Page 15 | Awkward shopping trip with MIL

Harriett9 · 2025-04-20T10:45:53+00:00

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday. I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently. My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’. When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes. AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

ItGhoul · 22/04/2025 16:09

exaltedwombat · 21/04/2025 17:53

So YOU gave embarrassment about your stomach as the reason for not wanting intimacy? They suggested a solution? Just so we’re clear.

The OP mentioned her stomach as one of the reasons she doesn't want to have penetrative sex yet.

Instead of having a conversation with her and helping her feel better about things, her DH then complained to HIS MOTHER that he isn't getting sex and asked her to try to make the OP have sex with him. A grown man went whining to his mummy about not getting his dick wet with his wife, and shared the OP's private insecurities and fears. His mother then told the OP that she must give her DH some 'alone time' now because he 'works hard' and therefore apparently deserves sex as a reward.

Just so we're clear. Your post misses out a quite a few details, the most important of which are that a) none of this was done for the OP's benefit and b) her husband shares intimate details of their sex life WITH HIS MOTHER.

LouiseK93 · 22/04/2025 16:13

That...is DISGUSTING. I can't say anymore than that, that's the most uncomfortable thing I've heard in a long time.

Comtesse · 22/04/2025 16:23

DH behaviour is dreadful. The whole family is overly enmeshed - knowing about sex lives of your adult children is flat out weird.

Playinwithfire · 22/04/2025 16:23

@CiscoTS You realize the women can choose to have sex or not.. If she is uncomfortable so be it, doesn't mean there is something wrong. It means her body and mind are STILL processing her traumatic birth on top of adjusting to motherhood with an incredibly selfish man. Whether it is 4 months, 9 months or a few years! It is still her choice, her body to decide to say no! Trauma is not something to get over!
The point is, he has no right to speak with his mother and his mother has no right to shame/guilt her about not having sex with him.
How about he sit with her and discuss or maybe even put a bit of effort in, as it seems he is not very emotionally intelligent or supportive.

Sex is not central to everyone's relationship. Society needs to understand that..

Flowerpower70 · 22/04/2025 17:50

Comtesse · 22/04/2025 16:23

DH behaviour is dreadful. The whole family is overly enmeshed - knowing about sex lives of your adult children is flat out weird.

Absolutely agree! I totally understand op. Similar story: Ages ago, I met a guy and dating about 6 months. We went shopping together to Debenhams and walked through the lingerie section. He picked up a red see through flimsy tiny lacy bra and matching thin g string and suggested I buy them to wear later that night. I said no because I don't like g strings and the bra wasn't suitable for my bust. He got very annoyed threw it down and stropped off and said fair enough. I explained I wouldn't be comfortable wearing it. I went home and met him later at his parents house for his mother's birthday party. During the meal she asked me to pop upstairs and she brought out her lacy lingerie and said "Do you like my new lingerie?".. then said she wears "sexy" lingerie as my boyfriends dad loves it when she wears racy undies. I was only young and mortified. She then added oh you're staying over night at my sons tonight... I've washed the bedding for you ready for tonight and said she would take me shopping to m and s the next day to buy some sexy racy lingerie. I was horrified that my boyfriend had been discussing our relationship with his mother. I asked him why he told her and he said its because he loves his mother and she was his best friend. Nevertheless we split up shortly after. I know that uncomfortable feeling it's awful.

Drummergirl1971 · 22/04/2025 20:10

Bobafett2020 · 22/04/2025 10:09

If you want to explain what I've missed go for it. As far as I can see you said everybody sexually coerces their partners, and it's actually quite funny and prudish if somebody calls it out.

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But I didn’t say that at all - that was your assumption & misreading

Do you think it’s maybe time you got a life now, rather than this tedious nitpicking?

Ownedbykitties · 22/04/2025 20:40

Yuk yuk yuk. That's disgusting. Your husband has given ME the ick. And your MIL went along with it? What is wrong these mothers that they think it's appropriate to agree to become part of the intimacy between their son and his wife. Yuk 🤢🤮🤮

Ownedbykitties · 22/04/2025 20:49

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 12:04

He told his mum to take tell you to have sex with him. That’s what it boils down to.

I don’t agree with the previous poster who said he told her to buy you clothes which cover your post baby body. He isn’t the one with the issue with your body, he doesn’t want it covered up. You have an issue with your new body and he probably thinks that you’d be more comfortable if you could keep your stomach covered. I think that’s the only part of this that isn’t gross; he was thinking about trying to make you feel more comfortable and thought if you had new underwear that covered you, then you wouldn’t feel as self conscious.

Please don’t misunderstand me; he was wrong. It’s all so totally wrong. He told his mum about your sex life, then he told her about your insecurities, then organised for her to take you lingerie shopping for things which would cover your stomach in the hopes you’d wear it and then feel comfortable to have sex with him. He didn’t sit down and talk to you like an adult and find a way through this, he arranged for his mum to make this really awkward situation.

It was all wrong. But, the underlying issue… you won’t have sex with your husband. He didn’t agree to a sexless marriage and no one should stay in one unless it’s a choice they have made. That doesn’t really apply yet as you’ve just had a baby so it’s not that situation, but you don’t want it to become that situation. How is intimacy otherwise? Are you working back towards being close together again? Is there touching and kissing and kindness and everything else? It is a problem and it does need to be addressed for a happy marriage, you can’t expect him to simply accept this and carry on without a word. That doesn’t mean have sex with him. It means communication and finding a way for you both to be comfortable and for things to start back up again in some way, or you may be having a very different discussion in a year’s time.

Who the hell would want to get back to having sex with a man who told his mother that his wife doesn't want to have sex after having a baby? And employed her to take his wife shopping for sexy underwear so he could have sex with her. It's a huge no from me.

MsDogLady · 22/04/2025 20:56

@Harriett9, you’ve had lots of feedback. What are you thinking about it all now?

Ownedbykitties · 22/04/2025 21:01

Playinwithfire · 22/04/2025 16:23

@CiscoTS You realize the women can choose to have sex or not.. If she is uncomfortable so be it, doesn't mean there is something wrong. It means her body and mind are STILL processing her traumatic birth on top of adjusting to motherhood with an incredibly selfish man. Whether it is 4 months, 9 months or a few years! It is still her choice, her body to decide to say no! Trauma is not something to get over!
The point is, he has no right to speak with his mother and his mother has no right to shame/guilt her about not having sex with him.
How about he sit with her and discuss or maybe even put a bit of effort in, as it seems he is not very emotionally intelligent or supportive.

Sex is not central to everyone's relationship. Society needs to understand that..

Well said.

Bobafett2020 · 22/04/2025 22:28

Drummergirl1971 · 22/04/2025 20:10

But I didn’t say that at all - that was your assumption & misreading

Do you think it’s maybe time you got a life now, rather than this tedious nitpicking?

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It's exactly what you said, it's right there in the thread, and you know it.

kkloo · 23/04/2025 03:02

Brushyourtabletagain · 22/04/2025 11:17

To me it just sounds like he thought another woman would be able to help you choose something to feel good about yourself, but was possibly not knowing how to broach the subject without you getting more paranoid about your stomach.
I wouldn't be bothered at all, I really don't see the problem
It sounds as if she was just tryiing to help you get your confidence back, and enjoy some time with your husband.
Take it positively rather than negatively.

Well he's an idiot then isn't he if he thought that that would help?

That's wonderful that you wouldn't be bothered and wouldn't see a problem, but the OP is bothered.

And no she should not take it positively, she's already had a valid reaction to it. Her husband and MIL are the ones who need to change their mindset on this and cop the fuck on. Not the OP.

Drummergirl1971 · 23/04/2025 05:57

Bobafett2020 · 22/04/2025 22:28

It's exactly what you said, it's right there in the thread, and you know it.

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I see you are ignoring advice to get a life

It’s not what I said & if you choose to believe that, that says more about you than me

Bobafett2020 · 23/04/2025 07:47

Drummergirl1971 · 23/04/2025 05:57

I see you are ignoring advice to get a life

It’s not what I said & if you choose to believe that, that says more about you than me

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I am able to have a life, and also spend 30 seconds sending the odd message as it happens. I guess if I misunderstood what you said you it would be simple enough to explain what I missed so unless you do that I can only assume I am right

Stolengnome · 23/04/2025 08:13

romdowa · 20/04/2025 11:57

I'd clamp shut forever more after that. Talk about the ick

This was my exact thought too. I just couldn't go there anymore, not after that 😫

Madamum18 · 23/04/2025 10:33

I am astounded that you DH feels it is ok to discuss this private matter between the two of you with his family ad friends! His frustration is NO excuse whatsoever. Meanwhile your MIL appears to have been told when her daughter resumed sex after her birth!(3 weeks is suspiciously short in my view btw, even with "easy" birth!) What on earth makes this family so interested in each others sex lives

Your problem is with him. Tell him that YOU are not comfortable with it being discussed and whether he agrees or not he should respect your views if he cares for you. And explain that you still don't feel ready and if he cares for you please could he "make do" with alternatives you can provide for the moment!

Drummergirl1971 · 23/04/2025 13:29

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pinkyredrose · 23/04/2025 13:33

Drummergirl1971 · 21/04/2025 20:04

Really? Then we’re all guilty of that 🙄

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Are you sure about that?

Playinwithfire · 23/04/2025 14:43

@Bobafett2020 I wouldn't engage any longer with the that person continued interaction would be as useful as arguing with a parrot trained in gaslighting.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/04/2025 14:49

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Do you really think that telling other posters that they are probably autistic obviously meaning this as an insult is reasonable behaviour?

Hols2024 · 23/04/2025 16:34

Marriage counselling as your husband has to have someone to talk to that isn’t mil and sil as that is totally inappropriate! Did he think buying sexy underwear with mil would make you want to have sex more?!? Hopefully an impartial counsellor will be able to help these communication issues and stop his inappropriate sharing! I wouldn’t be seeing mil and SIL for a long time and especially with SIL boasting about a perfect birth I would tell her I am glad her birth was perfect but she needs to work on her empathy!!!

Drummergirl1971 · 23/04/2025 17:26

thepariscrimefiles · 23/04/2025 14:49

Do you really think that telling other posters that they are probably autistic obviously meaning this as an insult is reasonable behaviour?

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Do you really think that constantly QT someone on the thread (me), nitpicking & nagging about a reply I sent is normal behaviour? At past 10pm last night & then again before 8am this morning? When I had made it clear that I did not want to discuss it further with them? Zoning in repeatedly on a minor point, instead of engaging with the OP? I’m autistic & 1 of the symptoms is stubbornness/rigidity & hyper focus, which @bobafett or whatever their handle is was displaying. They refused to take no for an answer.
if MN allowed you to restrict replies, or at least block/mute posters, like other SM sites do, this wouldn’t be an issue.

She’s not my mum, neither are you & it’s not your job, or any of the multitude of other 2 Penneth Worth’s to lecture other posters ceaselessly. It’s a form of harassment & nagging which @bobafett was criticising the OP’s DH for.

The focus of the thread is the OP - she doesn’t need her TL filled with the endless waffle of bossy, hectoring, patronising, petty posts to other posters about minor points of their thread

if their hobby is arguing, do it with their DH/DCs whoever

Drummergirl1971 · 23/04/2025 17:29

Playinwithfire · 23/04/2025 14:43

@Bobafett2020 I wouldn't engage any longer with the that person continued interaction would be as useful as arguing with a parrot trained in gaslighting.

Do you really think that constantly QT someone on the thread (me), nitpicking & nagging about a reply I sent is normal behaviour? At past 10pm last night & then again before 8am this morning? When I had made it clear that I did not want to discuss it further with them? Zoning in repeatedly on a minor point, instead of engaging with the OP? I’m autistic & 1 of the symptoms is stubbornness/rigidity & hyper focus, which @bobafett or whatever their handle is was displaying. They refused to take no for an answer.
if MN allowed you to restrict replies, or at least block/mute posters, like other SM sites do, this wouldn’t be an issue.

She’s not my mum & it’s not her job, or anyone else’s to lecture other posters ceaselessly. It’s a form of harassment & nagging which @bobafett was criticising the OP’s DH for.

The focus of the thread is the OP - she doesn’t need her TL filled with the endless waffle of bossy, hectoring, patronising, petty posts to other posters about minor points of their thread

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 23/04/2025 17:36

Absolutely not fucking ok!!!

Disgusting of your husband to get his mum to muscle in on the matter and as for SIL and her perfect labour/pussy.... She can fuck off too.

I'd be telling that man to get over himself and have a wank.

Idc what their friends partners cousins wives did after they had their babies but you have been traumatised by the experience and quite frankly, sex is the last thing you want to do with your body right now when you are healing.

Whynotaxthisyear · 23/04/2025 17:39

Oh God, DH is discussing your sex life with his immediate family, and complaining by the sound of it.
Perhaps MIL isn't getting much action of her own in that department. You could ask her, quite loudly, next time she leads you to the lingerie department.