To find DS4 so bloody annoying

[hoppingandhop]

I feel rotten as he’s only a little kid but he’s such hard work. Here are some examples which I’m not looking for advice on per se, its more to give an idea what life with him is like.

• licking people. He’s started trying to lick my face and his sisters face. We hate it. Tell him to stop and laughs and tries to do it more. Move him away he moves back.
• whines for things all the time, toys, ice cream,
• has taken to shouting. Not saying anything or for any reason like fear or pain just suddenly lets loose with a massive bellow AHHHH. Then stops.

there’s a lot more. He also often doesn’t listen to anything we/I say. Some more examples are

• Pelting off when we were at a park and ignoring me shouting to come back. I ran after him and couldn’t find him for ages. Eventually find him by a pond.
• on holiday we were going down a steep flight of steps with no guard on one side. The wall was on the other. I was holding a baby so couldn’t supervise (he suddenly took off) people above were screaming at me to get him to come back and I’m yelling come back DS but he just … blanks me. It’s like no one’s spoken. This happens a LOT but these were two very dangerous occasions.

its a horrible thing to admit but I just wish I didn’t have him. I hate spending time with him as he’s either annoying, completely not listening (blanking me) or being downright nasty to me and sometimes he is.

I like being a parent to my other child but not him and keep wondering wtf is wrong with me. I’m sure a lot of stuff is him trying to make a connection but when you try more positive ways it doesn’t work.

Yes, at 4 you use reins if he doesn't come when he's called. You practise it, and you always have the reins with you, and you remind him each outing that if he doesn't come when he's called then he'll have to be on reins.

You need to think about practical solutions and try to take the behaviour less personally. I also find this hard, but that isn't my children's fault. They are learning and so am I.

Remember as well that Easter is going to be a difficult time for little kids. Sugar can wreak havoc on their system, and they would have been out of routine. So this weekend might have been really challenging, but try and get back into a routine and reconnect with your child in positive ways. Getting out to the park with the baby in a carrier or buggy might allow for some time to blow off steam with 1 on 1 supervision and attention?

I think you need to look into additional needs too. He sounds as though he is neuro divergent in some way. I would look into both autism and ADHD.

It's scary. I didn't like thinking about it. But even reading up on the conditions and management techniques will help even if he isn't. Look especially at PDA.

you should have hold his hand if you couldn’t hold his hand in dangerous situations you shouldn’t have gone there. There are a lot of more manageable places.
you are his parent - you should plan and be prepared, he is just 4 y.o.
By the way if he is the oldest , your second child might surprise you yet.

i missed this as our posts crossed ..…..Yes to both. He’s fine at nursery - seems to enjoy it. He’s sometimes ok with me, especially when dad isn’t around. When he (dad) and I are both present he’s vile to me. Not because of his dad … I don’t know what it is..

To me this reads as if your DS knows well you don’t like him and when his dad is there too, he sees this as even less attention for him. How does your DH react when your DS is vile to you. How is your relationship with your DH - is it positive and loving in front of your DS >

Could your DH take your DS swimming or something each weekend, just the two of them so that your DS could have a happy outlet ?

It sounds like the issue is your own feelings toward your son, not your son’s normal annoying toddler behaviour. I would suggest seeing if you can work through these feelings with a therapist — having small children is exhausting, I know, and children aged 3-4 can be horrendously annoying, but you suggest you don’t love your child. That just isn’t down to his normal behaviour.

Perhaps you have some unprocessed trauma or other emotional hang ups that are causing you to focus all your love and attention on baby 2, a girl, and turn away from your elder boy. Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself but especially to your child to work it out. It’s terribly sad, but he does deserve better.

Seriously? He is NOT there to make you feel good! Did you have him to love you, or so that you could love him? He’s a tiny child, but you expect him to respond to you like an adult - you expect him to meet you halfway but he’s not capable of that because he’s far far too little. Of course he wants a relationship with you, you’re his mummy! The giggling is him trying to get you to engage in play and joking around - it’s not appropriate for the context, granted, but it’s him trying to connect with you.

My son's nursery and first teacher didn't pick up on anything. In fact they waved away the concerns I tried to raise and told me I worried too much. He's 14 now and in a special school!

Sorry, I'm confused by this. Both of my children have a habit of getting distracted and running off so I just keep hold of their hands near anything dangerous? Ones deaf too so no option of telling him to come back if he's not looking at me. If for any reason keeping hold of their hands wasn't an option I'd absolutely use reins for as long as needed.

I understand being cross because you were scared in the moment (and everybody drops the ball occasionally). But you're framing this like it's his fault he wasn't being supervised properly. Like I said, every parent makes mistakes like this and I'm not saying you should beat yourself up about it, but you can't shift the blame onto him for it... 4 year olds aren't supposed to be make the right choice every time. They're still learning impulse control and their ability to understand risk isn't the same as an adults.

I do smile a bit at posts like that thought @Firsttimecommentor and it’s why I don’t really ask advice because it’s obvious - to me your post is pure common sense and as such tried it. DS doesn’t give a shit about No,
firm or otherwise.

It is true progress could take years. I guess I’m just worried about relationships declining.

And thank you for the kinder posts. I can’t afford counselling at the moment but in the future I would like to explore this.

Get reins for him. He wears them until he can be trusted

Have you been on parenting courses? If not, it's not correct that there's literally nothing that you haven't tried to do.

He's four and you're his mummy; of COURSE he wants a relationship with you. Stop trying to focus on making him listen to you- that won't come until your relationship is significantly better. Instead, prioritise listening to him.

He is a unique human being who you get to help shape into an adult, and that is such a privilege, and a huge responsibility.

One thing that has made me think as I’ve been typing though is how much worse he’s been over the last few days. And we have been away so diet hasn’t been great and I do think this has really affected him. He’s been notably irritable and unpleasant and while he often isn’t great it’s been much worse. So hopefully things will improve when home and back to home cooked meals and healthy snacks.

You’re getting some shit responses here. Probably from people who haven’t had a small child for 40+ years.

I think you need to be strict with him. Tell him do not run off, hold my hand or we are leaving.

And what is she supposed to do when he lets go and bolts off? Of course she knows to hold his hand ffs but it’s impossible hold in a baby while another’s doing all they can to escape.

I have a child that reacts very similarly to yours (and then some) and it's been so hard at times so I'm sending you solidarity.

I've noticed you seem worried about judgement of your own parenting. All those people shouting at you to get him back up the stairs. It's shaming.

And you also seem worried things are only going to get worse between you.

Fuck what other people think - what's important is the relationship between you and your son. The effort can feel gargantuan I know.

There used to be some places near me that offered free support groups for parents of young children so maybe you could look into that if counseling is out of reach.

Or look at hand in hand parenting where fellow parents will hear you offload.

@IButtleSir no and I don’t plan to. But I am educated, I can and do read, I have tried various strategies and none of them really connect us very well. All I can do is try but relationships are two way. I can offer but ultimately if DS doesn’t respond then that ends there.

@Seventree he doesn’t habitually run off, that’s occasions in nine months. On both he was holding my hand and suddenly pulled free. But I don’t really want to focus on the minutiae of these occasions. I’m sure there are some things I should do differently .The point is though that he often doesn’t respond at all when I speak to him, lights off, no one’s home sort of thing.

All these things sound normal for an age 4 boy.
This is my son, turned out he has adhd. He is the most amazing kid but is really, really hard work. It's like parenting 4 kids at once. Your son might just be attention seeking too becuase of the baby.
Boys are hard work, their energy levels are insane. I havent worn heels for ten years, trainers on ready for a quick dash to save them from themselves at any time.
They get super dirty, playingbin the dirt and with muf and sticks. I often get accidently whacked by a ball or stick.

Op I think posters will try to convince you that he has some SN but some kids are just like that without a reason.
I clearly remember truly hating my nephews at that age. They were 3 and 4 and were just feral.
My SIL and her dh were very gentle parents but firm and it didn’t help. They were just out of control really and we stopped having them over and just visited them instead. If they trashed their own house or behaved horribly we could just leave.
Im certain Mn would have diagnosed them with everything under the sun.
I clearly remember one day PIL smacked one of them after some truly horrific behaviour and that seemed to have worked. Even SIL at that point gave up.
oddly enough when they both turned 9/10 they settled down and turned out to be such lovely young teens and young men today. You would never have thought that at age 3/4.

My son is nearly 4 and he can be annoying, mainly when he repeats “mummy mummy mummy” very loudly to get my attention and then doesn’t say anything. He does other annoying 4 year old things, and I can relate on the bloody whining, but I just put it down to age as he wasn’t like this a year ago, I’m assuming he’ll grow out of it. But I definitely don’t wish I didn’t have him, he can be super funny and sweet. My only other child is 4 months old, so she’s easier in some waysc harder in others.

I don’t think it’s inherently bad to find your kids annoying sometimes, we’re all human, we have bad and good days, and young children can be stressful, but if you’re feeling that you literally don’t want him, it might be time to speak to a specialist for you and for him, whether that be a health visitor or your GP, as if he starts to be able to see you feel this way it could cause a lot of distress for him.

She clearly doesn't know to hold his hand. She wasn't holding his hand on steps she described as dangerous. And a child can't let go of your hand if you are holding onto them, which sensible parents do because they know there's a high chance their child will try to let go and bolt off, because that's what small children do.

You certainly aren't the only parent who is really strung out at the end of the Easter holidays. But bloody hell, listen to yourself. "A relationship is two way" - er, no, a parent/child relationship is decidedly one way for a very long time. Your son has no idea how much you do for him and is hardly going to thank you for it, because he's 4. You're sitting here trying to paint yourself as the victim of a young child's behaviour, and you've "tried everything". Maybe try changing your attitude to your child to have more empathy with him and less self pity.

4 year olds are difficult all that sounds normal behaviour.
It sounds as though you have a baby and that you prefer being a parent to the baby. I can understand that as babies are easier than 3/4 year olds that are trying to assert their independence.
It also sounds as though your child is picking up on your preference and acting up to get your attention. I know it's hard but I think you need to try and give him some 1 to 1 attention and make him feel valued. Even if at the moment you don't like him try and pretend you do

Sounds like my ds at that age. He was a real daredevil. Grew out of it though.

No and I don’t plan to. But I am educated, I can and do read, I have tried various strategies and none of them really connect us very well. All I can do is try but relationships are two way. I can offer but ultimately if DS doesn’t respond then that ends there.

Fucking hell. You are beyond help. Your poor, poor son.