He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

It would be a deal breaker for me. Being a parent was far more important to me than staying with someone who didn't want them.
You say he used to want them though - was he lying then or is there a reason he doesn't feel he wants to become a parent right now? Regardless, it's now or never.

Because she’ll be the one ending up being a single mum when he runs off after baby is born. Simples. Never said it’s fair but let’s be realistic.

If there is a chance you do want a baby with him or via treatment I would come off the pill in now. I came off the pill over a year ago and my cycle has still not resumed. So if you want to vid yourself the best chance come off the pill and use alternative contraception that wont affect your body.

I’m another one who is confused as to why it’s been left this late?

Most couples who have been together for 9 years have married (if they wanted to) and started a family, possibly having even more than child, even if they meet their partner at a much younger age than 32/33 (as was your case).

When he told you two years ago that he wasn’t sure about having children, when you were 39 years old, that’s when it should have been ultimatum time, or the time that you left.

You’ve now let this drag on for another two years and your chance of having a successful pregnancy in a committed relationship with someone who wants the same thing has probably passed you by now.

I’m sorry to say it but I think you need to accept that the life you had wanted is not the one you are going to get.

So the question is whether you continue staying with a man that you love and accept that children are very unlikely to be part of your future, or leave him and try fertility treatment with a sperm donor.

It will be a hard choice to make but it’s one you need to make soon.

Oh sorry, I read that as he told her he wanted to stop trying at that time, with it being implied they'd try later, not that he didn't want a baby at all.
But even then... 2.5 years ago, they had been together for 5.5 years, OP was already 38/39, if we wind back a bit further, if they had been together 3 years when OP was already 37/38 surely OP would have been aware that they were already cutting it fine? That's what I mean, how has this not blown up sooner.

Which is no different to being a single mum if she decides to use a sperm donor?

What?!?! This is an absolutely insane idea. This is a child!!! Not a goldfish or a hamster!!! So

Please don't do this OP.

Maybe she'd prefer that to no baby at all?

1. He doesnt want kids.
2. Agreeing to try to placate you isnt enthusiastic consent and it is not best for the child.
3. Don't pretend to yourself that he hasn't willingly lied to you to keep you and time you out.
4. You almost certainly have been timed out and need to plan on that basis. I'm so sorry.
5. You can choose a man that did this to you amd make the best of it or you cam start over.

I know its tempting to stay and try for a baby as a last shot but he won't be a good dad as he doesnt want children and the first rule of being a parent is putting your child first. I don't envy your position at all.

There isn't a single man in the world giving up the chance to have a child for.

I spent two years with someone, got engaged, then it became clear he didn't want marriage and kids. The next man I asked on the first date if he wanted them as I wasn't wasting any more time. I would have walked away if he'd said no or at the first sniff of a change of mind.

A neighbour found at after marriage, at late twenties, her new husband didn't want kids. They are mid sixties now. She's still sad. He regrets it.

Use your brain. Listen to your ovaries. But do not have a child with this man. It is unacceptable to go in to it with a reluctant father. Don't bank on him sticking around. It's selfish to do that.

That’s exactly what my partner’s ex thought would happen that she’d get the baby and he’d go away and leave her to it
Hasn’t worked out like that and now she has to give her baby to somebody else 50% of the time. Not exactly what she had planned.

I think so too. OP, you say he suggested 2.5 years ago to start trying for a baby after having your coil removed but then changed his mind a few months later. This change of heart isn't a recent thing.

People are entitled to change their minds about something as big as having a baby but I think these things should have been discussed much sooner given your age, you should have sat down and had a proper conversation about this years ago and then come to a decision on if you wanted to continue the relationship or not, I think you either have to stay with him and accept a baby wont happen, leave him and hope you find someone in time to have a baby with (unlikely) or go it alone with a sperm donor which you would have to be pretty quick about also, I would also advise getting your fertility checked at this stage to find out if having a baby is even possible for you

Well said.

He being scapegoated but OP had agency all this time. She’s not a victim.

A friend of mine nearly 40 at time booked appt at IVF clinic to go it alone, told him he had 3 months til her treatment started and he had to make a decision.
in her case, he realised he wanted her with a baby more than not her at all. Pregnant, married and second on way.

In your case, I would just get down the clinic whether or not he will be the father - 41 is getting optimistic regardless and every month things move on. Miscarriages more likely. Get the eggs/embryos in freezer now and give yourself a chance.

if you don’t try and he’s effectively tricked you into losing your chance, you will never forgive and at some point it’s going to fold. Sadly, he’ll probably move on and have kids with someone else eventually.

be kind to yourself

Honestly if it was deal breaker for me, I’d be moved out by tomorrow and off to the sperm bank and do it alone. You have zero time to waste now and he’s mucked you around quite cruelly.

I’d rather be single than with someone who had stolen my chance of having children from me.

You need to decide if you want a baby more than you want this man. He's entitled to change his mind about having kids but it's not okay to him to future fake and waste your time so you don't have the opportunity to try. Only he will know if he never wanted kids and was letting your biological clock run out or not.

Anyhow, if I was you I'd start by having a fertility MOT and seeing your egg reserve levels and where your hormones are at. Egg quality starts to decrease at 35 but its not impossible to get pregnant. My 1st took a lot of intervention but my second was a happy surprise at 42. You don't have time to fuck. Make a decision and stick to it. I think waiting to find someone at this stage is a bad idea so I'd consider sperms donation.

He has been terrible at communicating OP but it also sounds like you have been in denial. Surely when he didn't want to start trying after you had the coil out, given that you were already 38/39 at that point, it was a strong message that he wasn't on board with the idea?

Anyway, that's in the past now. I think you should definitely go to counselling to talk through your feelings about staying together and remaining childless or trying to have a baby on your own.

Ignore the tellings off and guilt-tripping on here, life isn't always as simple and clear cut when you're living it.

I really really feel for you OP. If I was in your shoes, (if able with work and finance) I'd go have a load of fertility tests to see where I'm at. With those results, I'd then take myself off for a week to a beach or somewhere with fresh air and get some distance from my partner. Give myself space and time to really consider what I want and my options. Give yourself some time to mull and think without the distractions.

I'd try my best the end of the week to come to a conclusion and put plans in place whether that is stay and work through the bad feeling with partner and accept no children, or leave partner and go for it (possibly alone). During that week, I'd try my best to park all the horrible pain in feeling right now, and focus on five years' time....where do I want to be and how do I get there?

I would also try to determine whether partner doesn't want kids full stop, or if he's doubting the relationship. I'd try to ascertain that also...is it kids or commitment to you he's scared of?

Are you sure you really want a baby? I ask because it could be that subconsciously you are running the clock down

He can have children up until the day he dies,unfortunately you cannot,time already is not on your side,if you choose him,there is nothing stopping him in 5 years time suddenly deciding he now wants children,leaving you to have one,if he really doesn’t want them make him get the snip!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, he's messed you around so badly.

I'm a single mum by choice and to be honest, it's awesome.....don't think that not having a partner is a barrier to what you want. Go it alone.

I think that's a myth men tell themselves to feel powerful. While it's TECHNICALLY possible, older fathers often lead to medical issues, plus realistically who wants to be 60-something and dealing with teenagers!

If the contraception isn't agreeing with you then stop taking it and inform him that he needs to use a condom. The moods aren't going to help you see things rationally when you need to make some major decisions. Sounds very tough, all the best.