She’s not dd(11)s problem?

[juneisjuly]

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary.
Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things.

Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends.
It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions.
But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her.

After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it.
Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah.

Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now.
She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her.

AIBU?

Op how did Sarah’s mum have your number? Or did she message through social media? If they weren’t friends at primary it’s odd she’s got your number and messaged you? Maybe the girl thought they were friends or told her mum they were?

Were they put together in the same form or something at secondary just because they’d been to the same primary? School pulling your dd out is also odd if they weren’t friends, it doesn’t add up?

Of course the mum is overstepping here and is handling things all wrong, I just wonder if her dd got the impression they were friends or they were put together in year 7 and initially stuck together?

Not your DD’s problem. She’s already done more than this girl deserved.
You cannot force friendships on kids who don’t want them

Yes: a matter of fact communication to the school giving the background to their time together in primary, efforts to include her which have failed (for good reason), and why you do not expect your daughter to be bothered about this matter anymore. Friendships evolve organically and cannot be forced. She's not a paid companion FFS.

In my experience it's perfectly normal for primary school friendships to drift apart through secondary. My DS went on to secondary with 13 other boys from his primary. Over the years, they moved on to other friends and now in Y12 he's only still friends with one of them. If your DD wasn't even friends with this girl in primary, there is no reason why they would be friends in secondary.

Your child made the effort to get to know other kids.
I wouldn't get involved and the mum has over stepped. The girls aren't including her as she is mean.

I'd be telling the school the history of Sarah and the bullying and asking that the school kept the bully away from my dd. Not your dd responsibility. Your dd keeps being kind to all. I was bullied badly at school hence why I'd be strong if my dd was bullied.

I would speak to the school first, I'd tell them about the bad behaviour of Sarah and say that you don't want your daughter to be asked/forced to be friends with someone who has treated her badly in the past. Get ahead of the other mother and deal with it before she does.

It doesn't have to be confrontational, I'd just say Sarah's mother said she was going to speak to you about this, I've been thinking about it and I don't want this raised with my daughter, it's not her responsibility to create a friendship group for someone who has belittled and excluded her in the past.

Not your DDs problem. She has tried already. Personally I would be contacting the school first and telling them about the message and that your DD has tried to include the other girl but she is horrible to them all so it won't be happening again. I would also be telling them you were not happy your dd was pulled out of class already and spoken to about this and under no circumstances is it to happen again. I would also be making it clear just because your dd was in primary with sarah it is not her responsibility to babysit her and you suggest they have a serious concern with Sarah's mum about how her DD treats other kids because that is why nobody likes her.

Please stand up for your DD here. I know a group of teenagers that are forced to be friends because of there mums. They have nothing in common and a couple are actually really horrible and make nasty comments to everyone. They all look miserable together as they don't like each other but are stuck together.

I’d write out exactly how your DD tried to include Sarah, with a rough timeline and some examples. I’d then explain Sarah’s negativity and how she didn’t fit in with your DD’s friendship group. I’d also point out that your DD has had empathy for Sarah and has never been unkind to her. Finally, I’d say that if mum/the school try to push them together, it will actually have the opposite effect and mean Sarah is viewed in a negative way. End by saying that it would be better if Sarah was supported to develop her own natural friendships, as she will do in life when older.

I’d send a tactful version of this to her mum, and I’d also send a blunter version to the school to pre-empt any further engineering from them. I suspect if you don’t, Sarah will make your DD out to be a villain.

School should be encouraging Sarah to widen her group of friends, not insist on trying to engineer a friendship with just your DD. My DDs best friend at primary was a queen bee and had a history of dropping DD whenever someone more interesting came along. She did this at the end of year 6 and DD made a new friend when she started secondary school (much to my relief) and ended up as part of a bigger group too. Old friend didn't really settle or regain queen bee status, so wanted DD back. DDs friends did include her in things, but didn't allow her to call the shots. After a brief attempt to annex DDs new BF, she thankfully went off with some other girls. It sounds like your DD is similar - she's tried, but Sarah feels entitled to more - she isn't.

Why is this something to agonise over? Surely it would be resolved by sending an email to school or just talking to her teacher?

Tip them off. Tell them that the girls have never clicked and it’s not DD’s job to be anything other than basically polite and pleasant as she be to anyone. Make sure they know that you don’t want them pushed together.

YOU contact the school immediately and make a request to speak to the Safe Guarding lead, and make it very clear to them that the girls were NOT friends in primary.
That your daughter did try to be inclusive but the girls have nothing in common.

That you do not want your daughter pulled from class again about this issue.
Your daughter has freedom to choose her friends in school and YOU will be very upset if the school in any way tries to bully, intimidate or influence her friendship group.

It is not your daughters job to force a friendship with someone from her primary school who actually wasn't very kind to her during those years.

Make it very clear you will be into the school immediately if there is any hint of your child being approached.

Tell the school you were approached by the other parent with the threat of going to the school again because your daughter didn't socialise with her over the holidays in her private time.

Make it clear that you will view any further discussion on this matter as harassment of your child and family.

Sarah's mother has no business contacting you or thinking she gets to dictate what your child does during her school holidays.

Take this very seriously.

That would be unusual for a secondary school to do - can be more of an issue in a small primary school. The school were right to check with your daughter initially as they did do - incase something like bullying was happening and, of course, who knows what story they were given. But it sounds like they checked with your daughter and that was the end of it. I wouldn’t expect there to be any risk of them prioritising another student over your daughter. In the situation you describe, I don’t think there would be any harm in you proactively contacting the school to say this is the situation from your understanding and you want your daughter supported as, in your opinion, there is inappropriate pressure coming from this student and her parents. I wouldn’t use language like “telling tales” to describe the difficulties at primary school though. I think saying they were not in the same friends group at primary and although your daughter tried at start of secondary in solidarity as being the only two from same primary school, they simply don’t gel. Your daughter won’t be mean but she simply doesn’t want to hang out as friends. Your daughter has settled and established a lovely friendship group and you plan to refer the parents of this other student to school every time they raise concerns directly with you.

This girl made life difficult for your daughter at primary school
Your daughter was the bigger person and tried to include this girl ,it didn't work ,your daughter is responsible for her own happiness only ,this girl needs to work with the school to find her own friends.
Do not let this girls friendship problems be placed at your daughter's door.
Be sure to stick up for your daughter and tell the current school this girl has never been your daughters friend in fact she has been nasty to her in the past
School can not force friendships, although they will try if they think it makes their job easier

Actually this 100%

I don’t think the school, after speaking to your DD, will try and push anything. In my experience secondary schools operate much differently to primary and tend to avoid getting that involved in friendship issues, especially not trying to force children together.

However, I would definitely get my point/some facts across to the school. Write an email to the head of year explaining the history and staying firm on the fact that your DD will continue to be kind and polite to this child but they are not compatible and will not be good friends.

Mine started secondary with a couple of primary friends, they stuck together for all of two days and now none of them speak to each other because they all branched out and found friends more suited to them. This child’s mother is doing her no favours at all, she should be encouraged to find her people, not trying to force friendships where there is none.

Finding your tribe is a big part of secondary school, and a time where often you naturally grow apart from primary school peers and even friends. It's a hard time, and navigating it can be tough, but it's part of life. This girls mum shouldn't be finding her daughter friends by default, she should be helping support her finding her own who suit her better. Your daughter doesnt have to be friends with her.

It takes years for secondary friendship groups to settle down in my experience of 2 girls.

In year 7 there are plenty more fish in the sea and the girl needs to make some different friends.

‘Not knowing anyone else’ is bollocks. Dd2 moved to a secondary at the start of year 7 where she had never met a single person at the school. I didn’t expect the girl they buddied her with to look after her forever more and be her forever bestie.

The other thing I would advise the other mum is for her dd to have friends outside school/ make sure she does a club. That’s massive - school friendships matter a lot more if you don’t have other friends. It’s a lot more normal these days I think for kids to have friends at different schools.

I would speak to school and explain what you’ve said here, and that you don’t want your dd to be used like this again.

Op I had exactly the same thing when I was at school only the girl in question had actually bullied me in primary school.

My mum made clear to the school that we were not friends and that the girl in question was NOT my problem and to stop trying to push a friendship that just wasn't there.

I’d contact the school as soon as you can. Maybe even an email just now and follow it up when the schools are back.
id outline how you are concerned that the school and now the parent are attempting to force Dd to be friends with her.
That your Dd was never friends with her as she experienced persistent bullying from her in primary school and has no wish to experience it again
That coming to this school was to be a fresh start and happily she has settled in the school
however your concern is should teachers try and force a friendship your child’s mental health would suffer again.

Also of the mum messaged again remind her that they have never been friends due to her daughters constant bullying and to stop contacting you.

Tassy is spot on. You need to be proactive here. I would be unhappy about Dd being dragged out of lessons for this.

There is implicit criticism of her that there are “issues” between the two that need fixing when this is not the case.

Neither of mine are close with their primary friends. One group from primary have clung together and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy.

Depending on how the school classes are set up, there may not be a lot of scope for Sarah to make new friends - other than lunchtime and after school clubs. This could make it intense for your DD (and Sarah).

In one of my DDs schools, in year 7 there is no mixing of kids across tutor groups. Ie they do all subjects with the same group of 30 kids. If your DD and Sarah are in a school like this- then it's harder (for both). As the groups also tend to eat lunch together and there was little mixing outside of tutor grps

In my DS school in year 7, he (almost) had different kids in each subject.. so loads more opportunities to make friendships with more kids- and he didn't have lunch with the same kids each day as he sometimes went straight to lunch with the kids from the class before lunch etc.