Page 9 | She’s not dd(11)s problem?

juneisjuly · 2025-04-20T21:38:08+00:00

Dd(11) was one of two girls from her primary to go to this secondary. Dd and the other girl (that I’ll call Sarah) weren’t friends in primary, Sarah was basically head girl and was on occasion mean to dd eg would tell tales on her and refer to her as one of the boys excluding her from girl things. Dd already knew other girls in secondary school from out school groups and quickly made other friends. It’s seems Sarah hasn’t. Dd did hang out with Sarah for a while and attempt to include her with other friends at lunch and inviting out with them on a couple of occasions. But says she finds her difficult and says she either doesn’t say anything or is really negative, none of dd’s friends like Sarah or want to include her. After Christmas dd was called out of class and asked what was going on with her and Sarah, she explained and nothing else came from it. Dd has never been unpleasant to sarah. Sarah’s mum messaged me to ask if dd went out over Easter as Sarah was upset to have not done anything. I said that dd has gone out with friends and that I just don’t think her and Sarah are friends, they never were in primary and haven’t clicked now. She’s said she’s going to have to go to the school as it’s not fair that Sarah is being excluded and the ‘primary school name’ girls should stick together. I dont think Sarah is dds problem and that she shouldnt have to be friends with Sarah or hang out with her. AIBU?

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 20:27

MumChp · 20/04/2025 22:42

Your daughter tried to include Sarah.
It's not her job. Let the school handle it.

Agree, she is not your daughters problem, maybe this girl can’t make friends as the other girls can sense she is not very nice

I would encourage your daughter to be pleasant to her but she should in no way be forced to be friends with her

Horses7 · 21/04/2025 20:30

YANBU - leave your daughter alone and ask school to do the same if it continues.

AlertCat · 21/04/2025 20:30

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

Show quote history

First of all, at this point in the school year, if Sarah only “properly knows” girls she was at primary with, something has gone wrong for her that goes much further than this relationship with OP’s dd.

Second, secondary schools don’t tend to do this IME. They’re more likely to work with the child who feels isolated and suggest things that they could do to help themselves.

IF this school come back to your dd and say she should help Sarah by hanging out with her (I think that’s unlikely), at that point you go back and say look, dd has tried to support Sarah despite difficult history, and she is difficult to get along with, so dd and her friends no longer want to try.

Whooowhooohoo · 21/04/2025 20:43

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:47

There is empathy.
If it was the other way around and my dd was struggling to make friends, I would look at why and then help her to try and make them not expect another 11 year old to sort it for us.

Show quote history

Don’t get involved.
when the mum tries to get you involved. Let her know school is handling it.

the end.

WyrdyGrob · 21/04/2025 20:44

Tassys · 21/04/2025 08:11

YOU contact the school immediately and make a request to speak to the Safe Guarding lead, and make it very clear to them that the girls were NOT friends in primary.
That your daughter did try to be inclusive but the girls have nothing in common.

That you do not want your daughter pulled from class again about this issue.
Your daughter has freedom to choose her friends in school and YOU will be very upset if the school in any way tries to bully, intimidate or influence her friendship group.

It is not your daughters job to force a friendship with someone from her primary school who actually wasn't very kind to her during those years.

Make it very clear you will be into the school immediately if there is any hint of your child being approached.

Tell the school you were approached by the other parent with the threat of going to the school again because your daughter didn't socialise with her over the holidays in her private time.

Make it clear that you will view any further discussion on this matter as harassment of your child and family.

Sarah's mother has no business contacting you or thinking she gets to dictate what your child does during her school holidays.

Take this very seriously.

Edited

I think this is perfect.

id add that when you speak to the school, be explicit that this feels like a straight up continuation of the previous bullying, with the pair of them attempting to use the school as a proxy.

PorridgeEater · 21/04/2025 20:45

It is not the school's place to dictate your daughter's friendships. If she has done what she can that's all that can be expected, and it is not fair to call her out of class to put pressure on her.
Sarah's mum will have to find other ways to help Sarah make friends.

ButterCrackers · 21/04/2025 20:46

It’s not your dd problem or yours. Sarah has to make her own friends.

m00rfarm · 21/04/2025 20:57

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 20/04/2025 22:41

Ask yourself how you would feel if it were the other way around and it was your DD struggling to make friends and being excluded. It’s not your DDs problem, but some empathy might not hurt.

What a terrible response. The DD had already tried, and it had not worked. She is 11 years old and trying to work her own way through a new school. She is NOT responsible for "Sarah".

Cannotbelievepeoplecanbesojudgemental · 21/04/2025 21:14

I may be in the minority, but I am reading this post differently. Everyone is assuming that Sarah is mean. Why? She 'told' on her daughter and was head girl. Neither of these things make her a mean girl.
I'm not saying that someone should be forced to be friends but I think some comments are harsh.

Highly likely scenario is that Sarah is very unhappy as she hasn't any friends. She has tried to join your daughter but her friends don't like her because she's 'quiet '. Once again, not exactly 'mean girl ' behaviour. For her mum to message you, she must be concerned.

Member984815 · 21/04/2025 21:14

LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2025 00:01

Drop an email.to her tutor or head of year. Explain you've been contacted by Sarah's mum as she has concerns about her child - however you do not want your child brought into it as despite coming from the same primary, they were not friends there and previous attempt to include her in your child's current groups has failed.

Your child is not responsible for another child's friendships or lack of.

This is good advice

diddl · 21/04/2025 21:28

Cannotbelievepeoplecanbesojudgemental · 21/04/2025 21:14

I may be in the minority, but I am reading this post differently. Everyone is assuming that Sarah is mean. Why? She 'told' on her daughter and was head girl. Neither of these things make her a mean girl.
I'm not saying that someone should be forced to be friends but I think some comments are harsh.

Highly likely scenario is that Sarah is very unhappy as she hasn't any friends. She has tried to join your daughter but her friends don't like her because she's 'quiet '. Once again, not exactly 'mean girl ' behaviour. For her mum to message you, she must be concerned.

Whatever has or hasn't happened, Sarah's mum is phoning Op's mum about what her daughter had done in the holiday.

That is absolutely not her business at all.

Does she think that Op's daughter has forbidden the whole class from seeing Sarah during the holidays??

Cannotbelievepeoplecanbesojudgemental · 21/04/2025 21:38

Why do so many 'adults' want to call an 11 year old child a bully for telling tales? How is this repeated bullying?

Rightsraptor · 21/04/2025 22:01

There's too much interference in children's friendships/non-friendships by adults. Unless it's getting really nasty they should sort it out themselves.

No, kids from the same primary school should NOT stick together, especially if there's only two of them. How claustrophobic is that? They used to be split up precisely so they formed new friendships. Sarah is now reaping what she sowed. You can't force friendships.

PensionedCruiser · 21/04/2025 22:54

WyrdyGrob · 21/04/2025 20:44

I think this is perfect.

id add that when you speak to the school, be explicit that this feels like a straight up continuation of the previous bullying, with the pair of them attempting to use the school as a proxy.

Show quote history

Yes, this exactly.

WoodyOwl · 21/04/2025 23:25

Sarah's mum is being very unreasonable here. Why wait until the last day of the holidays to bring it up? If she was that bothered, why not say "Sarah - do you want to invite a friend over?" on the first day of the hols?

Botanybaby · 22/04/2025 07:17

What does her mother expect the school to do
Force her bratty kid on to someone till they stick?

You are right your daughter Is not this girls problem and your daughter should not be punished because Sarah is a bit of a cow

Cannotbelievepeoplecanbesojudgemental · 22/04/2025 08:51

This girl is 11! Don't compare her to the 16 year old girls that we all remember from school. It is upsetting to read so many people saying that an 11 year old deserves to have no friends. When we read about children that are isolated ( like Sarah) spiralling downwards with their mental health, this is how it begins.
I am not suggesting that this child must be her friend, but i would expect a little kindness and compassion from the OP. The fact she is so blaise about it makes me question her version of primary school.

FuzzyYellowChicken · 22/04/2025 09:35

Cannotbelievepeoplecanbesojudgemental · 22/04/2025 08:51

This girl is 11! Don't compare her to the 16 year old girls that we all remember from school. It is upsetting to read so many people saying that an 11 year old deserves to have no friends. When we read about children that are isolated ( like Sarah) spiralling downwards with their mental health, this is how it begins.
I am not suggesting that this child must be her friend, but i would expect a little kindness and compassion from the OP. The fact she is so blaise about it makes me question her version of primary school.

I agree. It's awful reading some of the stuff on here sometimes.

While I agree that parents don't need to get involved like this girls mum has (and that no child HAS to be friends with anyone they don't want to), I know the desperation of seeing your child depressed because they have no friends and that feeling of knowing there is little you can do.. this parent has obviously thought that she must take some kind of action (rightly or wrongly)

The "bullying" was hardly extreme in any way, and we don't know exactly what happens at school. Could be just a kid who made a few mistakes at a time when hormones are starting to change etc. dont really agree with a young child being called a "cow".

diddl · 22/04/2025 09:42

this parent has obviously thought that she must take some kind of action (rightly or wrongly)

But that action seems to be directed at one other girl only.

In a class of probably 30 there must be someone else?

FuzzyYellowChicken · 22/04/2025 12:09

diddl · 22/04/2025 09:42

this parent has obviously thought that she must take some kind of action (rightly or wrongly)

But that action seems to be directed at one other girl only.

In a class of probably 30 there must be someone else?

You are missing my point completely

Thisisittheapocalypse · 22/04/2025 18:06

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

Show quote history

BUt she isn't the only girl Sarah properly knows. She's been in secondary for 2 terms now and had all kinds of opportunities to make friends: form time, classes, clubs, extra-curriculars. It is NOT your daughter's problem to solve for her.

Khayker · 22/04/2025 18:19

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:47

There is empathy.
If it was the other way around and my dd was struggling to make friends, I would look at why and then help her to try and make them not expect another 11 year old to sort it for us.

Show quote history

That may be the problem. Mum 'expects' everything to carry on as it did in primary school. Big fish in a small pond is now small fish in a big pond. Your daughter sounds like a balanced child who was probably prepared for comp by not being the centre of attention whilst in primary. The other girl and her mum need to realise everything changes when you get to secondary school. Not your responsibility but someone needs to tell mum her daughter needs to sink or swim and decide quickly. Comp is a big ocean for someone who can't/won't swim.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 22/04/2025 18:28

juneisjuly · 20/04/2025 22:55

But it will if she’s suggesting that dd is excluding Sarah and dd is the only girl Sarah properly knows.

dd has already been called out of class once, I don’t want her to be made out to be the bad guy. I can see how the obvious solution for the school to Sarah’s mum kicking up a fuss about her having no friends is to suggest be her friend.

Show quote history

OP, similar thing happened in a school I was a governor in.

The parent of the child who was being expected to create a friendship group and include another student actually phoned the class teacher and explained the wider context of the friendship (or lack of) and how it wasn’t really fair to expect her child to ‘fix’ this situation without the other child and staff acknowledging the wider issues including the other child’s own behaviour towards others and how that was creating ambivalence. Not suggesting you have to go running to school but it may be worth speaking to a pastoral lead or the staff who spoke to your child and explain.

Hope this situation is resolved soon for all involved as I imagine both your child and Sarah are both experiencing some level of emotional distress right now.

laraitopbanana · 22/04/2025 18:38

So…the mum wants to fault your DD because her DD hasn’t made friends.
AND her way to deal with that is to contact the school to force your DD inviting her when she is not welcomed????

stir crazy. Just stop answering to her 👀 You saying they aren’t not friends gives her rope…just ignore, ignore, ignore.

MadeInYorkshire69 · 22/04/2025 18:44

DelphiniumBlue · 20/04/2025 23:05

Maybe speak to the school, explaining that you are aware that DD was pulled out of class to talk about this, and that the mum has contacted you direct subsequently. Explain that DD doesn't want to be friends with Sarah, that there is a history of Sarah being unpleasant to DD and causing her unhappiness, and you don't want DD pushed to be friendly or hang around with Sarah because of the negative experiences in the past and her negative behaviour currently. You are pleased that DD has managed to break away from her and has developed new independence and a new group of friends, and you can see how much happier DD is now. You can say that whilst DD tries to be civil, she doesn't like Sarah because of how she has treated her (bullied her?)in the past and you think the interests of both the girls will be best served if they keep their distance and forge separate friendships. Tell them DD is coming under pressure from Sarah and you'd appreciate some support with this as you think it's inappropriate for Sarah and her mother to be pressuring DD like this.

This is the response I would make too 👆