Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He no longer wants kids

467 replies

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 08:19

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:23

He has seriously dicked around here, hasn’t he? My response would be clear: I would be coming off contraception and telling him that I want a child. If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave.

What he is doing is the very antithesis of kind.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:24

It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year

so for the circa 11 months he said he wanted them?
and then circa 5 months became very apparently less keen?

you aren’t married, would you like to be?

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:25

Your first home together… so only recently moved in together? Or lived together for some time and just bought together?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/04/2025 08:25

Do you really want kids? No
offence OP you’ve left it pretty late on the word of this man, are you sure you actually want children?

LadyTwattington · 23/04/2025 08:25

I am sorry to read this. He has the luxury of being able to change his mind again in 5 or 10 years; you don't. If having children is a deal-breaker, then the deal is broken.

In your situation, at your age, I would split and go for single parenthood via donor sperm - but then I always knew very firmly that I definitely wanted children, and time is not on your side.

Cinai2 · 23/04/2025 08:26

Honestly, I would try counselling to see if you can get over the poor communication during these past weeks/months (from his side). I do think it's ok if someone changes their mind about children, although devastating for the other person, but he needs to take responsibility for not communicating this to you. The reason why I think you might try to salvage the relationship is that realistically you won't have children, even if you split. You're 41 and it will take some time to meet someone, then to be in a relationship long enough to try for a baby... Since the relationship is good otherwise, I'd see if you both can move past this first before splitting up.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:26

Op it would seem he has changed his mind quite a bit over the years on this issue and been far from committed to the idea

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2025 08:26

Do you want to be a mum? If so you know it’s never ever going to happen if you stay with him. At 41 you don’t have the luxury of time or messing around with counselling. You absolutely should feel betrayed, he’s repeatedly lied to you for years while your fertility has dwindled. Having said that, waiting till now after 8 years together for it to come to a head was very very risky. So maybe you’d rather be with him and no baby than being without him and having one. You’ve both made choices that have led you here.

TheHerboriste · 23/04/2025 08:27

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:23

He has seriously dicked around here, hasn’t he? My response would be clear: I would be coming off contraception and telling him that I want a child. If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave.

What he is doing is the very antithesis of kind.

No. Don’t produce a child with an unwilling father. That’s morally reprehensible and unfair to the new human being.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we wanted.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:27

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him.

he told you explicitly 2.5 years ago

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:28

I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this.

and? What was his response?

PicaK · 23/04/2025 08:29

In the gentlest way possible you have probably left it too late to have children. I would get some counselling. If you leave him you might have no partner and no birth children. Yes he's messed you about but you have also been in denial a little bit.

Neodymium · 23/04/2025 08:29

TheHerboriste · 23/04/2025 08:27

No. Don’t produce a child with an unwilling father. That’s morally reprehensible and unfair to the new human being.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we wanted.

Show quote history

Contraception doesn’t agree with her. I would stop taking it and tell him the ball is in court. He can wear a condom, abstain or leave up to him!

NuffSaidSam · 23/04/2025 08:30

Firstly, come off of the pill. You don't have to take all the responsibility for not getting pregnant and put up with all the negative side effects for years on end when he's the one who doesn't want kids. Let him take responsibility for staying child free.

I would get some counselling for yourself, not couples counselling. Focus on what you want and need at this point. Would you consider having a child by yourself? That'd probably the only likely scenario at this point.

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:31

TheHerboriste · 23/04/2025 08:27

No. Don’t produce a child with an unwilling father. That’s morally reprehensible and unfair to the new human being.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we wanted.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave. Nowhere did I write that she should trick him.

Whaleandsnail6 · 23/04/2025 08:32

Stop taking responsibility for contraception.

Tell him the pill does not agree with you and you are no longer willing to take it.

If you are having sex, he will need to use condoms

Then have a serious conversation with no anger or judgement...both of you put what you want across and if you feel that you cannot have a future without children, then you need to take steps to end the relationship. Even if that is currently staying in the house until it is in a state to sell. You will need to work out boundaries together if neither of you can move out at the moment

I know you said about not having children with anyone else, but if you stay with him, there is a risk you will resent and end up hating him.

Take some time for yourself to work and have some counselling to talk everything through

Blackdow · 23/04/2025 08:32

Why didn’t you do this 4 or 5 years ago? That was the time to sit down and say “now or it’s over.” You’ve left it so late, you probably won’t have children with or without him. I don’t know why you’re saying you wish he had told you earlier so you wouldn’t have bought the house with him but he told you years ago and you just didn’t listen.

You don’t have time to waste. Literally, every month counts now. If you want a child, go down the donor route, now. As in, call today and start that process. He doesn’t want one; he told you a long time ago and hasn’t changed his mind. So, tell him you’re doing it alone and that’s that. All you can do is try and hope you have a chance.

If you don’t, then you won’t have a child.

CleverButScatty · 23/04/2025 08:32

PicaK · 23/04/2025 08:29

In the gentlest way possible you have probably left it too late to have children. I would get some counselling. If you leave him you might have no partner and no birth children. Yes he's messed you about but you have also been in denial a little bit.

So what if she's single if they split. Miles better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.

Chiseltip · 23/04/2025 08:33

At 41 your chances of getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term are very low (despite what people say on here). It's likely already too late for you because if you split up, it will take a number of years for you to meet someone else and get into a position where kids are going to be up for discussion. By then it will be too late for you to get pregnant.

I'd give up on the baby, that ship has sailed.

Do you want to continue the relationship?

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:33

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:31

If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave. Nowhere did I write that she should trick him.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t want one
but loves the op

it’s on the op to make that call

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2025 08:36

So you either stay with him without kids, or split in order to have kids (bearing in mind that may not happen given your age, whether you meet someone etc). You are where you are, and age is not on your side now, so you really need to make a decision. He doesn’t want kids, so it’s your call whether to stay or go. Sorry op, it’s a tough one but only you really know about how much you want a child, versus want to be with this man.

Mmhmmn · 23/04/2025 08:36

You can leave him. You can leave him for this and you can leave him for anything. But certainly over this. Don’t over complicate it in your head. You’re not on the same page and he is not as kind and considerate as you let yourself believe. He wants your life to revolve around his and for you to suppress and ignore and let go of your own needs. It’s very common.

LongHoliday01 · 23/04/2025 08:37

You have been with him for eight years and now you are 41. Sorry but you should have tried for children years ago. I do think you should take responsibility for that - as in staying with him when he was unsure and not going ahead and having children earlier in your life.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/04/2025 08:37

For starters I would come off the pill as it doesn’t agree with you. If you continue to have sex with him he needs to be aware that contraception is 100% his responsibility.

I mean this kindly, but you probably should have thrashed this out some time ago as you have likely left this too late… was there a reason for this?

The fact that you might not have children is no reason to stay with him. He has been very unkind here and possibly never ever wanted them and strung you along until it was too late. Even if he has had a change of heart, he has still not been absolutely clear until now.

Difficult though it may be with the house renovation, I would not blame you for splitting up. He has treated you poorly and who wants to be with someone who can do that?

What was his response when you told him you wanted to separate?

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:37

I’m going to guess you’ve also been desperate to marry op

and he’s been similarly ambiguous about that too