He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

I'm going to throw out a different perspective here, I got together with a man at the age of 40 who said he didn't want kids. I'd somewhat come to terms with it given my age anyway, and didn't think it would be possible so this wasn't a big issue for me. We were using the apps as contraception, and last summer I fell pregnant, sadly miscarrying at 8 weeks. He was as sad as I was and having got to the point where it looked like it might happen, we're now properly trying- aged 41. I'm not saying your partner is the same- but it does sound like he perhaps hasn't given it much thought. In your shoes if I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be with him I'd start fertility testing (hertility is a good online service) to see what my chances were. A recent Times article indicated that chance of a live birth at 41 is 50/50 so it's far from hopeless. Good luck.

He told you he didn’t want children 2 years ago when you went on the pill. You should have ended things then. 41 is quite old to start trying to have a baby, with or without your partner.

Yep, my mother had me when she was 43. Anything is possible, she said. And so, at the age of 37 I finally decided it was time to try and it took five years of pain and stress and medical interventions and finally I got one at 42. It was an awful journey. Late 20s is ideal, it starts plummeting in your 30s. PP don't listen to stories of pregnancies and births in your 40s and think it can work for you, mostly it can't.

This.

I mean who possible it is for you to have a child depends on your gentics and health - so fertility MOT tells you where you are - but you really are at last chance saloon - so you need to be very clear and very focused accept no more delays from anyone and you still might have very few options left.

Frankly I'm surpised you not already massive resentful towards him.

Yes – although she should be able to get a full hormone panel including AMH, etc. from her GP, for free

Oh OP, he may have taken away your chance. That is so unbelievably cruel of him.

My friend had a baby easily at 43 habe birth 1 month ago.

OP what you may be experiencing is that surge of last chance hormones that women get as they reach the point where they can no longer conceive. It really intensifies the emotions. How you feel now may not be how you feel in a few years’ time.

Till now you seem to have been content to wait, which suggests that perhaps your desire for children wasn’t overwhelming. I wouldn’t overreact at this point, or do anything rash. Come off the contraception, tell him that’s what you’re doing, take your chances on getting pregnant but recognise that when this passes you might be happy as a childless couple.

Yes, I think this depends on your GP though- some insist that you've been trying for 6/12 months or have had 2/3 miscarriages. Definitely worth a shot though.

Your partner sounds horrible, I am sorry.

I don’t think there is a future with him and I think when you are free of him you will actually find he has been bringing you down, undermining and controlling you in more ways than you currently realise.

More importantly, the issue of fertility. Previous posters are correct that many women have children in their early-mid forties, and always have. However, previous posters are also correct that the chances of conception per cycle are much lower and many women do try and not succeed at that age.

You need to work out whether you want to try for a child on your own using a donor sperm and IVF. You will need to find out more about your individual fertility but the likelihood is that you are in with a chance, how big a chance per cycle can’t be estimated at this point but it is likely to be on the lower side. Most likely, though not definitely, you would need multiple cycles to maximize your chances.

My personal view would be if you can afford it, it’s worth it. It will be tough but you have to ask yourself if you have the resources, financial, physical and emotional, for a fight that you might lose, but might win.

I agree with others come off contraception immediately.

Whereabouts in the country are you OP? Someone may be able to recommend a local fertility clinic or specialist because the first step that is certainly worth taking is to go and discuss things with them. Do not delay, and you do not have to tell your partner obviously. If you do decide to go ahead with treatment, let no one, (no one fan nothing!) persuade you to kick that down the road.

He hasn't behaved well, he can change his mind later but it will be too late for you.
He should have been honest but possibly struggling with his MH has clouded the issue.
Yanbu to split, he has led you down the garden path.
You have probably supported him through his MH issues too.
So you may have given more support to him than vice versa.
Realistically, at 41, the chances of finding and commiting to a new partner and be ready and able to conceive are slim.
But that's almost a red herring, do you want to stay with DP given that he has really let you down.
Counselling may help you both.
If you split would you consider ivf with egg donation or adoption as a single mum?
Or do you love him enough to stay with him and accept DC are off the cards?
What did he say when you said you wanted to split over this?

As others have said, if you both had REALLY wanted children you would have done more to make this happen at least 5 years ago….sometimes we think we want something but then put barriers in the way subconsciously. Either way I’d come off the pill and use condoms, the pill is thought to sometimes change how women think about partners or even the type of people we are attracted to!

Yes it’s certainly not impossible – she shouldn’t give up before even investigating where her fertility is at. However, even when someone still has a good ovarian reserve, the big factor at this age is egg quality – most eggs will not produce a live birth, which means the chances of conceiving a healthy pregnancy in any given month are low. And of course you don’t have unlimited months to try. OP still has a small window of opportunity; if it’s something she wants, her best bet is to go straight to IVF.

Oh OP. There's no way I could spend the rest of my life with someone who knowingly prevented me having children knowing that was what I desperately wanted. It's unforgivable.

I'd get to the Dr asap for fertility check ups and look into donor sperm. I'd rather be a single mother than never have children.

And I think the relationship is over.

But that's 5% each month, not 5% in total. If you try for a year then it's more like 45%.

With kindness, your situation is very different from OP, your partner had given the green light and you have actually been doing everything you need to do to make it happen under the false belief that this is what your partner also wanted. It is utterly cruel for your partner to do this to you on the last possible day he could change his mind. After everything you've been through, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to leave, he has misled you in the worst way and kept it going long enough to trap you in a childless relationship with him. I'm so sorry that has happened to you.

OPs situation is a bit different, they've never had any firm plans to have children, all they've ever done was talk about them in the hypothetical sense, but they have never really progressed further than that and in the mean time they have both let life get in the way of their plans, and in fact for the last 18 months he has not wanted to engage in any discussions about it, and avoided it completely, if he wanted children he would have said, and I do think if children were actually a priority for OP she would have been TTC 4/5 years ago, not leaving it till 40, and 8 years together, to start seriously thinking about coming off contraception and forcing her partner to decide, it is unlikely that she would fall pregnant without intervention now, even if he did agree.

Although sometimes when the option is about to fall off the table you realise how important it really is to you! It’s easy to have a take it or leave it attitude when you’ve got time to play with

I had my daughter at 37 so I was younger but if I felt so strongly about it I would at least try. I love being a mother but only wanted one child.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me.

You're not and he's not. He can't be your everything if what you want most of all is for him to be the father of your child and he doesn't want that.

Don't waste any more years on him, before it's too late. I'd put money on him being one of those men who leaves then starts a family with the next woman he meets.

It is, but there’s also the fact that 60% of your eggs at 40+ have abnormal chromosomes, and the fact that at 40+ your chance of miscarriage is roughly 1 in 2.

You’ve a choice to make, him or children. As awful as it sounds it really is that simple. I know you’re not guaranteed to have children, but you’re 100% more likely to without him.

Not quite! 2 years and 2 months ago, cos of the four months between deciding to try, and removing the coil.

OP, I am very sorry this has happened. I am totally torn over the best course of action - stay with him with counselling, or leave and accept that even if you do find someone else, your chances of having a baby are diminishing with every year.

You have my sympathy, OP.

There are so many myths about the likelihood of getting pregnant naturally over 40. Of course it happens. But the perceived position is skewed by the many older women using donor eggs or other assisted fertility. The natural chance each month is under 5% at age 40. It’s even lower at 41. I worked in a fertility clinic for over a decade.

He's stolen your chance of having a baby. How unfair of him.

@Maray1967 hope you don't mind me hijacking your post. OP those are exactly my thoughts so I'd have no more to add