Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

Don't do any more at all after this Friday.
The atmosphere in the car will be stressful and you need to reduce stress.
Don't expect other people to uphold your interests .
That's for you to do.
I think you can do it.
It does get easier.
Keep us informed.
All the best.

Ah I missed your 'taking her to a charity ' post .
While that is very loadable for her to volunteer it's not your responsibility to facilitate that
Well done for texting her that you can only do Fridays ( tho tbh I think cutting all ties would be better )

I don’t drive but she is a cheeky cow! I’d be telling her no more lifts full stop, she is taking the piss

There might be a nice side hustle for you there, LadyChillT.

I think if you can force yourself to send her a message saying you will not be driving her anymore after this Friday (since you already said yes to that) you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders even as you wait to see if she hits you with an attitude or tries to poison coworkers against you.

You are not being selfish to decline this. It's a favor, it takes a lot of time and some money from you and it wrecks your personal schedule. Its upsetting you on many levels now, that's so unfair. She senses your kind nature and is taking advantage of you, she'll continue as long as you allow her to.

I had similar w/a coworker a few years ago except it was her needing me to do a time consuming favor on my own time, a hobby that people hear about and suddenly need me to please fix theirs as they'd rather not pay the going rate to a professional. I remember crying in my car realizing she had gotten me once and was asking again, for even more free work. What I finally mustered the nerve to say no I won't be doing that she was surprised but she stopped asking me after that too. It was awkward for about 1 day then I realized she'd been using me and I got mad and didn't care what she thought of me. (Hobby is sewing, she needed curtains hemmed, than slacks hemmed then who knows what she wanted before I shut that shit down. I wasn't even doing any personal sewing then, so doing it for her wasn't just taking a minute, it was difficult to access my sewing room at that time)

I hope you can get to that place too and not even worry what she or anyone thinks of you deciding how you spend your own time. 💖

If you ‘get on her nerves’ and you’re debating/ arguing and you’re exhausted then just stop, say it’s not working for you and leave it there. Repeat if necessary and then ignore.
bloody rude pisstaking woman!

Just say, sorry it's adding too much time to my commute especially on a Friday after a long week, I won't be able to do again after this Friday (and add kisses to soften the blow 🤣)

If she quizzes/wants to discuss just keep repeating. You don't need to go into any more depth.

30 minutes of your time and your petrol every day is absolutely taking the proverbial. Shes not even a proper friend, so you're not getting anything pleasurable out of this arrangement either, even the journeys arent enjoyable.
I wouldn't make up an elaborate excuse about being busy every single night though. That just gets complicated, I'd rather just say that I can only do fridays, and if she pushes it, just remind her that it was originally fridays only, but that now its drifted into every day, it's impacting on other commitments.

Or just tell her the truth, say you have a medical condition that causes fatigue and it's just too much for you at the end of the day. To be honest, I'd also be blaming the cost of living and hinting that I can't afford the petrol, but then I'd be afraid she'd offer to pay me the petrol money and then I'd still be stuck with her!
EDITED to add I was writing this when you posted your update about messaging her, so didn't see it. Well done for messaging her! x

Yes I thought that myself before Easter so avoided her / missed her messages etc as she was becoming a bit over familiar with me and I was getting drawn into having say why I was right and explain myself
i don’t spend time with people like that normally my home life is pretty chill so I’m not easily drawn into arguments but I have an awful manager and it was useful to be able to talk about it outside of work and she was very supportive

It really shouldn’t make it any less straightforward just because she’s going to volunteer at a charity you used to volunteer for- it’s completely irrelevant. Tell her no.

What the fuck would cunty colleague do if you are on leave or not at work?

She'd have to make her own way in, wouldnt she?

So simply tell her to fuck off an make her own way to and from work. Thats not your issue so dont succumb to helping her as it affects you.

Fuck her off.

Well done for messaging her to draw the line, OP. I think keeping the Fri in play this week is good as you'll see from how she responds how entitled she's feeling. If she's understanding and appreciative then she's realised that she can't be pissy or she'll lose the Friday lift too and you can keep the Friday going if you choose to, seeing as you used to get something out of it. But if she's pissy, then no more lifts at all and she might learn something. Though CFs rarely do.

Am with the consensus. It’s not working for you anymore and she’ll need to find another lift or use public transport.

If she pushes, just say that you were happy to give the occasional lift on a Friday when you thought it was temporary, but currently you are managing a few health issues and really need that end of day drive to be alone/stress free and to be able get home asap. It takes you out of your way, so it’s also costing you extra fuel as well as time, so you aren’t prepared to do it any more.

Perhaps you implied that you didn't mind the extra journey and enjoyed chatting with her during it? Which seems to be true, but only once a week, because the rest of the week you need that time for other things. Tell her straight OP, there's no shame in wanting to spend your evenings as you choose and you don't need to make excuses.

Exactly this
Your friend's expectations are unfair and unreasonable

She sounds quite entitled and pushy, expecting an ongoing daily ride that wasn't offered, and without even offering to pay her way, or bother being pleasant.

I wouldn't do it at all anymore, due to the pushy entitlement issue. Going by that, I could see her trying to push for more on an ongoing basis. I'd just get rid of her.

You could just tell her you're having some health issues and are barely managing as it is and the extra time has just gotten to be too much.

She sounds like the type who will then argue, so I'd just keep repeating, "No, sorry." Then "I've got to go." Good luck with it. Please let us know how it goes.

So sorry CF, this no longer works for me. She ACTUALLY waits by your car?? I mean blow that for a game of soldiers.

She sounds awful. Totally unappreciative. You have absolutely no obligation to give her lifts whatsoever.

I don't driv but if I did and I was expected to give a lift after work I don't think I would unless it was deffo on the way. I can imagine how tired you get. If I work in the morning 7-1 or 7-2 Then when I get home I sleep until around 7pm!

I am equally tired if I do an afternoon slot 1-8 or 2 to 8 but I have a number of health issues plus narcolepsy and don't sleep much at night - but during the day I keep nodding off (just as well I do not have a car as I would not be able to drive!).

Her charity work is optional and her choice. That shouldn't take priority over looking after your health! and she is argumentative and entitled and adding to your stress, that cannot be good for your health. I'm glad you've decided to put ab end to these favours.

I would just tell her you aren't doing it anymore as it's tiring and tou need to get back. Tell her no permanently. Don't offer Fridays. Just say it's too much.
You are givjng up your actual life, it's 5 x 20 minutes per week, x 46 working weeks a year.
That equals 3.19 24 hour days of your life per year spent giving her lifts.
Or equates to 9.58 x 8 hour working days.
You are effectively working 9.58 days per year for free giving her lifts.
Whats your daily pay? If its say 250 pounds a day, you are giving her around 2500 pounds a year of your time.

It doesn't need to be complicated. You will be going to the gym (or wherever) straight from work from now on.

She is not entitled to any kind of excuse. I have found that lying bites me in the bum. Much easier to just say I can't do it either with no reason or a truthful one.

There is no way I would be doing this. Not even once!! You are far too nice. Learn to say no.

Absolutely not. I bet she knew it would be every day when she first asked you.