Giving lifts after work

[ChubbyForensics]

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

I have long term chronic fatigue and I can’t emphasise enough that management is the key. If you find a 45 minute nap after getting home works stick with that. Some people find a routine similar to yours works, almost like it re-programmes your brain so if it does do not disrupt it for anyone.
And x gives me a lift = I offer towards petrol doesnt get lost in any translation, it translates as taking advantage.

Put a stop to Fridays as well. She's an ungrateful CF who you shouldn't spend any of your precious time on. I'm like you; I like to be able to help out but only if the person 1. Really needs it 2. Is a good person and not a CF. She doesn't qualify on those criterias so tell her you got family obligations and won't be able to help her out anymore.

Morning @ChubbyForensics

I really think you need a clean break. All you are doing by doing friday is leaving the door ajar and based on her history she will use that opening to push for more.

You have to pull the plug. No more rides. Period. Full stop. No. End of discussion.

And don't worry if you lose her as a friend-she was never your friend-she was using you.

Walk away!! (well drive away actually) and don't look back!!

Just say a big fat no or if you can’t do that discover an aging friend/relative who lives in the opposite direction that you must visit every day after work as she’s ill/got problems etc. Therefore you can’t possible give her a lift. It’s happened to me - 20 minutes out of my way, no offer of petrol money, not good company and the final straw didn’t even buy me a coffee when I was directly behind him in the queue…..this was after several free lifts. Fortunately I had a friend who lived in the opposite direction and needed me every evening. I’m afraid I wasn’t tough enough to say no to the CF.

Ps he soon found another mug.

If shes been drawn into helping out with charity work every night, she might also welcome the change as sometimes (and i also do charity work) you can feel put on and unappreciated. She might be thinking thank fuck that gives her an excuse to cut it down too! Well done op, stand your ground

@ChubbyForensics that adds up to 2.5 hours onto your week or around an extra 10 hours per month! Of what could be your free time! Not to mention the petrol cost and extra wear and tear on your car!

My husband was doing this when we had a newborn and toddlers. We had just bought a very nice new car and he ended up getting an into an accident taking her home. It ended up damaging our car and costing us a lot of money and inconvenience. I was very resentful as he didn’t need to be in the location he was in when the accident happened, he was only there doing the cheeky fucker a favour! Also, when the insurance representative came out to investigate, they had a lot of questions around the journey. They did settle the claim, but I was worried that our insurance wasn’t covered for business clause and might not cover ferrying a colleague around. That was an incredibly stressful time..

It is amazing how many CF lift blaggers there are out there. I had two of my own in my last job:

1. A colleague from the same office had a series of car problems and I was giving him lifts 40+ min each way for months, but he did stump up petrol money and he did make his way, by bus, to and from my street each day.
2. a colleague from a different site who would normally bicycle in started coming to our site once per week and it was too far to ride so I ended up picking him up, and he lived just close enough to the route that I felt obliged to detour to the end of his road. He never offered a penny, used to nap and one day in the office we were discussing how to do something and he replied to my comments with a tone of utter contempt about 30s later he remembered where he was and how he had been planning to get home and the colour ran out of his face it was fucking brilliant to watch

Do it tonight, then that's it. No more. I'm really angry on your behalf, bloody cheek of her!

Yes, practice a little script in your head as you drive her and then just as you drop her off for the very last time tonight, before she closes the door, tell her:
"Actually, I won't be able to give you a lift anymore."

Her, but XYZ! Can't you just... I have to.... Well, what about.... How will I... What about on Fridays???

"I can't give you any more lifts. Good luck with it all."

And drive off, and never look back.

I mean, that's easier said than done. CFs feel entitled to your time and car.

I gave a co worker a lift for years and it very difficult to stop. I started to resent them, I actually changed my back of work to avoid giving them a lift and truly missed the people I used to work with. I was miserable and had to eventually leave working for the company. The best thing is never start, unless you are literally passing there house.
I think to end the situation you need to be honest and explain your situation regarding your health. Any reasonable person would understand and if they don’t it’s their problem not yours. You have been amazing doing it in the past and you should be proud of yourself.

This struck me as well. You're very kindly giving her lifts every day, and while in the car, she is arguing with you to the extent that she is showing her annoyance... with your presence, in your own car, for which she is offering no petrol money. Cheeky cow.

You’ve reminded me she has mentioned how much money she can send back home to buy land. She’s able to save the expense of running a car (similar salary)

She's even saving the bus fare.

Hope it goes OK OP. Have you resolved whether you will keep doing Fridays or just stop altogether?

I wonder if because she is giving her time for free, she somehow feels justified in asking for help from you for free, like she has earned it somehow. But no matter. I'm also baffled by "she doesn't always get out straight away". Does she sit there chatting on while you are mentally going "get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out" like Mary from Ghosts?

I totally agree, I wish I had been stronger to say no

Doing it for years is quite a commitment sorry you ended up leaving your job to get out of it. It’s the sort of thing I would end up doing! I had a CF in my last job that I worked closely with. I moved to this job for a slightly higher salary but not going to lie, her CF behaviour was also part of the reason!

I gave a colleague a lift to work when he lived on the same road as me. It seemed mean to make him get the bus. He then moved and still expected lifts. The lifts home again increased as well.

When I got no thank you gift at Christmas, I started to say he needed to be waiting by x time and I'd often go early as I'd been missing school pick up and having to pay a childminder!

At the end of the Academic Year, with no thank you again, I decided that I'd not be able to offer from September and blamed the school run/change in my working hours. He caught the bus. He survived.

It's very easy for a small hassle free favour to become something inconvenient unfortunately. She needs to learn to drive or change jobs!

How was your colleague today? Grateful or nonchalant?

This is too much .. stop the lifts now anyone would find this draining youve helped enough.

Did not give her a lift in the end as she talked about her new routine for getting the bus / an Uber and how much it was.
i think I have given the impression of wanting to help in the past so have stopped doing that
comments were about how difficult it is to get volunteers and how they have got used to her being there at that time and how the bus is not always reliable
I did offer a lift on Friday but she made her own way.
it frees up my time to do a bit more in the evening and has made a difference already this week

without the wise words from mumsnetters I would have felt more responsible / felt bad for not doing it and ended up doing more than I was comfortable with.
Thanks for all your support.

Good outcome!

Fuck her.

You owe her nothing from now on.

If she asks for lifts again, ask her straight up for the hundreds of pounds in petrol money she owes you - and if she does pay, you should still tell her to fuck right off!

Problem solved. Who gives a shit about her guilt tripping comments? It's HER commitment, not yours. You are not friends, you are colleagues. Stay polite and neutral, do your job and go home in peace. Don't offer any lifts at all. If she starts banging on about anything related to lifts and the charity, nod along and don't engage. It's a good result!

Yes! PTA (punch the air)! Well done, OP.

I've seen these situations go on for years.