Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

This is good

This.

Can you say to her (and her understand due to the language issues) I have been diagnosed as suffering from fatigue and before you asked me to do this I was able to recover by having rest from 5-6.30 enough to keep going. I cannot keep giving you lifts because it is stopping me recovering and making me ill.
If you say that to her and she still pushes for lifts then she is an absolute CF and no friend.

You're somehow feeling held to ransom and responsible for driving 30 minutes out of your way when you don't want to do it. You need to try to work out what you are afraid of happening if you say no can do. She might not be your friend? That's fine, because she's not your friend now. This is not a friendship, it's a convenience for her, and you are allowed to draw and end to it.

You are going out of your way to do her a favour and worried you are getting on her nerves? Fuck that tell her look we agreed a friday and now you seem to think every day is acceptable so from now on you will have to find another way to get there as I am no longer in a position to do this for you. Give her no other explanations or reasons the cheeky mare.

Stop chauffeuring her.

"I'm not able to drive you anymore."

If she asks why, "It's personal."

It’s not always easy but jusy tell her no. Say you’re really noticing how the extra half hour travel is really eating into your evenings and you don’t have enough time to get jobs done and relax. Say you’re happy to still do it Friday, but no other day. And don’t worry that she has to get two buses, that’s her problem not yours.

What did she do before you offered her lifts?

Good grief, please tell her no, I know she won't like it but this is far too much for you to be doing.

Pretty sure she'd understand "piss off you cheeky git!"

Choices...

Let her treat you like a doormat.
OR
Say something - either one of the ideas on here, a vague personal commitment or the truth.

These CF are very thick skinned. They aren't sensitive people. She's never going to say "if it's ok"? You will have to be as direct as her.

I think you’re real question is why the hell are you doing this in the first place

hell no

If it added a few minutes to the journey perhaps I’d do it once a week. But half an hour, not a chance. That’s precious time after work! I’d be telling her I could no longer do it at all. You don’t need to give a reason but you can make up commitments if you feel you can’t just say no more.

This!

Absolutely not, no and no again. I'm in my 60's and say no to any bullshit like this. Why doesn't she drive. Don't make an excuse just tell her you can't do it any more and that she'll have to ask someone else.
If someone tried debating things with me after work when I'm tired they would find themselves on the side of the road and walking home.
As is said on mumsnet no is a full sentence. Time to start toughening up.

As a one off, yes I've done it but every night. Not a chance.

I'd text.

Just to make you aware, as of Monday I will no longer be able to drive you home after work.

No reason and no sorry.

She needs to make other plans as she's a CF!

If someone says why to my no, I just reply, because I don't want to and it isnt convenient for me. That shuts them up. Do it, you will feel great.

OP, she's clearly taking advantage of you, and English not being her first language is certainly not an excuse for one evening a week becoming every evening and never an offer of petrol money.
She's fully aware of what she's doing, and a favour has now become an expectation.
Send the text, you don't need to elaborate on why, but please don't let her continue to walk all over you.

I’ve found that a combination of my love of Slipknot played very loudly and driving my car like a go-kart means very few people ask for a lift more than once.

Things never managed to get lost in translation when it changed into getting a lift everyday to wherever she is going. It should be easy enough to say that you will only be giving a lift on Fridays, going forward.

No way would I be driving 20 mins out of my way everyday!!!

That’s massive and so presumptuous

I had mentioned that it was adding extra time onto my journey before Easter so expected things to fizzle out
she now has to go every evening due to it being charity work that volunteers have pulled out of so not for selfish reasons
I did help once with the charity so that’s what makes it less straightforward

This is not your problem. She needs to arrange her own transportation or God forbid, take two buses.

She's taking advantage and you're being a doormat.

That is of course fair enough OP. Are you able to see yourself continuing doing this, for however long? It would seem not to be the case, so it would be better to give her a little time to sort something else out.

Thanks for all your comments I needed to get some moral support before messaging her as I wasn’t sure if the extra time out of my way was not that much and I was being selfish