Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

Just tell her on Friday that she'll have to arrange something else from now on, then wave and drive away.
Block her SM if you can.
<hug> it's shit once you hit 50.
have a MN 🥂 and rid yourself of guilt - she can pay for a taxi!

Why do these CF never, ever offer a penny in petrol money?
These threads pop up regularly. The last poster was stuck with a woman vaping in her car twice a day, which was making her feel sick.
The other was a man who thought the OP must have fancied him and was asking very personal questions.

I wouldn't do it at all. Be blunt. It's the only way with people like this: This no longer works for me, you'll have to make you're own way there.

I’m in a similar situation, I’ve been doing someone a favour for a few months that has a big impact on me and my health, the person I’m helping has a similar health issue but not as severe (it’d be very outing to explain further) and I’ve been sympathetic but then realised I’m setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I have tried to explain to this person that I’m not happy with the situation but then I realised that they don’t care as long as they are getting what they want, they imply I’m selfish when I refuse but they are actually the selfish one for continuing to keep asking.

II realised if someone is happy to let you inconvenience yourself when they could manage without you then it’s just plain self centred. It’s ridiculous to be worrying about tiptoeing round someone and basically putting them before myself, if they cared about me then they would show more gratitude or find another way to solve their problem by themselves.

Why are you worrying about standing up to someone OP who is clearly not bothered about taking you for granted and just expecting a lift from you and can’t even be polite enough to hide the fact you irritate her?! If you weren’t offering her a lift would you spend any time out of work together?
Don’t you think you shouldn’t be worried about making someone’s life harder when they don’t worry about making yours harder?

It’s not fair you are exhausting yourself for someone who has made choices and decisions that don’t involve you, it’s not like it’s life or death.

Reading your OP and feeling indignant on your behalf made me realise it’s time for me to put myself first. Let’s be baddasses together!

Well done for messaging. Has she responded?

Please don’t let her railroad you. And you should absolutely stop the Fridays, too, if it’s too much.

The texting, waiting by your car, heavy conversation and multiple evenings all sound draining. She is a CF don’t feel about saying no to all lifts.

I wouldn’t do it ever

YANBU

I was in a situation in my 20s when I lived near to a colleague. She would watch the corridor and when she saw me walk past to go to my car would quickly pick up her things and just follow me to the car. That was annoying enough, and I didn't even have to drive out of my way, unlike the OP.

It's the assumption that is just so annoying I think. I wouldn't stand for it now I'm in my 50s and don't care if people like me or not!

I’d bite bullet and stop completely. Just pick a date and say you aren’t going to be giving a lift anymore after early May bank holiday. Don’t get apologetic or drawn in whys and why nots.

‘From Monday I will no longer be able to give you a lift. Have you tried the Uber app?’

Please put yourself first!

I like that phrase ‘setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm’, excellent analogy

God no sack her off for the rudeness aside from anything else!

A lift is a once off favour.

What you are doing now is enabling a freeloader. Might be OK if it was on route but its not. Just Fridays is absolutely fine.

Don’t be misled into thinking her English isn’t good enough for her to understand your clear message about not doing it anymore. Her English is good enough (and her manners bad enough) to argue with you in your own car while you are literally going out of your way to help her.

You are doing much more than needed already. She is not entitled to your vehicle whatsoever!
Remove access to yourself and your vehicle entirely. What a brat she is being!!!

I had a colleague like this. It started out as an occasional favour and ended up feeling like a daily obligation. On the final occasion I gave her a lift, I was de-icing the windscreen and she started complaining she was going to be late home because of it! I told her that I wouldn't drive until the windscreen was clear of ice because that would be both illegal and dangerous (she didn't have a driving licence.) She never offered to pay petrol money either. After that I told her I wouldn't be giving lifts in future. Some people are just plain cheeky.

I would just tell her you can't give her lifts any more as you need to get straight home. You don't need to offer any other explanation and her having to travel on the buses is not your problem. If she gets the huff, let her. Be polite and friendly as usual.

There is no way I'd add 20-30 minutes on to my commute twice a week, and there's no way I'd ask someone else to do that either. I would tell the person that you can't do this any longer.

2 1/2 hours a week out of your downtime, for anyone at all who is not in the category "nearest and dearest"? Nah.

Sorry. I've just realised it's every day. Absolutely no way would I do this. If you want to compromise drop her in a convenient place en route and let them make their own way the rest of the way. But I wouldn't do that either to be honest, especially if they're arsey with you.

I would of told cf where to go a long time ago.. No way I'd be giving up my Friday evenings!
She's a chancer and showing her true colours with the recent attitude change I reckon.
Just say you can't do it anymore with recent health issues and leave it at that. If she's pushing just repeat the above.

I agree with this. Gives her a chance to be reasonable.

TBH given the drive isn’t relaxing with the arguments I wouldn’t bother doing Fridays either.
Your commute is long enough on little sleep without adding extra time and stress.

Just tell her you can’t do it. Tell her you need to get home to rest.

That’s it, why compromise by doing Fridays. ( of course if she stumps up for the full commutes petrol I might be tempted 😁 )

You've done the right thing in sending her that message. You have to stand up to these cheeky types or they just take advantage.
I had a similar problem where I was asked by a woman at work to drop her off on my way home. It meant taking a different, busier way home but I did it a couple of times just to be helpful.
I stopped it when her husband (who normally came for her) was waiting outside work one night and said to me "I'm busy next week so can you make sure you get Christine home every night?"
I thought CF!! and said Sorry, it's not on my way any more.
I think she got the bus! Nothing more was said anyway.

Also..
"we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday."

I'm sorry, you get on HER nerves? This person has a bare faced cheek. You are giving her daily lifts whilst she waits by your car texting to hurry up, argues with you all the way home and then makes you feel like YOU are the annoying one?

Get rid as soon as possible. This person will only get worse and worse. She treats you with great disrespect and thinks your generosity is weak and that she can easily manipulate you.

You have a classic Thin End of the Wedge CF.
They operate on the principle that;
you've agreed to give them a lift on a Friday.
~So there's no reason why it can't be every Friday
~If you can do Friday -
~There's no reason why you can't do Monday to Friday.

You've agreed to one thing, they then make it harder to say no to the next thing as it's only a little bit more than you first agreed to and therefore (in their mind) is no extra trouble. She's probably saying things like "you are driving in my direction anyway (so taking me is no extra trouble for you. Therefore if you don't do it you are a horrible person) "

Giving them reasons why you can't do it just encourages people like this to find "solutions".. Looking after aged relative
"Oh well.. it's only an extra 30 minutes for you, surely aged relative can wait an extra 30 minutes since you are doing her such a big favour."
Going shopping after work
"Great idea. I'll come too then you can drop me home with my shopping"
and so on.
The only way to be rid of this pestilence is to be straight. "I'm sorry. This is far more than I agreed to and I don't want to do it any more."
"But its for charity."
"Yes and I have helped out now for x months, but I just don't want to do it anymore. I will help them another way."

DO NOT allow yourself to feel guilty or worry about how she will manage. She's counting on that.

Whatever way you get out of this.. don't expect her to be in the least bit grateful for all the lifts you've already given her.

She will be furious. She may treat you with contempt.. but actually what's the difference, she's already doing that isn't she? Her transport issues are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Just seen your update that you've messaged her.. sounds strong... best of luck OP.

OP you sound like a kind person but your colleague is taking advantage of you. I agree with PPs that you don’t give her any lifts home at all going forwards. If she has a regular commitment on a Friday then she needs to organise her own regular transport to get there.
You get yourself home straight after work, get rested and take care of yourself. You’re commuting 1.5hrs day plus a full day of work - you don’t need an extra 2.5hrs commuting/ week on top of that!