He no longer wants kids

[Lizzielost]

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

Oh and don’t come off contraception as some suggest; you’d have a baby with an unwilling father who most probably won’t pull his weight and you’ll resent him.

It isn't just about whether you have a child or not now, to me this is about his inability to be completely honest with you, and constant muddying the waters. Blowing hot and cold over having a baby is a shit thing to do to someone. So even if you decide to forgo being a mum I would question whether this relationship can survive.

I'm so sorry that this is happening, but I'm another person here who is a bit confused as to why this didn't all come to a head a lot sooner - you got together early 30s, surely you both knew the clock was already ticking?

He told you 2 years ago he didn't want children. You just didn't listen. Yes he's dicked you around, but come on - take some responsibility for your actions here.

Leave him and go it alone and sooner rather than later.

OP you might not be able to have children at your age.

I am so sorry that he has messed you about like this. For me it would be hard to forgive.
You have some difficult choices ahead and if one of those is pregnancy by whatever route you have time pressure.

If you stay you will resent him in the end. I am surprised you cannot see that.

In any event you need to stop shovelling down chemicals that upset you. You are not obliged to do that.

It did

2.5 years ago he explicitly told the op to stop trying for a baby

You think she should keep taking contraception that doesn't agree with her rather than asking him to use a condom?! Why?

Sorry ... I meant to write ... I am sorry HE cannot see that.

I’m sorry to say that you’ve left things a bit late and should have given him the ultimatum to start trying or split up years ago. If you really want to become a mum I think donor sperm is your best bet and that’s something you’d have to do soon.
I also agree with others that you should come off contraceptive. If he doesn’t want kids he can use a condom or get a vasectomy

This 👆🏻

Me too.

It really is ALL in your hands now. But, fwiw, in your position, this is what I’d do.

Tell him we’re over - I’d never forgive or forget being led up the garden path in this way, and his attempt to literally derail the life I had planned for myself and with him. The relationship would be over.

Sign up for a sperm donor, and get the ball rolling to have a baby alone. I’d do this, like TODAY. Time is not on your side.

Look at the best way to manage the house situation. Sell as it is, or draw up an agreement to complete the renovations and then sell. Potentially borrow money against the house to pay professionals to speed up the process and get out of there.

Good luck - I feel for you so much. He’s been an absolute shit.

He told you 2.5 years ago he didn’t want to try for a DC.

OP, get practical.

Conversations with him can run alongside the following (if you're serious about wanting to have a child and wouldn't mind going it alone)

• fertility MOT
• mentally preparing how you would do this alone (e.g. where you would live, support from friends/family).
• financial planning.

And then just do it. You've got time but need to act asap if you want kids. I know women who have had kids in early 40s. Get your ducks in a row and get planning on what you can do now.

The time to leave was 2.5 years ago OP. What were you thinking, staying, when he told you then??

It really is ‘now or never’ time…if you want a child, you need to leave and probably start the ball rolling to have a child alone (using a donor?).

Your decision here ..do you want a baby or not ...if you don't stay with him, if you do you have to leave. You don't have time here. I had dd at 41 so it is possible (I got lucky after ten years of trying the one month we didn't I fell pregnant) but time is running out. A friend had a baby via donar and never regretted it at 41. She just never met the right person at the right time. Like you she was shy. Trouble is he has the time to change his mind. You sadly need to decide if the baby thing is a deal breaker.

You need to act quickly. Whether he stays or goes is up to him. Frankly, he’s done this to you, how can you forgive that?

My Mum had a similar issue with my Dad (childhood sweethearts, 18 year relationship) he didn’t want kids and she did. She got pregnant twice “by accident on the pill”. He left after me and my twin were born.

Don’t have children with an unwilling man. Now I’m in my 30’s and in a similar position (except my partner is brilliant and nothing like my dad)

I won’t force the subject as I only want to have children if my partner is keen (obviously there is never a perfect time). I’ve settled for being an aunt and having a comfortable lifestyle and great holidays.

I am working on getting a spaniel though!

Can you take some time off work and go away on your own? Sometimes getting some space between me and the other person/issue can help me process and think about things a bit clearer. I am not saying "leave him" just get some time to yourself.

I understand the need to have a child, but thinking it won't ever happen. In my case it was miscarriages, but it doesn't matter why, it's the same sense of loss of what might have been. But you are also dealing with the potential loss of your relationship too.

Being practical, having children in later life does have it's downsides, it's not been plain sailing and there have been times when I really really wished I didn't have this teenage shit to deal with. We have passed through that now, but I still do wonder about what my life might have been had we not adopted. I would be financially better of, have a bigger pension pot and would have travelled more.

Your DH has not behaved well about this, and it would make me view him differently, how much can I rely on him in times of trouble? But I also can see he has been struggling with dealing with parental loss and the remaining parent becoming a problem. Maybe he doesn't feel he has the emotional bandwidth to deal with both ends of the spectrum - aging parent and young baby.

Don't throw away an otherwise strong relationship - but be sure it is a strong relationship before you put aside the possibility of having children if it's what you really want.

Op I would go for a fertility mot to see what your chances are then decide if you want to try with him, give up, have one by yourself with sperm donor

They’ve both let the faffing around babies go on this long. If you really really want to be a mum it’s naive to wait until you’re in your 40s to get serious about it.

You don't have to answer that, but if you met at 32-33, why did you wait until your late 30s to consider trying?
I'm asking because, based on what happened in the past few years, I would look back at whether he was the main influence for things to go that way (eg. "Of course I want kids, but let's wait to buy a house, Let's wait until I get that new job, Let's wait until....).

The question is: has he really been dicking you around like others have said? That would be the end of the relationship for me.

If that's really what you want, have a child on your own, you'll be better off.

This is very sad and happened to my brother too. His wife said she wanted kids from the start and then around 38 changed her mind. It happens without any intent to mislead. The idea of kids can seem really attractive but then when you actually look at getting pregnant and the commitment, many people eventually realise they just wouldn’t be able to be the parent a child deserves. To get to that realisation often takes years of self-denial or telling yourself I can’t think about it until I have a career and stable income, then I can’t think about children until I own a home. It’s only once you have checked off every box of what you should have before having a child that you really start to face the reality of parenthood.

So it is heartbreaking when a couple reaches the point of this is it, now or never, time for a child and one is still yeah let’s do it and the other is oh no I don’t think I can go through with it. It’s bitterly disappointing, but not really a betrayal imho.

I agree you need to be realistic about your age in terms of pregnancy and childbirth. You do have a partner that loves you and that is worth a lot. However, if you want a child you would need to split up and go for artificial insemination as a single mum to have the best chance of having your own biological baby. I don’t think at 41 there is time to find another partner and naturally fall pregnant.

If you just want to be a mother and being a stepmom would fulfill that, then it’s split up and find a partner with young children.

Arguing in a loop with your current partner is not going to solve things, you’ve been trying that for over a year. As much as he has tried, he seems to genuinely have come to the realisation he doesn’t want children after all. You can’t guilt or emotionally blackmail someone into being a parent, nor do you want to as you’ve been really admirable in not taking his “we can try” at face value.

It’s time to assess what do you want most in life, we can’t always meet all our life goals. Is having children worth sacrificing your partner? If it is, that is totally fine. We only have one life to live and you’ve spent half your life not a mother, it’s ok to spend the next half as a mother if that’s what you want. It’s ok for him to have changed his mind, but it’s equally ok for you to say that is a deal breaker.

It's very late in the day to start trying to conceive without the added drawback if a reluctant partner. Of course he shouldn't have messed you around like this. He us happy with things as they are and you're not. I would just stop using contraception. And refuse to have sex with a condom. Or end the relationship completely. No point in any more discussions.