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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She’s not dd(11)s problem?

247 replies

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:38

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary.
Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things.

Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends.
It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions.
But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her.

After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it.
Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah.

Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now.
She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:42

Your daughter tried to include Sarah.
It's not her job. Let the school handle it.

Hankunamatata · 20/04/2025 22:43

Yanbu. Your daughters niceness at trying to include has come back to bite her.

Id reply to the mum and be blunt that your dd did tried to include her but her dd was extremely negative. It's not up to your dd to be Sarah's social organiser.

CaptainFuture · 20/04/2025 22:44

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:42

Your daughter tried to include Sarah.
It's not her job. Let the school handle it.

This, responsibilty for another child's happiness should never be put on a child!

Vallmo47 · 20/04/2025 22:44

My mum strongly encouraged me to hang out with a girl from primary school who didn’t have any friends. There were reasons for this, ones my mum would ignore and tell me to ignore too. I ended up being bullied all the way through secondary school and well into college.

I will never ever try to force my kids to be friends with anyone as a result of what I went through. I do teach them to be kind, but they have a right to choose their friends like everyone else.

Hankunamatata · 20/04/2025 22:45

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

When they hit high school you have to step back from pre teens friendships unless their is bullying.

It's not op dd jobs to hang out with someone she doesn't get on with. Daughters should not be taught to put others needs before their own preferences all the time

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 20/04/2025 22:45

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

Where did it say she doesn't have empathy? Sarah was mean to her DD in primary school. She tried to include Sarah but they just don't click. There will be lots of other children at this school - not just the op's DD and it isn't her responsibility to include her all the time.

I remember being new at secondary school and worrying incessantly about not being with the girls from primary school. But ultimately I made other friends and the ones I made at primary became acquaintances as did I to them. Life moves on and Sarah needs to find her own way and tribe.

Original poster
juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:47

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

There is empathy.
If it was the other way around and my dd was struggling to make friends, I would look at why and then help her to try and make them not expect another 11 year old to sort it for us.

OP posts:
CodandChipz · 20/04/2025 22:48

No it’s not your DDs problem.

I went to school with someone called ‘Claire’ she was always unpleasant and very self assured. It got worse in secondary as both her parents taught there which she believed gave her some power. We would try and include her and she would be really horrible to one of the group, so we stopped inviting her shopping (it was the 80s so we went a lot) etc.
She would regularly be sent to the office with the register so the teacher could remind us all to be kind and include everyone. Went on for years.

They’ve tried this a bit with DDs group as it was kind of the ‘outcasts’ so they think they can make any lonely girl sit with them. Quite often they are lonely as they’ve been horrible to everyone.
What I would say is, they don’t try this shit with boys.

Namenamchange · 20/04/2025 22:48

Be very careful that your dd doesn’t end up being forced to be friends with Sarah, Sarah needs to be encouraged by her mum to join in with clubs at school to widen her friendship group. As long as dd is polite and kind that is all that can be asked of her.

I think you should be watchful that more doesn’t come of this. If mum wants to approach the school she should be asking how they can support Sarah to make new friends not force her old primary friends to include her.

Leafy3 · 20/04/2025 22:50

Absolutely not your daughters problem. Why on earth was your daughter pulled out of class to account for her (non) friendship with Sarah? That's pretty outrageous.

I do have much empathy for Sarah but her mum is really not helping matters. It sounds as though she is implying your daughter is bullying hers, in which case you need to get ahead of her and speak to the school before she does.

Original poster
juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:50

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:42

Your daughter tried to include Sarah.
It's not her job. Let the school handle it.

I’m worried about how the school are going to handle it.
I don’t want them to speak to dd again and try and suggest she should include Sarah but see how that’s the easiest way for them to handle it.

OP posts:
MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:52

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:50

I’m worried about how the school are going to handle it.
I don’t want them to speak to dd again and try and suggest she should include Sarah but see how that’s the easiest way for them to handle it.

Show quote history

Not your problem. It's a discussion between school and Sarah's parents.
It has nothing to do with you or your daughter.

Your daughter tried. She is allowed her own life and right to choise her friends. Support her in that.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 20/04/2025 22:53

Sarah was a mean girl at primary, your daughter tried to be nice despite that, it didn't work out. Now Sarah needs to find her own way forward. So long as dd and her friends are not being unkind I would say they carry on as they are, if they are being mean then I would remind her how it felt to be on the receiving end.

Leafy3 · 20/04/2025 22:54

Then you should speak to the school first day back and explain what you have here, that your daughter and her friends have done their best to include Sarah but they haven't gelled and you're not going to force a friendship on your daughter, especially with a girl who has been unkind to her in the past.

Tell the school that you trust they will encourage Sarah's mother to help her daughter make new friends and not make it your daughter's issue. Point out that Sarah's mother's expectations of your daughter are unreasonable and you won't have your daughter bullied into spending time with Sarah outside of school.

Original poster
juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:52

Not your problem. It's a discussion between school and Sarah's parents.
It has nothing to do with you or your daughter.

Your daughter tried. She is allowed her own life and right to choise her friends. Support her in that.

Edited
Show quote history

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 20/04/2025 22:58

I’d be really clear with dd that she doesn’t have to be friends with this girl. She’s not being unkind to her or excluding her, she’s not part of the friendship group. Maybe give pastoral person at school a heads up.
My dd had a really nice settled friendship group. There was a girl who had already burned through several friendship groups. She latched on to them and they were too nice to say no. She caused lots of drama and friendship issues - lots of running to school and complaining when she was the bully.

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:59

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

Show quote history

If school pulled my child out a second time and tried to make her responsible for another child I would let them know that Sarah has a history of bullying in primary school. Tell them that you won't accept their approach and the school needs to leave your daughter to choose her own friendships.

Leafy3 · 20/04/2025 23:00

💯 time to stand up for your daughter, op

DelphiniumBlue · 20/04/2025 23:05

Maybe speak to the school, explaining that you are aware that DD was pulled out of class to talk about this, and that the mum has contacted you direct subsequently. Explain that DD doesn't want to be friends with Sarah, that there is a history of Sarah being unpleasant to DD and causing her unhappiness, and you don't want DD pushed to be friendly or hang around with Sarah because of the negative experiences in the past and her negative behaviour currently. You are pleased that DD has managed to break away from her and has developed new independence and a new group of friends, and you can see how much happier DD is now. You can say that whilst DD tries to be civil, she doesn't like Sarah because of how she has treated her (bullied her?)in the past and you think the interests of both the girls will be best served if they keep their distance and forge separate friendships. Tell them DD is coming under pressure from Sarah and you'd appreciate some support with this as you think it's inappropriate for Sarah and her mother to be pressuring DD like this.

Cakeandusername · 20/04/2025 23:05

Definitely tell school re history with Sarah. I’d also not engage with the mum. They are secondary age it’s inappropriate. Maybe just reply a set phrase like Yes we’ve had a nice holiday.

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 20/04/2025 23:09

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:50

I’m worried about how the school are going to handle it.
I don’t want them to speak to dd again and try and suggest she should include Sarah but see how that’s the easiest way for them to handle it.

Show quote history

Then get in first preemptively and tell them yourself the other mum is trying to force unwanted friendships on your DD. Don’t just wait for her mum to go telling tales.

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 20/04/2025 23:10

Oh and block the mother from texting you too!

Snugglemonkey · 20/04/2025 23:16

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

I would feel that it was a shame for Satah that her negativity was pushing others away. I would feel glad that my own child is not clinging to her primary school classmate, getting on board with Sarah's negativity and is instead making her own way and making friends, settling well.

I would encourage my dc not to be mean to Sarah, but I would be clear that she does not owe friendship to anyone.

My dc will not ruin their own friendships by "being kind" to people who were never friends with them.

slashlover · 20/04/2025 23:16

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

If there was someone at your job who bullied you, called you names and who you just didn't gel with, would you be fine with your manager telling you that you had to be friends with them?