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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward shopping trip with MIL

395 replies

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

OP posts:
Darkambergingerlily · 20/04/2025 13:32

That’s fucking hideous. I could just about take it from dh but having an older woman figure giving me lingerie advice VOMIT. The rudeness of it all

MrsEndeavourMorse · 20/04/2025 13:36

MasterBeth · 20/04/2025 11:49

He sent your mum in as his surrogate to tell you you need to cover up your post-pregnancy stomach with sexy underwear??!

Fuck him.
Fuck his mum.

You need strong words with him and get his mum to keep her beak out. None of her business.

That's not how I read it. I read it to mean if she feels insecure at her body she can cover it with this then they can start having sex again.

Still weird and a bit of lingerie won't suddenly get you in the mood. Even worse telling his mother about it.

ItGhoul · 20/04/2025 13:37

He told his MOTHER to take you lingerie shopping because you hadn’t had a shag since the baby?

And she agreed?

They’re a pair of utter weirdos and I doubt I’d ever want to shag him again.

yikesnotagain · 20/04/2025 13:44

Omg! Think my vagina would clamp shut forever.

Absolutely horrendous, OP. I think I'd find this quite hard to get over!

WessexPrincess · 20/04/2025 13:45

Every time I think I can't be surprised by the shitness of some men...

MummyJ36 · 20/04/2025 13:45

“He has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time”

THATS A HARD NO FROM ME DAWG.

🤮

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/04/2025 13:46

Yeah tell him it's the least sexy thing you have ever experienced and that it's a massive turn off and he'd better hope you can disassociate his mum from your head whenever you think of sexy lingerie or he'll be waiting a long time!

UpMyself · 20/04/2025 13:50

@WessexPrincess ,quite.

Mentioning to his mum, if probed, that intimacy was missing. - not great.
Mentioning it unprobed - out of order.
Asking his mum to suggest you get sexy lingerie - YUK
His mum actually suggesting you get sexy underwear - Words fail me.

SlightlyJaded · 20/04/2025 13:50

His mother as his 'wingman'...

😳

Roselilly36 · 20/04/2025 13:51

Bloody hell this cant be real can it? If so what on earth is your MIL thinking, absolutely no business of her’s at all. Talk about overstepping massively. I would be furious.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/04/2025 13:54

Honestly it would be divorce because I would never be able to think of him intimately in any way without thinking about his mother doing this.

I can't see how this is recoverable op, sorry.

Catsandcannedbeans · 20/04/2025 13:59

Whenever I read a MIL post on here I always try and imagine putting myself in the MIL’s shoes. I cannot imagine what goes through the head of a woman who behaves like this. If my son tried to get me to do his bidding to get his wife to be “sexier” for him after birthing his child I’d be fucking horrified and wondering where I went wrong. I hope your okay OP, that sounds like a really horrible shopping trip.

AngelicKaty · 20/04/2025 14:06

@Harriett9 I've voted YANBU because your DH shouldn't have been discussing this with his DM, much less her interfering like this (particularly when it was a ruddy set-up!). However, you wrote "My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach" so why didn't you come up with this idea yourself? Wearing gorgeous lingerie that covers up the parts you feel uncomfortable about, but enables you to resume intimacy with your DH seems ideal to me. Unless, of course, you're not yet ready to resume your sex life for other reasons (exhaustion?) which is your absolute right too.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 20/04/2025 14:08

Your husband is too immature to have a conversation with you about your joint sex life & how you both feel.
BUT he's happy to involve his Mum & get her to take you lingerie shopping, like that will "solve" everything!

Yuck! That would give me the serious ick!

He has acted inappropriately & immaturely sharing details of your personal life with his mother. He's way out of line.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 20/04/2025 14:08

I can remember a boyfriend - who had very nice taste - took me to a swanky lingerie store and bought me a set. When he went to pay there was another set on the counter - very different size and tiny. A tiny, tiny thong.
I asked him had he got the size wrong?
And he said… It’s for my mum. Just because she’s a mum doesn’t mean she can’t feel sexy.
She was 50.
Not dissing the demographic, I’m in it now, but it was weird.
Next time I saw her I couldn’t look her. Picturing Jean’s g-string under her mint green viscose shift dress and jacket wasn’t for me!

ThatGladTiger · 20/04/2025 14:09

Going against the grain here.

YANBU to be annoyed, but to me it sounds like your husband was being clumsy/desperate than anything sinister.

Talk to him! He is your husband and father of
your baby. You should be able to have a discussion about your sex life or lack of it.

HunnyPot · 20/04/2025 14:12

Your MIL wanted to pick out lingerie for her son to fuck you in?

What the fuck is wrong with women?

peacocktail · 20/04/2025 14:12

They are completely batshit

AngelicKaty · 20/04/2025 14:20

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 12:04

He told his mum to take tell you to have sex with him. That’s what it boils down to.

I don’t agree with the previous poster who said he told her to buy you clothes which cover your post baby body. He isn’t the one with the issue with your body, he doesn’t want it covered up. You have an issue with your new body and he probably thinks that you’d be more comfortable if you could keep your stomach covered. I think that’s the only part of this that isn’t gross; he was thinking about trying to make you feel more comfortable and thought if you had new underwear that covered you, then you wouldn’t feel as self conscious.

Please don’t misunderstand me; he was wrong. It’s all so totally wrong. He told his mum about your sex life, then he told her about your insecurities, then organised for her to take you lingerie shopping for things which would cover your stomach in the hopes you’d wear it and then feel comfortable to have sex with him. He didn’t sit down and talk to you like an adult and find a way through this, he arranged for his mum to make this really awkward situation.

It was all wrong. But, the underlying issue… you won’t have sex with your husband. He didn’t agree to a sexless marriage and no one should stay in one unless it’s a choice they have made. That doesn’t really apply yet as you’ve just had a baby so it’s not that situation, but you don’t want it to become that situation. How is intimacy otherwise? Are you working back towards being close together again? Is there touching and kissing and kindness and everything else? It is a problem and it does need to be addressed for a happy marriage, you can’t expect him to simply accept this and carry on without a word. That doesn’t mean have sex with him. It means communication and finding a way for you both to be comfortable and for things to start back up again in some way, or you may be having a very different discussion in a year’s time.

Excellent post - I totally agree, particularly the part where you highlight (as I did in my previous post) that OP wrote "My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach" which she has undoubtedly told her DH too and he has obviously passed this on to his DM, hence her mentioning it in the lingerie shop. 😱 It's OP who doesn't like her post-pregnancy stomach, not her DH.
What's really stupid is that, instead of involving his DM in this subterfuge (which I'd be livid about), he could have bought OP some lingerie he thought she might like and feel comfortable in (and he'd have probably got the right size too!).

Bourbonbonbon · 20/04/2025 14:22

I don't think I'd ever be able to sleep with him again. What it says about his boundaries and immaturity, never mind their lack of respect for your autonomy, is awful.

Loub1987 · 20/04/2025 14:24

I would lose my mind if this happened to me.

Sorry OP, that’s horrible

FigTreeInEurope · 20/04/2025 14:29

I thought we were having a lazy sunday. I just showed my wife this thread, and she shouted at me about it for five minutes, and stormed out. I think it's safe to say most people would be outraged by this.

KellySeveride · 20/04/2025 14:31

Ew this would make my fanny clamp shut. Not the fact that he’s sad about his sex life, he is allowed to be sad about that, but the fact he got his mother involved!

PhilomenaPunk · 20/04/2025 14:32

OP this is one of the most awful things I have read on here. You are not a broken down appliance that needs fixing, and the fact that your husband is discussing your sex life with his mother, and they planned this intervention with you demonstrates their utter lack of respect for you.

Waterbaby41 · 20/04/2025 14:36

YANBU to find that scenario grim. But after 7 months I'm not surprised your DH is missing sex. You need to talk and find a way forward that fits both of you.