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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She’s not dd(11)s problem?

247 replies

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:38

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary.
Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things.

Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends.
It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions.
But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her.

After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it.
Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah.

Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now.
She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 21/04/2025 00:13

I would drop a line to the form tutor outlining this and say she'd tried, it didn't work, whilst you feel sorry for Sarah it's not on your daughter and please ensure that school makes no expectation on your daughter other than to be pleasant as you want her to be able to build her own friendships and drop in the extent to which she was unpleasant to your daughter at primary. I'd probably send something quite robust but not unpleasant to the other mum too.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/04/2025 00:18

YANBU.

I don’t believe in pushing kids to be friends. If they don’t click, they don’t click.

BigHeadBertha · 21/04/2025 00:19

I definitely agree with you. If anything, I'd say your job as your daughter's parent is to teach her to stay away from people who mistreat her, not rush in to their rescue when their followers are no longer around. And it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing, so good for you. I'd just block Sarah's mother. The two of you have nothing to discuss and you're under no obligation to deal with her.

Then, you might want to call the school yourself and tell them that Sarah's mother has told you she plans to complain about Sarah not being included with some of the other girls. While you're sorry to hear that, Sarah has a history of bullying your daughter. Therefore, you don't think Sarah is a good friend choice for your daughter and you would like your daughter to be left out of it.

holamuchgusto · 21/04/2025 00:19

I personally think you need to pre empt this and take action first. Speak to the school, explain your daughter was called out of class, explain everything you've said here that she wasn't her friend, she's tried to include her but now her mother is intervening and messaging you.
Chances are the daughter has picked up on some of the mothers bullying behaviour (the way she's messaging you) and thats why she's not made friends. But your daughter shouldn't be forced to be friends with her if she doesn't want to.

pizzaHeart · 21/04/2025 00:25

I would be very concerned that some sort of story was spinned already at the school. Otherwise why your DD was taken out of class and asked about Sarah?
So I would email your DD’s form tutor that Sarah’s mum texted you what she said about “ exclusion” and that you were very surprised as Sarah and DD were not friends at primary, DD tried to be friendly at secondary but it didn’t work. DD was asked once about Sarah already and you are worried that Sarah told something about DD at school and at home which was not true.
You need to act first .

Velmy · 21/04/2025 00:31

Mum's insinuation that they should stick together as they're from the same primary school is ridiculous.

Where was this attitude when her daughter was being mean to your DD?

Kids grow up and make new friends; if her kid can't do that, that's an issue on their end and as long as there's no bullying going on, the school should tell her the same.

DBD1975 · 21/04/2025 00:32

There are two sides to the story. Nobody knows the full facts or what is going on at school and how the girl who feels excluded is actually being treated. There are just different versions of what is going on and different perspectives.

Should anyone be forced to be friends with anyone, of course not but, in a world where you can be anything, be kind.

user1473878824 · 21/04/2025 00:34

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

I wouldn’t be forcing my 11 year old to include a girl who didn’t include her before. It’s not up to OP’s DD to facilitate friendships for someone else - it’s not as if she’s dropped her mate for new friends. Don’t we constantly rail against the fact women are instilled to fix everything for everyone else at their own detriment as adults?

Waitingforspring77 · 21/04/2025 00:34

Your daughter sounds lovely, she'd tried to be kind and inclusive but it hasn't worked out. Sarah needs to find her own tribe and it is correct that this isn't your daughter's concern or job to sort out. I agree that children shouldn't be forced to be friends with people they don't want to be but I think they should at least be courteous and kind. I always say to my DC, you don't have to be friends with them or even like them but don't hurt them! Kindness is key

Agapornis · 21/04/2025 00:38

I'd make it crystal clear to the school that your daughter was bullied by Sarah in primary school, and does not wish to engage with her, in case Sarah starts bullying her again.

Calling a child out of a classroom to adjudicate on friendships is really weird. I'd want to know more about that.

Be civil to twats, not kind.

4forksache · 21/04/2025 00:39

You need to advocate for your dd. She is your priority and she’s already tried to be kind. At the first sign of anything happening at school, you need to go in there and explain that she’s not your dd’s problem.

But do make sure that it isn’t your dd excluding her from others who would be happy to be friends with her. I know you said it’s them who don’t like her, but kids can be economical with the truth.

Shoezembagsforever · 21/04/2025 00:41

Vallmo47 · 20/04/2025 22:44

My mum strongly encouraged me to hang out with a girl from primary school who didn’t have any friends. There were reasons for this, ones my mum would ignore and tell me to ignore too. I ended up being bullied all the way through secondary school and well into college.

I will never ever try to force my kids to be friends with anyone as a result of what I went through. I do teach them to be kind, but they have a right to choose their friends like everyone else.

This!!

ClairDeLaLune · 21/04/2025 00:43

DelphiniumBlue · 20/04/2025 23:05

Maybe speak to the school, explaining that you are aware that DD was pulled out of class to talk about this, and that the mum has contacted you direct subsequently. Explain that DD doesn't want to be friends with Sarah, that there is a history of Sarah being unpleasant to DD and causing her unhappiness, and you don't want DD pushed to be friendly or hang around with Sarah because of the negative experiences in the past and her negative behaviour currently. You are pleased that DD has managed to break away from her and has developed new independence and a new group of friends, and you can see how much happier DD is now. You can say that whilst DD tries to be civil, she doesn't like Sarah because of how she has treated her (bullied her?)in the past and you think the interests of both the girls will be best served if they keep their distance and forge separate friendships. Tell them DD is coming under pressure from Sarah and you'd appreciate some support with this as you think it's inappropriate for Sarah and her mother to be pressuring DD like this.

This is perfect.

I hate all that “be kind” shit. Your DD is not responsible for Sarah being unable to make friends, and shouldn’t be forced to try to fix it for her.

Leafy3 · 21/04/2025 00:54

precious daughters-in-law head

My Alautocorrect is on fire tonight 🙄

Crazyworldmum · 21/04/2025 01:06

This is very stereotypical with girls like Sarah , they find a crew and bully others in smaller schools and then realise as they get to the teen year that they where not that great and most do not like bullies . I think you cannot nor should you try to force your daughter to make friends with her . Kind yes but no more than that .

thevassal · 21/04/2025 01:19

agree with the majority:

block the mum
contact the school pre-emptively (some good examples of wording above)
reassure dd she doesn't have to spend any time with sarah or interact in anyway beyond being polite to her

Sarah's mum should take some responsibility for sending her to a school where she only knew one person, whom she didn't get on with! What would she have done if your dd hadn't gone to that school!

tbh I'd be sitting on my hands to not reply "Perhaps dd would be a bit more enthusiastic about "X school girls sticking together" if Sarah hadn't bullied her when they were actually in X school. Unsurprisingly she hasn't made any new friends if that is the way she treats people but that doesn't mean she can use my dd now she doesn't have any better options."

(I mean obviously don't send anything like that but I'd be typing it in my drafts to vent my frustration. Cheeky cow! You can see where 'Sarah' gets it from!)

jenrobin · 21/04/2025 01:24

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:38

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary.
Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things.

Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends.
It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions.
But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her.

After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it.
Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah.

Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now.
She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her.

AIBU?

The most gobsmacking thing is that she is rapping you and DD over the knuckles for not inviting Sarah out over Easter! Outside of school! The entitlement knows no bounds and she's definitely trying her luck to get your DD knuckling under, rather than for more than basic kindness and inclusiveness. As someone who works in schools, sometimes you just need to ask what's going on in friendship groups; I'm sure that the school listened to your daughter. However if Sarah's mum or the school bring this up again the line you want to use is: "Sarah didn't want to be friends with DD in primary, and that was the right decision, because they have nothing in common. DD is kind and civil to Sarah, but she found her own friends to share interests with outside of school, and that's the only advice I have for Sarah and Sarah's mum".

Booboobagins · 21/04/2025 01:36

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

She's bullied OPs daughter, she's 'difficult' and doesn't accept its her problem (obvs) she's a kid but still gets no empathy from me. Her mum is entitled!

Keep your DD away from her @juneisjuly

Dery · 21/04/2025 01:41

Agree with PP - get ahead of this with the school. Tell them what you’ve told us.

It’s very painful watching your DCs struggle socially - most parents have to go through that a bit because puberty is such a fraught time anyway. However, Sarah should not be protected from the consequences of her meanness, otherwise she won’t learn to be a better friend.

I had no friends for most of the second year of secondary school. The few friends I’d had in my first year had got fed up with me and moved on - because I moaned all the time and was very negative and sometimes bitchy. It was bloody painful but it was also a bloody good lesson. By the third year of secondary, I had started to make a much better job of being nice to people and my friendships grew. Sarah needs to go through this process.

SilverButton · 21/04/2025 01:54

Block Sarah's mum. Tell DD she's done nothing wrong.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 21/04/2025 02:54

She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together.

I'd get ahead of this and email your daughter's form tutor and house office (or equivalent) and make it very clear that your daughter is not and has never been friends with Sarah, that she tried to include Sarah in her circle when they hit secondary but it didn't work, and that the school is NOT to approach your daughter again to solve Sarah's social issues. Your daughter is not being mean, unkind or a bully, but she is not interested in being Sarah's bestie, she has her own circle.

DoYaKnowTheFiveLamps · 21/04/2025 03:02

Your DD tried, they don’t get on, that’s all there is to it. Let the school handle Sarah, it’s not DD’s responsibility

Charliecatpaws · 21/04/2025 03:19

Not your DD’s problem, she’s done her bit

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2025 03:41

DelphiniumBlue · 20/04/2025 23:05

Maybe speak to the school, explaining that you are aware that DD was pulled out of class to talk about this, and that the mum has contacted you direct subsequently. Explain that DD doesn't want to be friends with Sarah, that there is a history of Sarah being unpleasant to DD and causing her unhappiness, and you don't want DD pushed to be friendly or hang around with Sarah because of the negative experiences in the past and her negative behaviour currently. You are pleased that DD has managed to break away from her and has developed new independence and a new group of friends, and you can see how much happier DD is now. You can say that whilst DD tries to be civil, she doesn't like Sarah because of how she has treated her (bullied her?)in the past and you think the interests of both the girls will be best served if they keep their distance and forge separate friendships. Tell them DD is coming under pressure from Sarah and you'd appreciate some support with this as you think it's inappropriate for Sarah and her mother to be pressuring DD like this.

Year 7 is brutal for this. I think kids do still need some guidance around friendships but not to be forced to be friends with others. Rather to be tactful if friendships split apart and so forth. The mum really hasn’t got the memo on this one. I’d have to sit on my hands not to respond as even a kind response is likely to be twisted against your dd.

I think the above is good advice. I would add that your dd tried to befriend Sarah at the start of the school year and Sarah wasn’t interested. It actually makes your dd look really mature and empathetic and hopefully ensure your dd isn’t put in a position of being forced to be Sarah’s emotional support animal.

If your dd is pulled out of class again and the school try any further tactics, they really will be reaching beyond their remit. It is for the school and Sarah’s mum to support her, not an 11 year old child, who just happened to attend the same primary school.

Velmy · 21/04/2025 03:54

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

Show quote history

They've already suggested that they be friends. You need to tell them what happened and that they need to stop suggesting it.

Manipulating two kids who don't get along into a friendship might work for six year olds, but it won't work now. If anything, it'll cause more division.

I do have some empathy for the girl's mum in that it must be tough to see your daughter become isolated. But it's on her now to figure out why that it; trying to force her kid into a friendship that doesn't exist isn't the way.