Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

It is not a question of being selfish, more that the toll it is taking on you, and your health, which should not be ignored. By all means continue with the Fridays, if you are able to.

It is still "not your problem".

I would stop doing it every day also. If she’s waiting by your car, just say you’re not going her direction. Be firm. I agree with above poster and be evasive and simply say it doesn’t work for you. No explanation needed. Keep repeating yourself if you have to.

Her journey home us not your responsibility and 20-30 minutes every day a lot! If other people say you’re not being very helpful (it happens) then suggest they run her home.

I agree, still not your problem.

This is nice and succinct.

Stop giving her any lifts. She took the job knowing that she needed to get two buses to get to work. Does she offer you any petrol money?

You have said that you get on her nerves. She must make that obvious so she is rude as well as being a cheeky fucker.

I agree, tell her you can't give her lifts after this Friday.

I wouldn't give any reason - that just gives her the opportunity to find 'solutions'. Just say you have a personal commitment. And reiterate that it's no longer possible to give her lifts. Don't take her part of the way - that will drift into a bit further 'as we're on the way', then a bit further.

It's not selfish, it's perfectly sensible. And if it were, why shouldn't you be? You're not unreasonable to look after your own interests.

And don't accept any suggestion that she didn't understand/your message got lost in translation. If she tries that just say 'No. I cannot take you.' And a cheerful 'bye' as you get into your car and drive off if she's standing there.

She can't volunteer for something she can't get to. Her decision to take on extra volunteer hours isn't your problem.

Just text and get it over with. She is taking the piss. I'd tell her as of next week I have another commitment. End of. Hopefully she goes away quietly.

@ChubbyForensics the charity stuff is a red herring. It doesn’t make anything less straightforward, and it doesn’t make you responsible for her transport.

Just say “I can’t give you lifts anymore” without making up an excuse. When she asks why, you can say “it just doesn’t work for me” on repeat if you need to.

I liked a pp saying “because I don’t want to, and it’s not convenient for me” but I understand if that’s too direct for you.

I promise you, the first time you stop people pleasing/ being a doormat is hard. But you will not regret it.

Dont do the Friday. Stop all lifts. It doesn’t work for you. YOU should be your priority.

If she gives you shit about it or begs, just say it's a private situation and you don't want to talk about it. Usually shuts people up.

It doesn't matter where she's going or why. You're not going there, so there's no lift being given. She knows that it's adding extra time onto your journey, and she doesn't care.

She doesn't have to go every evening. She chooses to go, and must figure out how she is going to get there as part of that decision. If she can't get there, she can't go. Your worth as a human does not need to be based on how useful you are to others. Learn how to prioritise yourself, then you can genuinely offer help from a balanced place instead of being pulled from pillar to post feeling resentful for the rest of your life.

Just say you can't do it anymore as you have a daily call with an elderly relative. She doesn't sound like she appreciates or values you. Eff her lol

She managed to ask you about a lift on Friday and then subsequently, most days. I think her English is good enough for you to be straight with her, telling her that there will be no more lifts.

You're not being unreasonable and her travel plans are not your responsibility.

The thing with being a nice person,and trying to be kind and do someone a favour,is
Two things
One . they push for more
Two. they expect it .
Best thing is to say no from the start
Especially if your a person who finds keeping boundaries difficult

Does she know that you suffer from fatigue OP? If so, just remind her of it and let her know that the extra driving is really adding to the fatigue.
If she doesn't already know, it might be time to tell her about it.

And some one who is a taker
Which she is
and a CF for Pushing for more
Is not going to pick up on your hints ,that it's taking you out of your way
Well
She probably does pick up on them ,but she thinks your a pushover and she can manipulate you to continue .
You need to stop all lifts , because even if you say you can still do Friday,she's expecting more ,will push for more ,and be pissed off for just having a lift Friday ,not in the slightest greatful

This type of person won't care about that

I would nearly be willing to fly to your city just to sit in and tell this dickhead to fuck off. if you would like you can give her my mobile number and I'll explain the situation. DM if interested.

just give a short answer every evening why you won't be driving her anywhere. no discussion. be very astonished if she expects anything.

I have sent the message saying ok for Friday only this week and I’ll see how I feel at the end of the week whether to continue with Fridays

I definitely needed to talk it through as I’m certain i don’t want to do it every day for the foreseeable future

I don’t expect to have any discussion about it with her as my message was blunt and to the point but will update if I do

She argues with you and youre giving her a lift? Fuck that! What a rude CF she is! I would say " Sorry Janet cant give you lifts any more .Need to be somewhere Im afraid .Dont elaborate .Why does she think people have cars? they like convenience ! She will have to go home on the bus like everyone else

Honestly text and say after this Friday you won’t be able to do any more lifts (don’t give a reason) and then don’t think about it again.

I'd like to be your copilot 😜

@ChubbyForensics as pp have said she is taking advantage of you and your easy-going nature.
Is that because she only needed a lift on Fridays originally that you are not taking her home but to another activity? But now she has upped her frequency to the activity because you will take her ? 5* cfer if that's the case.
If you are taking her home , how did she get to work for 5 days and home on 4 days ?

Either way it's definitely time to put a stop to it.
I wouldn't make it excuses as you will have to keep making up ill aunts , poorly nighbour, shopping , gym etc for a long time as she is thick skined enough to keep pestering you.
I wouldn't raise the fuel issue either because if she offers to pay it will be harder to say no , and you can bet that after a while she will keep 'forgetting' to pay you, so not only are you stuck giving her a lift but you also have to beg for the £s
BUGGER THAT !

Honestly text and say after this Friday you won’t be able to do any more lifts (don’t give a reason) and then don’t think about it again.