when all of us didn’t meet up at grandma’s house for things like Christmas and Easter.
There are of course disadvantages to everything in life, being an only child is no exception.

Yes, I think it is different these days. I know lots of people who only have one child but when I was at school I hardly knew any only children.

One thing I wonder about though is cousins. Lots of people in real life have said to me “oh we only have one child, but we spend a lot of time with their cousins”. At least one person has mentioned cousins on this thread too.

My children don’t have any cousins and as that becomes more common (as many of the only children start pairing up with other only children) I wonder if it might impact people’s decisions around family planning. It was a factor for us when we decided to have a second child.

Obviously though the only thing that matters is whether or not you really want to have a second child. If you are happy with one, stick with that!

Plenty of siblings don't get on. Or barely see each other. People move away. Even emigrate.

I’m reading these comments with interest, as we’re having the same dilemma. Trouble is, we’re part of a culture where at least three children is the norm and many families have six or more. I got on well with my older sister as a child and still get on with her now, if we stay off politics/social issues but my DH doesn’t have a good relationship with his siblings. My DM was an only and I know she would have wanted an ally against her parents. Someone to vent to, who really gets what it’s like being in your family. We all need that sometimes!

I wouldn't have a child to give your child a sibling. If they're different sex with different interests there is probably an equal chance of it working out and them not getting on. If you got pregnant tomorrow, it's still going to be around 3.5 years until they play with each other.

I think the one child rule in China proved that being an only child doesn't have any negative effects. They will be fine. Have another child if you want another, but of course there are downsides as well

We had two with a 2.5 year age gap and I did regret it for the first couple of years, I just felt that i wasnt the best parent to either of them. And just the logistics are hard eg different clubs, one in school one in nursery etc. Even though mine aren't that far apart in age and have similar interests. They are good friends and i don't regret it now, and I like the noise and chaos (it feels too quiet when one of them is home and the other is at a friend's house) but it is a lot less calm

I am 1 of 6 and when I was a kid I was soooo jealous of only children. A girl in my class was an only child and I used to love going to her house. She had the coolest toys and her parents were always so happy to have me around for her to play with. She didn’t have cousins either which I could not get my head around. Now I am an adult my siblings are genuinely life savers. I can ditch my kids with them, they can leave theirs with me, one of my brothers is super tech savvy so I call him at least once a month with a computer problem. But there’s literally no way to tell if your kids will get on. I know a few people who don’t talk to their siblings. Personally I am glad I have a lot of siblings, and also with 6, the odds of me hating all of them were pretty low. There’s pros and cons to both, and only you can decide what’s right for you. For me, the thought of only having one was very much a no, but that’s because I don’t know any different. Also my financial position is very different to my parents, and finances would have been the only hard deal breaker that would make me only have one.

The ‘research’ indicating that only children are selfish has been completely debunked if that helps at all!

I’m one of 4 and it was utter chaos growing up.

The two siblings who have children are one and done. I’m on the fence about having a baby but if I were to go down that route I would definitely be one and done too.

I am currently dating an only child and his relationship with his parents and the quiet confidence he has from being his parents’ focus is a million miles away from what I got from my upbringing - I am actually envious of him! And that’s to say nothing of the financial support he has had…

Being an only child is a clear advantage in life - more and more people are realising this and stopping at one.

Everyone is different. I was an only child for a long time and I had more than one close in age because of my own experience. I found it lonely and didn't like going home from friends' houses and knowing that they still had all their siblings to play with, and I just had a quiet house.

But I have lots of friends who are only children and they are all ok. I also have friends from big families who had smaller families because they weren't happy growing up.

PND is also a huge consideration. I had it badly with my youngest and would not chance it again...making the best choice for your personal circumstances might not be the same thing as your best choice in an ideal world, and that's just what it is.

I’m an only child and whilst it wasn’t awful growing up, I was left on my own quite a lot at times and I did feel lonely - however I had nice friends locally and at school and don’t think I am especially maladjusted to life compared to people with siblings.

Having said that, I wasn’t keen to have an only child myself, so for me the choice was between having no children and more than one. I’ve been lucky enough to have DD6 and DD3; I found it a hugely difficult transition when my eldest was born, lack of freedom and sleep mostly, and I also found it intense playing all the imaginary toddler games with her. Having a second was much easier in many ways as I found the difficult stages passed more quickly, both because I knew they would end and because we were just busier! I also find they entertain each other a lot, so the toddler stages with DD3 have been easier for me.

I’m now also at the stage of having ageing/ disabled parents to deal with and I really feel the lack of a sibling to share the practical and also emotional burden with - my mum is very unwell and now non-verbal, so my dad really only has me to share things with, and I don’t feel I’m doing a great job on my own.

I always find the idea of having a sibling to have shared memories and history utterly bizarre. Myself and my siblings don't have identical childhoods. We had different school experiences, different friends and even how we viewed and experienced our childhood and our relationship with our parents is different.

I don't get on with either of them and it's completely meaningless to me the fact we grew up together in the same house.

And I always seem to see this sharing of elder care as a reason to have one more than sibling. It's working in elder social care that's me comfortable with having one child. More often than not it's left to one child anyway and I've come across some absolute horror families and siblings all falling out. The fact they have a shared history or memories means absolutey nothing.

I am an only child. I had two pretty much for the reasons you describe, everyone of my parents generation saying how sorry they felt for me. I never did feel lonely though and have always had a god bunch of friends.

And unfortunately my two fight like drunks, they’re uni age now but have done from toddler hood, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they have little to do with one another as adults! They’re great kids separately, but it’s tedious spending time with the two of them together bickering. Stick to one OP!

With regard to care for the elderly, pop over to the elderly parents board and you’ll find 90% of cases it all falls to one child with the other(s) keeping well out of the way…

I agree with you. Having worked in care it does fall upon one child most of the time imo and when it doesn’t the ructions when they have very different ideas of how to care for their elderly parent e.g one wants to put them in a care home and the other doesn’t, are something to behold. I’ve cared for 3 family members now and I’d rather do without that kind of “help.”

I’ve also seen some awful behaviour between siblings during a crisis including siblings colluding to cheat one out of a will at a time when they should have been supporting each other.

And what if the sibling is born with severe special needs or develops them. Then you might be giving them another person to care for.

Of course there are positive sibling relationships too but you have no idea if they’ll be their best friend or their worst enemy or anything inbetween. There are no guarantees so it’s foolish imo to have a child just because you think they need a sibling. You should have another because you want one, think you can manage the stress of two and can afford to do so. A second child is going to have a bigger impact on you so that should be your primary concern. Not some hypothetical sibling relationship that may be far from the loving easygoing relationship that you are picturing

I think parents tend to be more hands on than they used to be, and play with their children in a way I don't remember my parents doing. We have an only, much for the same reasons you are considering sticking to one and nearly 8 years it works brilliantly for us.

I would echo other posters who said don't have another to give your existing kid a sibling. You have no way of knowing what the next child will be like. Having a sibling does not automatically mean that they will have someone to share the burden with as you and your partner age. Out of all the adult siblings I know, very few of them have a loving and mutually supportive relationship as adults, and elderly care is often left to just one. I know several that are completely NC with siblings due to abuse (sib to sib), or else have a difficult or distant relationship.

I always liked being an only child. And, goodness, I would hope the best thing your mum ever gave you is unconditional love, because that should be the best thing every parent gives their child.

I’m American, so I can’t speak as to how only children are regarded in the UK, but I think that generally in western society, people have stopped seeing only children as unusual.

I am an only child. I second what people say who talk about it missing having somebody to share things with as an adult - yes you can have friends but it's not the same. I deliberately chose to have 2 children. Yes, they are very different but they are there for each other.

I actually think its harder for only children now then it was when I was a child ( I am in my 50s). When I was young kids did not need to rely on their parents to facilitate their social life. Instead we went out by ourselves and played with children who lived locally. We had a lot of freedom and genuinely did ' make our own fun.'

This has died out in most parts of the UK. Children do not call on each other but rely on parents to organise play dates. That can be hard to do as kids spend so much time at clubs and activities, or are with family at weekends as parents work hard and that's the only time they have together. Finding a time when your child and the other child are free is not easy. Yes your child can live at clubs 5 days a week, but that's not playing is it? And I do think playing is important for kids.

If you have cousins you are close to and see a lot then it may fine for your daughter, or if you and her are very confident, social and popular.

Of the three only children I know well, two of them do spend a lot of time alone outside of formal ' activities' and their parents are quite worried about this (these children are now at senior school, so its always been like this for them at Junior school).

I thought about stopping at one but in the end didn't. I am really glad I didn't now as my kids always have each other to play with. It wouldn't have been easy for me to create a social life for them and the one I had would have been alone at lot. (And that creates a lot of work for you as a parent to be your child's play mate).

I think having another child just so your first can have a sibling is a bad idea! Your second might be very hard work and you might resent them unless you actually want them...

I think it is different these days in that it's very common so there us less stigma for want of a better word.

When I was born it was more unusual So people would say stuff like that.

I think in the past people kind of had as many kids as would 'naturally' happen..where's now people worry more about the world in which your children would have to live.

Many people would think it irresponsible to put financial pressure on the family or devide attention. Also that the way the world is going it's not necessarily going to be fantastic in twenty, fifty years time.

I'm an only child, I had two older siblings who were stillborn. They wouldn't been 15-17 years older than me. I always felt very content with my mum, and loved. Sometimes I imagine what my older siblings would be like but I never wished for any more younger ones in real life.