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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find DS4 so bloody annoying

483 replies

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:19

I feel rotten as he’s only a little kid but he’s such hard work. Here are some examples which I’m not looking for advice on per se, its more to give an idea what life with him is like.

licking people. He’s started trying to lick my face and his sisters face. We hate it. Tell him to stop and laughs and tries to do it more. Move him away he moves back.
whines for things all the time, toys, ice cream,
has taken to shouting. Not saying anything or for any reason like fear or pain just suddenly lets loose with a massive bellow AHHHH. Then stops.

there’s a lot more. He also often doesn’t listen to anything we/I say. Some more examples are

Pelting off when we were at a park and ignoring me shouting to come back. I ran after him and couldn’t find him for ages. Eventually find him by a pond.
on holiday we were going down a steep flight of steps with no guard on one side. The wall was on the other. I was holding a baby so couldn’t supervise (he suddenly took off) people above were screaming at me to get him to come back and I’m yelling come back DS but he just … blanks me. It’s like no one’s spoken. This happens a LOT but these were two very dangerous occasions.

its a horrible thing to admit but I just wish I didn’t have him. I hate spending time with him as he’s either annoying, completely not listening (blanking me) or being downright nasty to me and sometimes he is.

I like being a parent to my other child but not him and keep wondering wtf is wrong with me. I’m sure a lot of stuff is him trying to make a connection but when you try more positive ways it doesn’t work.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 08:24

How many children do you have?

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:24

Two; he is the oldest.

OP posts:

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 22/04/2025 08:25

What consequences does he get for running off, not listening, licking etc?

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:26

None that work. Nothing makes any difference at all. Just doesn’t give a shit.

OP posts:

justkeepswimingswiming · 22/04/2025 08:28

What consequences do you give him for the licking and running off and demanding things?

YANBU small kids are annoying, it’s not till they get to about 8 that they’re great.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 08:28

on holiday we were going down a steep flight of steps with no guard on one side. The wall was on the other. I was holding a baby so couldn’t supervise (he suddenly took off)

Your four year old should not have been going down these steps without holding an adult's hand.

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 08:29

Did you post about this before ? I definitely read the piece about the stairs before here. What advice did you get last time ?

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:33

I don’t know to both @Dollshousedolly but to be honest I’m not exactly looking for advice here as I’m pretty sure I’ve tried all the obvious and not so obvious things. What is increasingly happening is that I’m becoming more and more sort of detached from him. I’m losing any relationship we had and I can’t control him.

My deepest and sickest feeling is that if I could turn back time and only have the one child I would, in a heartbeat.

OP posts:

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:33

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 08:28

on holiday we were going down a steep flight of steps with no guard on one side. The wall was on the other. I was holding a baby so couldn’t supervise (he suddenly took off)

Your four year old should not have been going down these steps without holding an adult's hand.

Yes I know - I’m not being rude here but did you not understand the post? He charged off and ignored me shouting at him to come back and to hold my hand.

OP posts:

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 08:34

It was some time ago when you posted before and it’s awful you still seem to dislike your child. Do you think your child has additional needs - how is his behaviour in nursery ? Do you think your little boy is just craving positive attention ?

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 08:36

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:33

Yes I know - I’m not being rude here but did you not understand the post? He charged off and ignored me shouting at him to come back and to hold my hand.

Show quote history

But surely he was able to run off because you weren't holding his hand in the first place? You state you were already going down the stairs when he ran off, and you were holding a baby so you couldn't supervise properly, and presumably weren't holding his hand.

Your four year old shouldn't have been on such dangerous steps without being properly supervised.

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 08:37

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:33

Yes I know - I’m not being rude here but did you not understand the post? He charged off and ignored me shouting at him to come back and to hold my hand.

Show quote history

What age was he when he charged off ? If he’s four now, he was two or three then - kids do things like that at that age, telling a child to stop running when they are in full flight gets you no-where. Someone should have been holding his hand.

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 08:39

My point is, that was a clear example of a child's 'poor behaviour' (read: totally normal behaviour for their age) being caused by a parental fuck-up.

AlisounOfBath · 22/04/2025 08:39

He’s 4. And he’s got a sibling you love more than him. Of course he’s acting up - he wants your love and attention and he should be getting it. All behaviour is communication and any attention is better than none, so he is telling you he needs time with you (obviously not going to happen because you don’t even like the poor kid).

How long have you actually tried building a one to one connection with him? Not just one day here and there but even just 10 minutes with him every single day, for months. He isn’t there to please you or serve your needs. He’s his own person. Get to know him.

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:39

It’s very possible @Dollshousedolly and I wish I knew how to put it right. I have tried - booked the younger one into nursery so he can have some dedicated one to one time, really praised him. I have done this since birth … I mean yes, I’ve definitely told him off and pulled him up as well. And I do see how easy it is to get caught up in a negative cycle of no, leave her alone, put it down, put it DOWN. But equally I can’t just ignore him throwing water on his sister or something.

I feel like to get any response at all, any, you have to get mad. Not just a bit annoyed but actually full on angry and then he listens but he’s scared. And that’s not what I want either obviously.

He’s been absolutely foul to me over the last few days and I’m ground down by it.

OP posts:

YellowHatt · 22/04/2025 08:41

Could it be that you don’t like the age/stage more than your actual child?

Weirdedoot · 22/04/2025 08:41

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:33

My deepest and sickest feeling is that if I could turn back time and only have the one child I would, in a heartbeat.

He knows you don't like him. He's trying desperately to get your attention and you've shown him the only way to do this is through misbehaviour. He's almost a baby himself and in his eyes you've had another and he's redundant. I know you're not asking for advice but that's not how MN works. You need to smother him with positive attention and love. You need to have special time that's just for you and him. This can't go on.

AlisounOfBath · 22/04/2025 08:41

Also, where is DS’s dad? Is he supporting you? You should be tackling this together.

MargotB · 22/04/2025 08:42

My deepest and sickest feeling is that if I could turn back time and only have the one child I would, in a heartbeat.

I was/am that 'child'. Your son will know how you feel. I did, and it was confirmed when she told me.

Your son may be 'acting out' as a way of gaining your attention. It could be a case of any attention, even negative, is better than none.

I hope you manage to turn things around so that the damage to your son is mitigated.

Lindererer32 · 22/04/2025 08:42

I'm really sorry to say OP, I think you would benefit from reading some parenting books.

For instance, I'd have requested hand holding before reaching top of stairs, and we wouldn't approach unless he was holding hands - then I wouldn't have let go for love nor money.

Licking - annoying but don't give him a reaction. No laughing, shouting.

This is really not meant to criticise but to highlight that it would be useful if you read up on behaviour and parenting tactics as at his age, he's not bad/naughty, he's learning how to interact, get attention, test boundaries etc. It's hard, I know.

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:43

IButtleSir · 22/04/2025 08:39

My point is, that was a clear example of a child's 'poor behaviour' (read: totally normal behaviour for their age) being caused by a parental fuck-up.

Well yes but if they don’t listen to a clear ‘hold my hand’ then it’s a bit hard to know what to do. Have them on reins until they are 5, 6, 7? Not leave the house? Obviously I’m being facetious but it’s how it is.

Another example; we’re waiting for the toilet and someone’s in it. DS tried the door and obviously it’s locked. I say clearly ‘someone is in there.’ He won’t stop banging on the door. I have to literally pretty much rugby tackle him down to stop him and he’s still giggling and trying to open the door. The look I got.

But it’s best I don’t post any more. I’ve had a really hard few days and I wanted to vent. I do make a real effort and it hurts that we have such a poor relationship and communication

OP posts:

LadyTwattington · 22/04/2025 08:43

One of the things I never appreciated about having my second child is that I would sometimes feel hostility towards my first as a result. You see it in nature - older pups are growled at or lunged at by the mother who is nursing her newer babies.

You seem to be taking his behaviour personally, however, and labelling your son as a problem rather than some of his behaviours as a problem.

Look for the good things. Find ways to love him. His eyelashes. The rise and fall of his chest in sleep. The way he embraces life so fully. His vibrancy. Make sure to tell him about the wonderful things about him. Enjoy roughhousing play with him, hide and seek in a safe space, that sort of thing.

My DS 2 was a big handful as a toddler and child. He also yelled things, ran off etc. I now think he probably has ADHD - his two siblings are autistic so neurodiversity runs in the family and it's not a huge stretch. He is the most wonderful young man now. He has found what he loves to do, he is passionate and focused and we have a lovely bond. He still yells things from time to time; that's just him.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 22/04/2025 08:43

Parenting is hard and I admire your honesty but he will be picking up on your feelings towards him
and will be craving attention from you because you are his mum and his world.
You have to work through your feelings so your parenting isn’t so negative towards him I’m afraid.

Original poster

hoppingandhop · 22/04/2025 08:43

I’ve read loads @Lindererer32 . I haven’t found any helpful yet! But I’ll keep trying.

OP posts:

Dollshousedolly · 22/04/2025 08:44

What’s his relationship like with his Dad, Grandparents, etc?

You really need to talk to your GP and get professional help because your dislike for your DS is screaming loud and clear from your posts and I can assure you, your little boy has picked up on his feelings. What’s he like at nursery/school - would he have additional needs ?

The cycle of negativity needs to be broken and maybe a parenting course might help.

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