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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving lifts after work

229 replies

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 10:50

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 23/04/2025 10:52

I think you are more than reasonable to only do it Fridays. That in and of itself is doing her a favour.

bigboykitty · 23/04/2025 11:02

Nothing would make me extend my drive home on Friday. Colleague is very presumptuous. Let me guess, she's also not contributing to fuel costs. I would tell her you can't offer any more lifts. Maybe do it when you're having some time off anyway and give her time to make other plans. I would just say that giving lifts isn't working for you.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 23/04/2025 11:03

Just tell her you can no longer do it as it doesn't work for you which is absolutely fine to do.

You actually sound intimidated by her saying you can tell you get on her nerves, rather than she gets on yours.

It's time she made her own way home

Topjoe19 · 23/04/2025 11:04

Definitely put a stop to it. It's not your problem how she gets to/from work.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 23/04/2025 11:04

I would be taking the opportunity to stop the lifts altogether.

Newtrix · 23/04/2025 11:06

Just tell her no more lifts, I wouldn't even give a reason. If she pushes just repeat no and that it doesn't work for you.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 23/04/2025 11:07

YANBU.
Bite the bullet and message her saying that you can't offer any more lifts as you have other commitments. You don't need to embellish on that.

Daringdarlingholly · 23/04/2025 11:07

Personally I wouldn't even do it once a week if it added that much time to my journey home. For a friend yes, but not a colleague it sounds like you don't even like.

TeeBee · 23/04/2025 11:10

Sorry XX, I won't be able to give lifts home in the future as I have a personal commitment that I will need to attend to from now on. Hope you manage to find an alternative.

Just do yourself a favour and rip the plaster off.

ScaryM0nster · 23/04/2025 11:11

‘Hi,
just to give you a heads up - changing a few things up which means from next Monday I’ll need to be home promptly most nights so won’t be able to drop you off any more. Realise that this has drifted from being once a week to most evenings, so wanted to give you a bit of warning so can make other arrangements. ‘

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 11:12

If you don’t feel you can tell her straight, then invent a reason that applies every day eg elderly aunt needs looking after by the wider family and you’ll be going there after work every day for the foreseeable future. Text this to your colleague this week and tell her the lifts will end on Friday.

MoreChocPls · 23/04/2025 11:13

I wouldnt do it even once a week.

Is she paying petrol money?

GoldDuster · 23/04/2025 11:14

When you walk to your car and she's standing there with one hand on the door handle expectantly waiting to get in like a cheeky f@cker, say Oh hello Janet, I'm going straight home tonight, and won't be able to give you lifts going forward, things have changed for me. Do you want to get in and come as far as the bus stop this once?

She is not your responsibility, stop making her travel plans your issue.

arcticpandas · 23/04/2025 11:22

Like pp said: tell her you have a personal comittment after work EVERY DAY so you can't take her. I don't have a car and I take buses and walk all the time. I wouldn't dream of asking anyone for a lift and when someone offers I take it as a one time favour and thanks graciously. If someone offer to drive regularly I say no, I love to walk. It's partly true but I also don't want to be a burden on anyone especially since I'm young (45) and fit and perfectly capable to go by bus and walk. She's a CF and you have to be firm.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 23/04/2025 11:30

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 11:12

If you don’t feel you can tell her straight, then invent a reason that applies every day eg elderly aunt needs looking after by the wider family and you’ll be going there after work every day for the foreseeable future. Text this to your colleague this week and tell her the lifts will end on Friday.

Please don't encourage this nonsense of telling lies. It never works in these situations and they become endless

Misspotterer · 23/04/2025 11:34

I don't understand why people get theirselves into this situation. Are you a people pleaser with a need to be liked? Just stop. You don't need an excuse, I don't want to to is fine. She's not your responsibility.

Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 11:36

We sit and chat at lunchtime so we are quite friendly in general
its only recently it’s turned a bit sour
she offers no petrol money
English is not her first language so things get lost a bit in translation

OP posts:
WellINeverrr · 23/04/2025 11:40

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 23/04/2025 11:30

Please don't encourage this nonsense of telling lies. It never works in these situations and they become endless

Show quote history

But if the OP was able to be upfront then she wouldn't have started the thread looking for advice in the first place.

ohtowinthelottery · 23/04/2025 11:40

What does she do when you're off work? She can do that the rest of the time too!
I think you are being generous doing it once a week given that it is out of your way and adds 20-30 mins to your journey. No way would I be doing it every day. It is a total imposition on your time/life. Tell her it doesn't work for you and she'll have to make other arrangements.

RealEagle · 23/04/2025 11:41

Put a stop to it ,I give a lift home to one of my colleagues because I go pass her house on my way home,but I wouldn’t go out of my way I just want to get home.

MummaMummaMumma · 23/04/2025 11:41

Just say no.

RunningJo · 23/04/2025 11:42

Just say you can't do it anymore.
Once a week, when it adds on 20/30 minutes and no offer of petrol money is a bit rude tbh and I wouldn't have agreed to every week, but certainly not every day. No way I would want to be doing that.
Make up an excuse if you feel better, but you can just say it no longer works for you and she will have to make other arrangements. She has planned to go to this activity daily whilst knowing she has to rely on you, she's taking the piss.

DramaQueenlady · 23/04/2025 11:44

Just give her a few days notice say after this Friday, I won't be able to run you home, things have changed at home. Leave it at that, if she asks, just say, it's personal and I'd rather not discuss it at the moment. Don't get caught up in stories. It's really hard been there.

LlynTegid · 23/04/2025 11:46

Keep doing once a week on Friday, say no more.

Iloveacurry · 23/04/2025 11:46

She’s a CF. Everyday is ridiculous. It’s an extra 30 minutes. She offers no money. Just say no.