He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

I think removing the relationship side of things for a moment you need to make an appointment to have a fertility check and actually get a factual outlook on if you can have children now regardless of whether that’s with him or not. You need to know where you stand and what you can possible walk away from/to.

Since you’ve had years of contraceptive repercussions I would come off the pill and be clear with him that you are and why.

Whether you can get over this as a couple is something you need to reckon with yourself, possibly with counselling, or maybe if it does turn out you can’t have a child that might bring too much resentment from your side to carry on the relationship. I do think he’s been very cruel and run the clock down, and I think you’ve probably buried your head a bit because you love him. I think finding out whether you stand in terms of whether a baby is still possible for you is where you start.

Honestly, you cannot argue with the science. Society may have moved on but biology has not and it’s really foolish to argue that it’s just easy to have a baby at 40 as it is at 18.

At 40+ you have only a 5% chance of conceiving each cycle, and of those that conceive that is roughly a 1 in 2 chance that pregnancy will end in a miscarriage. Those are facts. By the time a woman is 40 almost 60% of her eggs contain an abnormal number of chromosomes, which leads to higher chances of a baby with chromosomal abnormalities or miscarriage.

Not to mention that there are risks associated with being a pregnant mum over 40, both for mum & baby. Higher chance of developing gestational diabetes, more likely to have placental abruption, risk of high blood pressure, preeclampsia, all come with being 40+ and other things.

These are all facts, not something you can argue with. On average you are far more likely to have a healthy baby at 20 than at 40, and you are far more likely to be able to fall pregnant naturally at 20 than at 40.

I’ve found a lovely fertility clinic in Aarhus Denmark. IUI is half the cost than it is in the UK. If you decide a baby is a deal breaker then your only real option is to immediately start trying with a sperm donor. Are you prepared to be a single parent?

If you’re not then counselling might be a good thing and you can work on coming to terms with not having a child but it’s likely you will always resent him for not being upfront before time ran out for you to find someone new who wanted what you wanted.

sorry you’re going through this

I would say he’s been running the clock down. Whether it’s deliberate and calculating or almost accidental I couldn’t say but he should have been much blunter about it 6+ years ago rather than vaguely not sure until you are on the wrong side of 40. If having a child is something you want to pursue then, frankly, you are on your own and don’t have a moment to lose. I wouldn’t have a child with him - he doesn’t want one and you will end up co-parenting with someone who wishes the kid didn’t exist, but I would look into fertility treatment and donor conception. You need to be realistic about the chances of success but atm the window may still be slightly open.

I’m in agreement with this.

He’s completely taken the piss. Sorry to be blunt, but at 41 it is already far more difficult to conceive and from 42 onwards, egg quality is much diminished. If you want to have kids in this lifetime, you need to act fast.

I know you’ve got a lot on your mind already with your partner, and you’re already feeling overwhelmed, so this post isn’t with the intention of upsetting you, but rather to make sure you understand your position and your options.

I’m 41 and am currently banking embryos with IVF before trying to go ahead with any potential pregnancy, as I know after 42 things drop sharply (by no coincidence, 42 is also the age at which ivf entitlement on the NHS stops).

If you know you want kids, you need to explore your options, quickly. Many people go the solo route with IVF – you do have options. I would seek out support to work out quickly what you want to do. Best of luck.

This is spot on. It’s a matter of odds of getting pregnant naturally (and not losing it) at 41 are not good. Plenty get pregnant and have a baby but a whole load more don’t.

if you really want a baby at 41, it’s a matter of maximising odds by getting as many eggs out, getting to embryo stage and putting body in best position to grow a baby (so all the vitamins especially folate)

Agree, although at 41 I would not waste time with IUI – you could squander precious time this way when the odds with IUI compared with IVF are far poorer

My great gran had 6 kids in her 40s OP so don’t worry on the fertility front

The comment wasn’t cruel it was practical. You were very fortunate to get pregnant in your 40’s as the majority won’t be as lucky

This is highly unusual! OP should not be complacent assuming that she is an outlier, she should be acting with the most likely scenarios in mind and giving herself the best chance of getting the outcome she wants. She hasn’t got any time to waste

Would you really want to have a baby with someone you know is just appeasing you? I wouldn't want that for my child as it's bound to affect how involved or hands on he is as a parent. I'd split and then start the process of having a baby solo immediately. Time isn't on your side to wait until the house is done up / the split is over.

And this kind of lovely anecdote is why people delay. Fertility drops when people get older. For some it starts plummeting late 30s, and if people are lucky early 40s. Chance of splitting out 6 (unless big multiples) starring in early forties is so remote I’m surprised she wasn’t in a record book.

I 100% agree with you here - all I’m saying is keep optimistic

I'm so sorry OP. We read this time and time again on here - being strung along by someone who can change his mind at any time and have kids until he is 80+.

She had 2 x twins so technically 4 pregnancies

When you had to come off the coil 2.5 years ago, he suggested that you try for a baby, but by the time you'd had it removed 4 months later, he'd changed his mind. That was your red flag indicating, he didn't want a child. You didn't see that red flag, and went on to take the Pill. Honestly, I don't think your partner has been particularly bothered from the start, if he had children or not, but as time has gone on, he clearly has sided on the 'not wanting children'. You have blindly been following his lead, ignoring the excuses, the non-committment to the subject and not discussed it properly. Now, that the subject has been discussed, it turns out he's not interested. At 41, you have left having a child way too late, this is something you needed to do 5 years or so ago. Yes, it's possible for you to fall pregnant at 41, but your partner isn't on board with that idea. By the time you found someone else, and were in a position to try, you'd simply be too old. I'm so sorry OP, I know you must be devastated. I would suggest having some counselling for yourself, and possibly couples to see if your relationship is salvageable or if indeed you want it to be. If your partner felt like this, and has done for some time, he should have been completely honest with you, giving you the chance to find someone else.

I'm in a really similar situation to you and similarly have no idea what to do. I'm almost 41 and for the past few years partner has been saying that we will try for children (complicated by the fact that we would need to use donor sperm and possibly eggs due to my age and his indecisiveness over everything). After 3 years of doing all the research, getting tests, booking consultations, searching for donors, he decided he "wasn't ready" to go ahead – the day we had everything lined up, had signed initial contracts, and were about to pay for the treatment. That was a few months ago and I spiralled badly. I'm now trying to get myself in a better headspace and come to terms with the fact that I will never have children – largely because of his actions. It's painful. I don't know whether to leave or stay because if I leave I will have no partner, no home, and no children. If I stay I think I will resent him hugely. It's a shit situation that people don't understand unless they have been in a similar situation themselves (and a lot of the comments you get on your post will be from people who had the children they wanted when they wanted them and have no understanding of the devastation you are experiencing). I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

I am single parent I didn’t think I would be but we split when my daughter was a baby so I don’t know anything else. There have been some tough times but I love it being just the two of us. If you want a baby so badly I would do it alone.

Her dad has a wife and another daughter but my daughter prefers to be at home because it’s peaceful.

For me the relationship would be over regardless of whether I were able to have a child or not. The breakdown of trust and his inability to broach the subject openly, instead hoping that avoidance and time would make the problem go away by itself, would irrevocably break the relationship. Unless you can get past that, there's no point with the "well would I rather be childless and single or childless with a partner."

Yes, he was giving signals, and maybe you should have spotted them, but I think that's giving him a pass. It was his responsibility to communicate his wishes clearly and he didn't.

I think is really late to try to have children. Your eggs are probably not good quality any more, miscarriage, difficult pregnancies, birth issues, sen conditions are all the more common with age, I'm sorry, which can make the journey difficult and stressful. I wish that I had known this before I waited until I was 37 and had a long and difficult journey which required hospital treatments, cans, miscarriages etc. It was an extraordinary stressful on me and my partner, so you need to factor that in.

I think you need to take responsibility not getting on with it earlier, unless you have been delaying to please him in some way, or he has been messing around, changing his mind for a number of years.

Has he been stringing you along, purposefully concealing his desire not to have children, or has he just not prioritised it, a bit like you seem to have, and then changed his mind when you got serious about it?

Either way, you are probably going to have to get used to the fact you are probably not going to have a child and if so, is it better to do that with him, or without him? If it's without him, then don't wait around any longer. House prices are generally not going up, people do buy incomplete houses. You've got a good reason to leave, if you want to, then do it now.

I mean this very kindly, but if I were in your shoes I would be going alone with donor sperm. You are very likely to experience some difficulty in getting pregnant as it is with your age alone, regardless of any other medical issues you may experience along the way. Frankly the relationship is doomed after this betrayal in my eyes anyway.

I'd rather suffer the heartbreak of the relationship breakdown now, than suffer the heartbreak of infertility AND relationship breakdown.

So you will be in your 60s when your child is 20, and i wouldn't exactly call 60s old but what support will your child have as they grow when you get much older?

Oh sweetheart, he really has done a number on you.

I was in a sort of similar position to you in terms of age and relationship issues. I think you need to decide if this relationship or a chance of a family of your own is more important to you. Although personally, I'm not sure i could get over what your partner has done to you.

I agree that if you really want biological children, you need to start trying now and probably on your own.

I left my ex at 42 and knew the chances of success for me were slim to none (have gynae issues anyway). I decided to give myself a year of being single having been in that relationship for a very long time and was going to start the process of adopting on my own. Its totally doable - lots of people do it on their own. I unexpectedly met somebody in that year and we have decided to adopt together.

So to cut a long post short, adopting may be an possibility for you if you do have issues conceiving. You do have options if you want to be a mum x

Honestly try alone if you can’t possibly afford it. Best decision of my life!