He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

He has strung you along until it is too late for you to have a baby. He kept moving the goalposts. I'd definitely come off the pill if it is making you ill. He should take responsibility for contraception by using condoms or having a vasectomy.

He doesn't sound lovely at all and I would be making plans to leave. I also wouldn't be surprised if he then found a younger partner and had children with her. He doesn't sound kind or trustworthy.

I'm very sorry that you have lost your chance to be a mum. That's really awful of him.

You need to be realistic here. You have very possibly left it too late to have kids. Don’t be fooled by the celebs having kids in their late 40s and beyond. It’s almost impossible naturally. Your best option is to use a donor egg but if you do that in a couple, that requires significant commitment. From what you’ve said, there is no way he will buy into that. If you want kids, I’d leave him and go straight for fertility treatment or adoption. You have to make some brave decisions now if you want to be a Mum. Do you have trusted family or friends to support you? I’d lean on them and go for it.

Unfortunately you should have taken the reins here years ago. You've been together since you were 33, and this is only coming to a head now? If you want a child you must act now (and basically have one on your own) - it still may not be possible. It seems like it was glaringly obvious at least 2.5 years ago, but you just carried on? Do you definitely want kids?

This is untrue. Plenty of women in their forties have healthy pregnancies and babies. In fact more women in their 40’s are having babies than in their under twenties for the first time. I had my first baby at 40 & the midwives were totally unfazed and assured me it’s the new norm. Women have always had babies well into their forties however the difference being now that many women are waiting until their forties until having their FIRST baby. Forty is not the death knell for fertility that we are told it is & your comment was so unnecessarily cruel.

Yes, and someone might be able to correct me but if you do want to start trying in whatever way I'd feasible, I'm pretty sure yo should give it a few months off contraception to allow your hormones to stabilise so come off it now. Why on earth should contraception be your responsibility in these circumstances!

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged).

I'm sorry but it's rather odd that in 8 years together since you were 33, you've only really started t put pressure on him now to have a child.

The trying should have started at 35 or sooner.

The odds on you getting pregnant now are reduced anyway.

Are you not aware of declining fertility? It doesn't sound like it and you've let this drift.

You have 2 choices-

1 start trying today
2 leave him

In your shoes I would try to get pregnant as soon as possible via donor sperm.

Do not consider him as father material.

Get the half finished project on the market and sold or stay while it is finished and get it sold but you have to do what you want now.

As other posters have said, stop taking a medication that gives you bad side effects!

Ask a GP how long you need to wait from stopping the pill to having accurate fertility assessment results, then when that time has elapsed:-
Get a AMH blood test done on any day of your cycle.
Antral follicle scan (ultrasound to look at your ovaries) on day 2 of your cycle. 'Cherish' is the cheapest provider I have found.
"Female hormones" eg Oestradiol FSH etc blood test done on day 3.
When you have all your results talk to a doctor at a fertility clinic.
Remember you have options. If you try IVF and it doesn't work you can adopt an embryo. Don't let anyone convince you to not even try for a baby if it's something you need to do.

This is silly advice

41 is not too old to have a child. Wasn't Cherie Blair 45?

I've known several women who had their 1st at 41 and even older.

It may take a bit longer but she's 41 not 50!

I'm so sorry about this, OP. Even if the relationship could be repaired, I don't think I could ever get over this man taking away my opportunity to have children. He is allowed to change his mind, but it is still really cruel and devastating for you.

Either way you should come off the pill - there's no reason to torture yourself. I can't handle being on oral contraception so my husband and I used condoms for years until we wanted children then he had a vasectomy - contraception isn't only a woman's responsibility so that's already incredibly selfish of him to insist upon.

But if you want kids on the table the time is now - today - like right now. And that's likely to be single parenting by choice so looking into options now - today. I have plenty of friends who had children in their 40s but it wasn't always an easy road and you certainly can't leave it another month or two or 10.

You should not have a child with this man. He doesn't want that and he will walk. But I honestly think this selfishness has killed the relationship already - 8 YEARS of talking about it without committing plus refusing to take responsibility to contraception while the solution is making you unwell is enough already. You'll be happier single.

At your age odds on you would need IVF either way (if only to much increase your odds and mitigate risk of losses). Get on with it. Call Create/CARE etc today.

Sperm donor babies don’t come cheap, and at 41 now, the cheaper streamlined options aren’t available for you. Ring the clinics and find out about the funding options for you. UK sperm banks a bit lacking so also start browsing ESB and cryos. And look at their videos and guides.

Basically crack on with it now. I can promise you for all the worries and ‘can I do it alone’ moments, you really can. There’s nothing like a screaming baby/ speedy toddler / argumentative reception child to give you peaceful joy in the core of your soul.

OP, I really feel for you, but I think you need to take some responsibility for procrastinating and sticking your head in the sand about this, if you have always wanted a child and eight years of conversations have never led anywhere, and if, as you say, his responses have been a grunt, an ‘OK’ and a deer in headlights expression,

I say this not to be mean, because your pain leaps off the page, but to encourage you to act. If you want a child, you will have to do it alone and asap, rather than wasting even more time having couples counselling with someone who fundamentally doesn’t share your priorities. Don’t waste time blaming him. Take action yourself.

Surely having kids was something you should have done 5 years or so ago? You’ve left yourself no time.

Even if you walk away from this relationship there’s a good chance you’ll be too old to meet someone else and have a baby.

He’s been a dick but you should have pushed him on the baby question years ago not left it until you’re 41.

Def stop taking responsibility for contraception though, that’s on him now.

I would prefer be a mother and go it alone than stay in this relationship if I were you. Agree with others who have said you have left it late. There is still a chance at 41 but I would advise getting to a fertility clinic asap if you want to be a mum to discuss options.

If you at any point find yourself "putting pressure" on someone to have children, you shouldn't have children with them.

His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights.

It doesn't sound like he's ever really wanted them to be honest, you said you used to talk about children and you both wanted them in the beginning, but was that always hypothetical? Now you are pushing him in to a REAL decision regarding children he has given you his honest answer.

It sounds like he liked the thought of it but never the reality, you should have really hashed this out properly before committing to anything like buying a property together, I'm sorry OP, but even at last year it may have already been too late for you to naturally conceive.

Don't even think about having a child with someone who doesn't want one.

He has deliberately run your biological clock down and has now finally admitted what he knew all along, that he doesn't want kids, because he thinks it's now too late for you to leave him and have them with someone else.

He's a grade A shit.

I would make plans for sperm donation /IVF today. You dont have a moment to loose.
and I probably wouldn’t mention it to him till it’s successful he’s played you like a fiddle and kept you as an option. You can do the same.

No, but significantly better for the child to have both parents in their lives. In the OP's situation this would be the best possible outcome! Unfortunately doesn't sound like her partner will step up.

Whilst not as pessimistic as some of the posters, I do concur that you need to put your cards on the table, as complications getting and keeping a pregnancy, and indeed with the health of the baby, increase with the longer you wait.

I agree with the advice as above:

(1) Come of the pill and let your cycle restore and hormones sort themselves out. That may take some months. Tell him that you are doing that, and he can make the decision to use contraception and indeed whether to have sex at all.

(2) Get a fertility MOT.

(3) Make clear to him that you no longer have time to faff around, and children are a non-negotiable deal-breaker, and that if he is serious about not wanting them then that is it.

Good luck OP I really hope you get the baby you want ❤️❤️❤️

You have 100% been played, for years.
He has never wanted children and clearly strung you along.
8 years you wasted OP.
Unfortunately you have to take responsibility for actually believing him for so long.

I feel very sorry for you.
Your choices are limited to a doner I suppose.
Can you see yourself rearing a child alone?

His messing with you and his nastiness when the subject came up, should have been a huge red flag to you that he NEVER wanted children.

Oh and only a truly toxic man deliberately runs down a womans fertility.

He is toxic and clearly would be a shit father.

The chances of conceiving naturally in your early 40's are unfortunately 5% or less.

Your boyfriend wants to keep the options open to have a child as if he didn't he would have a vasectomy. It is likely not with you though. His actions aren't the actions of someone who cares about you, he's been lying and stringing you along.

As an aside why haven't you wanted to marry your boyfriend yet? Or is it him that is dicking around on that too?