Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

You are going out of your way for her everyday and you can tell you get on her nerves? She's a CF. Just tell her that from next week you won't be able to give her a lift. If she asks why just tell her it's personal and not something you want to discuss.

You’re being taken advantage of. Just put yourself first and say it’s no longer possible! People will always find a way to take the piss, life is too short to put up with their nonsense.

I was ready to say you aren’t being unreasonable when I thought you were only doing it Fridays! I would maybe compromise and drop them at the bus stop

STOP

This is madness.

If she wants to do charity work and it requires transport, she needs to get her own transport. If she can't drive, she needs to learn, if she can't buy a car, she needs to work out a way how she can etc etc.

You're not a taxi service.

Love this

I find it’s easier to be direct speaking to someone who does not have English as their first language, as you can be quite bald:
’no, it’s too much.’
’no, I have shopping and my hobby.’
’no, I am seeing my friend.’
’no, I need to go straight home.’

YANBU. I'm a non-driver (visually impaired) and I'd never dream of asking/implying that someone drive me somewhere out of their way not once, but every day. It's entitled AF. Fair enough when you were doing it on Fridays if it was no big deal. But every day, adding that much time onto your journey, would always be a huge favour not something to be expected - and as you have good reason for needing to get home without the extra travel time it's really not OK. Just tell her you don't have time to do it any more.

"as I wasn’t sure if ...... I was being selfish"

Please listen to your own body and feelings and decide what works for you. This isnt 'selfish' - its selfcare as well as being honest to yourself and others. If you do things under obligation the only think that happens is resentment and contempt fester and the friendship is doomed. Be true to yourself and you never have to JADE your experience / decisions to anyone inclusing yourself - no requirement to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Honestly I'd do Friday, then message at the weekend with, " I'm sorry I can't give any more lifts. I get so tired driving. Think it's my age!"

I like that phrase ‘setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm’, excellent analogy

Yes, useful in so many MN scenarios!

I have read through all your comments and appreciate it so much literally every single reply says to stop giving her a lift every day

her reply was OK that’s fine

so I will see how it goes this Friday and take it from there

Have you asked her for petrol money? You need to do that too, half an hours worth of petrol isn’t cheap. She is a massive cheeky fucker and she is using you. You’ve taken the first step, tell her she needs to start paying a few quid towards costs.

I didn’t realise the lifts would be long term I’ve got things coming up so you’ll have to make alternative arrangements form X date.

Don't give any reasons other than 'it's personal and you don't want to talk about it" so she has nothing concrete to argue back with. If you explain why you can't give lifts every day she'll have some sort of comeback and it just turns into her telling you why you are wrong.

Also, stop talking to her about your manager. If she gets unpleasant about you withdrawing the lifts she could use that against you and make work difficult. No matter how friendly I am at work I am quite careful who I moan to and what I say as I've seen it go wrong with others.

Well done. And remember, it’s OK to tell her that it just doesn’t work at all for you any more, and you can no longer do Fridays either.

so I will see how it goes this Friday and take it from there

Oh she will be "delightful" as she will be wanting her lift....and if you agree to continue she will be back to her real self in no time and you will have to tackle this twice. You said she is not the sort of person you surround yorself with - protect you peace - make it final on Friday - well done for seeking support and then taking action. See these types of interactions as a opportunities for you to practice self growth!

As other have said Fri are the worst days to do this -

Well done!
Arguing with you while she is in your car and you are doing her a favour…..cheeky, unmannerly, ungrateful witch

Well done for messaging her op.

Her reply just shows what a using, cheeky fucker she really is.

She should have said 'no problem and thanks for all the free lifts you have given me'.

People like her drive me mad.

Be strong with this lift thief @ChubbyForensics we are all cheering you on, dont let us down😁

You've done the right thing, OP. You're doing her a favour as it is, and she sounds quite presumptuous/entitled. I'm in my 50s and sleep-deprived too, naps can be crucial to keeping going. Hope things get easier soon.

How was she getting home beforehand? Defo cheeky. I also think the reply of “it’s fine” to Fridays only makes it sound like she’s being helpful rather than appreciative

Maybe she doesn;t actually want the lift, but feels that you expect her to want it (if you see what I mean). She did not seem that bothered when you said you would not be doing it any more!

Absolutely resolve to make Friday the last time. Driving an extra 30mins is crazy! Especially with no petrol paid for.

Quite honestly I think you are being taken advantage of. What country does she come from where this is seen as OK to do to someone else?

As a PP says. You need to be crystal clear what you are saying so there is no misunderstanding as to what is going to happen going forward.