To wonder if being an only child is different now to in previous generations?

[ThePinkPonyClub]

I'm a mum to an amazing 3 year old daughter, and we are still on the fence about having any more children. To be totally honest the only reason it's still on the table is for DD to potentially have a sibling - neither of us have a burning desire outside of that reason especially given how unaffordable life is these days! I also had terrible PND and am much better now but she definitely gets the best version of me and I genuinely fear she wouldn't if I was to go through the pregnancy and post natal period again.

When I was a child I only had one friend whi was an only and that wasn't his parents choice. There were expressions like 'an only is lonely' and the only children are selfish/spoiled trope. my mum always told me that the best gift she ever gave me was my younger sister. If I think about it too much I start to feel dreadfully guilty that we are considering leaving my daughter without a brother or sister.

But on the other hand, I know quite a few couples now that have stopped at one and it doesn't seem to be a 'thing' that their kid is an only. Most of these kids were in childcare from age 1 as is often the case these days and I've genuinely not noticed any of those stereotypical 'only child' personalities. Which makes me feel better again. My own daughter goes to pre school 3 days a week and has loads of friends there, she goes to a couple of clubs, we tend to meet up with friends with kids and her cousins on weekends which I expect will get more so once she's at school, so would she really be lonely?

I seem to be constantly dwelling on this at the moment and would love others thoughts?

Well the greatest gift your parents ever gave you was a sister. But perhaps the greatest gift you’ll give your daughter is a stonking huge house deposit on her 18th birthday 😜 all that cash saved!

Only children aren’t sad acts. Don’t worry about it - live the life you guys want!

I longed for a sibling, but Mum had 3 miscarriages.

i think that I might have found it easier to relate to other people if I'd had siblings.

I do envy those who had siblings when it came to helping elderly parents, organising funerals and so on. (Sorry if that sounds morbid.)

Mind you, I know that having siblings guarantees nothing - we probably all know examples of situations where one child was left to deal with everything.

A brother or sister is not a gift to another child. It is a gift for the parents.

A few only children may get a bit lonely as adults, but they are no more likely to get 'lonely' than people with siblings. I know numerous people who are estranged from siblings, and who hate them, and have zero relationship with them. Many people! More than I do people who DO get on with them. (And see them all the time.)

DH and I have a brother each, and we never see them OR our nephews/niece (my brother has 2 boys and DH's brother has a girl.) They are all 25 to 35 now, and we haven't seen them for about 15-18 years. We all drifted apart when our parents died (both sets of parents died some 14-20 years ago all within 6 or 7 years of one another.) Both brothers moved 1000s of miles away to another continent. And all 3 kids went with them. There is zero contact now. We had Facebook contact for a bit, and sent Christmas cards and gifts, but it stopped around 5-6 years ago and never resumed. No real bad feeling, just drifted apart/lost contact..

@ThePinkPonyClub Do NOT have more kids just for company for your child. There is no guarantee they will get on, or like each other, and it's just more expense and stress for you. Your only daughter will be happy with lovely parents like you and your DH.

Even with siblings though, I know numerous women who are the oldest daughter in the family, and everything falls to them when it comes to looking after the elderly parents/sorting their life for them. Younger daughters don't get involved much, and the sons do fuck-all. So even if you have siblings there is no guarantee that any of them will help with the parents when they are elderly.

One woman I know (in her early 60s) has one sister aged 48 who moved to France 10 years ago, and 5 brothers - 3 in their 50s, and 2 who are in their mid 60s (older than her,) and it is 100% HER looking after her elderly and infirm mother who is in her late 80s.

Said woman is always running around like a blue arsed fly, constantly chasing her tail, still working, 2 children of her own in their mid-late 20s still living at home, and 2 grandchildren who live with her, after her 25 y.o daughter split up from her husband. She's run ragged, yet the other daughter, and the 5 sons do naff-all!

!

Do you live in the UK and how old are your children? Pretty unusual that they’ve never had a friend who was an only child. At least a third of DNephew’s class are only children. Granted they’re only 8 so still time for siblings to be born, but it’s really very common in that generation.

If the only reason to have another child is a ready made playmate for an existing child, then forget it. Children generally don't want to share their parent's love and attention (or quite frankly resources) with another child. Think about it - why would they? They might go through a phase of saying "can I have a sis/bro" but it's just a childlike notion, they don't grasp the reality of it. I've never known a lonely only child and I've never met one who's unpleasantly spoilt. On the other hand, I've known many siblings that fight like hell and who resent each other. I've also known some very mouthy and demanding children who are not "only" kids. I think this is such an old fashioned idea, mainly designed to keep women pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen.

In the UK. They are early twenties. Their friends in the school years used to be round our house a lot so I knew them quite well. None of the friends I was familiar with through their schools were only children. Obviously since they were adult I don’t know about newer friends. I have only had two friends myself who were only.

But what other reasons are there? The only reason people choose to have more than one child is to expand their family, ie parents, sons, daughters (brothers/sisters).

I’m an only child and was pretty much always the only child in my class all the way through school.

DC1 was an only until almost 8. In dc1 class at school there were 4, (now 3) only children. So it is chaging.

I'm an only. It was pretty shit growing up despite having cousins near by. It's not the same as having another child in your home with you. There's a reason I have 3DC and would have gone on to have more if DH and I had met earlier in life.

You can entertain your child, sure. But you aren't a substitute for another child, nothing like it, so please don't tell yourself you are in order to avoid having to arrange more playdates.

It's actually worse now as an adult. What I'd give for a sibling. I get they could be an arsehole. Most aren't. I'm very lonely, and my parents having nothing other than me to focus on and run around for them, is draining. Friends are great, but they aren't a sibling.

I'm not spoiled. But my parents are millionaires and I'll likely get a whopping inheritance. I'd give the lot to have someone to share with. Then and now.

There will probably be far more only children now as it’s just too expensive for a lot of people to contemplate having more, especially if they have one of each so separate bedrooms etc. It was a relief my second was also a boy as I felt it would be easier on a practical level (it was).

DD is 15. When she was little being an only wasn’t really an issue - though unlike many MNers with only children,
she doesn’t have hordes of cousins to play with/hang out with.

But as she’s got older it’s become harder. She’s lonely much of the time (holidays have often been a challenge and I have definitely felt like the mum begging for play dates from others doing loads with their families - our family isn’t that huge and we were never away for weeks on the holidays).

But it’s also that the balance is wrong. She is the focus of our attention too much, I think. Going out is hard - three’s a crowd and too often it’s me and DH chatting while she trails long behind plugged into her music. Going away on holiday is harder every year, I think we actually might have to start going on holiday 1-on-1.

And she is well aware of how hard it is dealing with elderly parents and death and bereavement, even with support from siblings. Doing that with no siblings worries her.

So that’s my twopennoth. If you’d asked me this when she was aged under about 10 I would have said it was pretty much fine. But it isn’t any more.

Having another child simply to entertain your existing one is a not a sound reason. Women have children because, well, they love children surely? That and the overwhelming biological urge to reproduce. If having another child is based purely the old wives' tale and archaic thinking of "lonely only" then I despair.

@Ddakji What I like about having a sister is we can argue in a way I just can’t with a friend. We argued like cats and dogs growing up but as we got further into adulthood we became closer. It’s a much easier dynamic than even with a best friend because you can truly be just yourself.
She can still drive me nuts but she’s a companion that is always there even when she’s not there. Unlike with friends, we have both lived in other countries, not seen each other for a few years in our time but as sisters we never permanently lose touch.

I think this is a valid point. I have four children and am from a family of four children. My own siblings aren’t super close and there is a rocky relationship with one. What I’m basically saying is it isn’t idyllic. Having lost my dad to Dementia and now supporting my mum through the same I am immensely grateful for my siblings. Despite our ups and downs there is a bond between family that is different: nobody else knows you through every stage of life and supports you in times of family difficulty. On the other hand I wouldn’t have a child just to keep another company. Only because I wanted another child. 1 child families are far more common and I imagine that they may create bonds together from this current generation to support each other when they need too. It looks like I will have lost both parents by forty five and that put a different spin on having siblings. I think it might be different if you had very close cousins or something tho

in my child’s class (they are in P1), only children are the majority 🤷‍♀️

There is no selfless reason to have children though. So whether the motivation is so your one child has a sibling or you as a parent have more than one child to love it always self serving.

Talking about when you are making a conscious choice.

It really depends. Some people absolutely loved being an only child and some didn't. I was an only child and made sure to have as many children as I was able to but there were other dynamics at play, like i wasn't popular at school, got excluded a lot and had no relationship with mu cousins or anyone near where I lived. It might have been different if circumstances were different.

I relate to so much of this.

And this!

I have 2 toddlers very close in age and what I have noticed when we're out at the park, soft play etc. they play together and then other children always seem to want to join them but they prefer playing together. So far, every time I've spoken to the parents of these children, they're an only child

My DH is an only child and he says he wasn’t lonely but he always wanted us to have more than one child and he is very involved in my family, which is a big family and he says he loves having a big family to be part of. We have had a lot of very difficult times in my family recently and lost a sibling and having my other siblings to support me and to support each other kept me going. Similarly when DF was very ill, I don’t know how we would’ve coped if we didn’t all pull together and help out.

In a nutshell, it’s something I think I’ve often taken for granted and obviously there are times when you don’t all get along in one big happy family and we’re all very different and have our own lives but when push comes to shove, I am so grateful to have siblings.

You should really encourage them to be inclusive. Its an important, social lesson.

Both my parents are only children. So I have no biological aunts, uncles or cousins. I have 6 brother and sisters. I have 1 DD. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, my DD has lots
of cousins and is very close to them. Between me and my siblings there are 3 only children.

My DD, she’s an adult now, likes being an only child and always has. She has 2 children, 7 years apart. The eldest, my DGD, 13, tells me that children in her school talk about only child syndrome!

We often have family discussions about this. My DD and I don’t think it makes a difference, but I was very proactive bringing her up and took her to lots of activities and she and I did and still do so much together. So there is that, my attention was never divided. But it think that good parenting is not compromised by how many children you have.

I think it’s to simplistic to say or assume that only children are lonely or spoiled.