Do you have much experience with boys of that age, OP? Younger siblings, children of friends, anything like that?
I'll be honest - every once in a while you get a little boy who is a complete and utter lamb. Boys can absolutely have the same gentle temperment you often find in girls. But . . . most boys don't. And I don't think it's all how they're socialised. There seems to be something in them that makes most boys louder, more reckless, and more inclined to throw themselves around and smash things down than girls. (I say this as a staunch feminist, by the way. It just is what it is.)
This can come as a shock to mums. Social media, parenting books and even your friends often don't show this reality, so when your child acts the way you describe, you feel like you've failed in parenting. Or you must have a child with ADHD or something. This can't be normal, can it?
OP, it's completely normal. Everything you described reads like typical four year old boy stuff to me. The fact he only bolted twice in nine months is good! I can understand how horrifying that moment must have been for you, but I promise you, every parent gets at least one of those horrific, heart-in-mouth moments when the kids are that age. You take your eyes off them for a second and when you look back it's an instant heart attack. That's normal!
It's also normal for kids to need the message repeated a few times for it to really sink in. They've got the survival instincts of lemmings at that age. They really do. It's not that he's deliberately disregarding you. He just doesn't have that sort of permanance in his thinking yet. You know how kids can watch the same episode of their favourite tv show every single day and never get bored of it? While your brain is melting out of your ears? Remember that, when you're tempted to think he's disobeying on purpose. Remind yourself, he's a goldfish at this age, and there's a reason those who work with children need the patience of saints.
Some of the most accurate depictions of boys I've seen in fiction where in shows like Malcolm in the Middle or Outnumbered. Or Lynette Scavo's boys in Desperate Housewives. I've known people who thought the boys in those shows were supposed to be bad, or exaggerated for comic effect. Er . . . no. Not really. Not by much!
I think part of your struggle to connect is that you feel you've got a 'bad' child, and it reflects poorly on your parenting. It might help to realise there's nothing wrong with him or you. You just need to find a style of parenting that works for you both. Maybe you take him to the park and tire him out as much as humanly possible, and find that makes a difference. Maybe you tell him something fifty five times, and then suddenly the fifty sixth time it clicks, and you never have to tell him again, and you have no idea why. You'll figure it out. Steer clear of the ooey-gooey gentle parenting type books, if you don't find they help, and don't be afraid to seek out content specifically about boys.
You can get your relationship with him back on track. DS probably is sensing your frustration here, and it's probably not helping. Again, that's normal and natural. But it doesn't have to escalate or become an entrenched dynamic between you. If you catch yourself telling yourself a negative story ("I'm resenting him again", "I think he hates me", "what if it's always like this?") try to shut it down and stay in the moment. Remind yourself you're doing your best and you don't have to fall into those old patterns of thinking. If they're not helpful, push them out of your mind and focus on now instead.
Cut yourself some slack, and don't give up. You can do this.