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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward shopping trip with MIL

395 replies

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 20/04/2025 14:36

Well that would put me off him for life.
I bet he would even tell her the next day how it went if you did buy some.
Weirdly feels incestuous. Or is that just me ?
How did he think this was normal behaviour? How did she !!

Bobnobob · 20/04/2025 14:38

I can’t think of anything that would put me off sex more than the fact my husband had been moaning to his mother that he wasnt getting any AND that he’d been discussing my insecurities with her. Ick ick ick.

AngelicKaty · 20/04/2025 14:39

9YearsOfPain · 20/04/2025 13:21

It took 9 years for my episiotomy scar to heal and not to become an open wound if I climbed more than 1 flight of stairs.

DC is now 14. DH is still here.

Not all men are (literal) dicks.

(Had he sent MIL in as a flying monkey he’d have been divorced sooner than he could say “shag”.)

Edited
Show quote history

Dear God, that sounds horrendous! I sincerely hope you're fully healed now. You clearly have one of the good guys in your DH who's capable of putting empathy for your situation above his own needs - they do exist!

Auldy · 20/04/2025 14:45

Posted in wrong thread so I've deleted.

kkloo · 20/04/2025 14:46

ThatGladTiger · 20/04/2025 14:09

Going against the grain here.

YANBU to be annoyed, but to me it sounds like your husband was being clumsy/desperate than anything sinister.

Talk to him! He is your husband and father of
your baby. You should be able to have a discussion about your sex life or lack of it.

Why assume that they haven't spoken about it?

She said in the OP initially he was understanding and now he's frustrated about it, so it sounds like they have spoken about it, and probably plenty of times.

He's now put her in a position where she'll be uncomfortable discussing it with him in case he runs back to give his mother the update.

AngelicKaty · 20/04/2025 14:47

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/04/2025 14:08

I can remember a boyfriend - who had very nice taste - took me to a swanky lingerie store and bought me a set. When he went to pay there was another set on the counter - very different size and tiny. A tiny, tiny thong.
I asked him had he got the size wrong?
And he said… It’s for my mum. Just because she’s a mum doesn’t mean she can’t feel sexy.
She was 50.
Not dissing the demographic, I’m in it now, but it was weird.
Next time I saw her I couldn’t look her. Picturing Jean’s g-string under her mint green viscose shift dress and jacket wasn’t for me!

Edited

😱 OMG, that's even creepier than OP's story!

RealityContinuesToRuinMyLife · 20/04/2025 14:49

I imagine, after 7 months, he must have been desperate if he’s gone to his DM for advice about how to help you improve your body confidence so you can regain intimacy but, fuck me, that is astoundingly awful.

dunroamingfornow · 20/04/2025 14:51

She actually said “he has been working hard”?! It’s unbelievable . So wrong on every level 🤢

kkloo · 20/04/2025 14:54

PhilomenaPunk · 20/04/2025 14:32

OP this is one of the most awful things I have read on here. You are not a broken down appliance that needs fixing, and the fact that your husband is discussing your sex life with his mother, and they planned this intervention with you demonstrates their utter lack of respect for you.

That's exactly what it comes across like, an intervention, like they've decided '7 months is enough now, time to get back to it'.

BangersAndGnash · 20/04/2025 15:03

OP, do you think the ficus from your DH and MIL was ‘DH needs his sex life back’ or was it based on your DH feeling upset for you that you feel self conscious/ unhappy with your body and that MIL taking you to an attractive lingerie store could help you regain confidence in your body?

There’s a difference, INO. One is downright yuk and out of order, the other us misguided but with supportive intentions.

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 15:06

kkloo · 20/04/2025 14:54

That's exactly what it comes across like, an intervention, like they've decided '7 months is enough now, time to get back to it'.

Show quote history

Well… unless there are some serious birth injuries, it really isn’t unreasonable to think that after 7 months, some intimacy should return to the marriage. If it doesn’t, and this continues, then there is a big problem.

This whole situation is wrong, he was wrong and his mum was really wrong. It’s all be handled so badly. What’s not wrong, is wanting intimacy 7 months after a baby.

Neitherherenorthere1 · 20/04/2025 15:09

I'm sorry to jump on and share my story.

My ex husbands father sat down and told me that their men (he used their family surname) have a high sex drive and I should be offering it more often otherwise I fail as a wife.

On a separate occasion, my ex mother-in-law also advised me how to be more attractive to my ex husband in bed and how I dress was not appropriate (in and out the bedroom) and that I needed to be more sexy and not wear my granny pants (black shorts).

I should add my ex in-laws were divorced due to infertility but thought It best to advise me to be better so their son wouldn't stray. He did throughout my marriage but that's another story. I'm sure that was down to me not offering sex often enough though. lol.

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 15:09

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 15:06

Well… unless there are some serious birth injuries, it really isn’t unreasonable to think that after 7 months, some intimacy should return to the marriage. If it doesn’t, and this continues, then there is a big problem.

This whole situation is wrong, he was wrong and his mum was really wrong. It’s all be handled so badly. What’s not wrong, is wanting intimacy 7 months after a baby.

Show quote history

Well, he’s really done his level best to ensure that sex won’t be resuming any time soon, hasn’t he?

MsCactus · 20/04/2025 15:11

Omg this is disgusting! I can't believe he asked his mum to do that and she did!

Grossly inappropriate. Honestly, I'd make him move out for a while for that. Horrendous

Thisisittheapocalypse · 20/04/2025 15:11

I'd be packing his bag and asking him to spend some time with his mother while you have a think about your relationship and how grossly inappropriate he was to talk to his mother about his sex life with post-baby.

And make marital counselling a non-negotiable.

sweetgingercat · 20/04/2025 15:12

Inappropriate and horrible in every way. She should have been telling him about how demanding it is on your body to give birth, how common it is to not want sex while you are overwhelmed looking after a baby. Instead she says your h has been working hard and deserves a shag.

That would be a big fat no from me for now on.

FlowerFairy12 · 20/04/2025 15:12

I think my vagina just dried up on your behalf 😦 He’s basically getting his mum to be his wingman (woman) so he can get his willy wet??!! How awful.

FOJN · 20/04/2025 15:16

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 13:31

No, that’s not what I did.
I understand that some people struggle with nuance and can’t actually have a conversation which isn’t simply black or white. But you’re an adult so by now, you should have recognised that you struggle to see the bigger picture have have a discussion with opposing viewpoints when both actually do have rights and wrongs, and you should just keep quiet rather than bulldoze through those conversations when you can’t understand them.

Show quote history

That's exactly what you did. The OP did not ask for advice on how to deal with the lack of sex in her marriage, she asked if she was unreasonable to find her MIL's behaviour inappropriate. She did not ask for your thoughts on the bigger picture.

Your patronising tone is wasted on me but if it gives you a warm glow if superiority feel free to fill your boots.

1apenny2apenny · 20/04/2025 15:19

Thats shocking OP 🙁. I’d be interested to know how old your MIL is and is this a cultural thing?

I’m nearly 60 and if my DS asked me to do this he’d be getting told in no uncertain terms why it was inappropriate and unacceptable. Although I know he would never do this!

MoominMai · 20/04/2025 15:34

YANBU whatsoever! Oh gosh, this must be the mother of all icks.

brombatz · 20/04/2025 15:40

Eugh.

I'm a bit of an oversharer but this is beyond the pale. I've never been shopping with my Mil, have a huge stomach and can't stand lingerie-type kecks...I'd sort your sex life out but maybe with someone else (in time)! Eugh....that's dreadful.

Sugargliderwombat · 20/04/2025 15:46

Well that's vomit inducing. I wouldnt be having sex again any time soon.

SplendidUtterly · 20/04/2025 15:49

Ick!!!!!

FleaBeeBob · 20/04/2025 15:52

Mum my wife isn’t giving me sex and I need it otherwise I’ll die help your adult son please mum

Is he looking fit for you?

what a twat

Cardamomandlemons · 20/04/2025 15:53

LoafofSellotape · 20/04/2025 11:51

Omg that's awful!! Fuck them both as pp said, absolutely outrageous!

Actually don't fuck either would be my advice