Awkward shopping trip with MIL

[Harriett9]

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

OP clearly has never have confided in her MiL, she never asked for her help and doesn't want it. She deserves privacy. She has her own friends and her own mother, so let's not pretend the MiL was her only hope, or in any way trying to help OP. The MiL scolded her for not giving her hard working son sex. The MiL was only helping the very person who asked for her help - her son.

Well Mumsnet deleted your post as it broke their Talk Guidelines.

I'm sure OP doesn't need her TL filled with your posts supporting her husband, telling her off for actually seeking advice from Mumsnet because it wasn't fair to her DH to discuss what he had done and your ridiculously childish responses to other posters, e.g.

Ok Lastword Lisa, yadda yadda yadda, bla bla bla, whatever 🥱

🤣🤣🤣 ok Pope Pious IV, whatever

YAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNN 🥱

I understand what you're saying, and I understand that she felt awkward, and obviously they really need to have a talk.
Just sometimes people get things really wrong, even when they're trying to do good.
Obviously, I don't know this, not knowing their relationship dynamics etc etc.
He may be a total wanker, or he may be a but if a wanker, in that he was trying, and failing to do something right.
As I said before, and again not knowing if her husband and MIL are from a different culture or not, but I know from first hand experience that in some cultures, this sort of interference is totally normal and not seen as rude or inappropriate in the slightest.

And here you go again - doing the exact same, demonstrating the same childish behaviour that you criticise

I didn’t support her husband, or any of the other vitriolic nonsense in your reply

I advised honest, open communication with the DH & working together to find a solution

Your reply is full of vitriol & immaturity - who are you to lecture anyone else?

Idc if they deleted it or not, on the basis of Petty Patties reporting - so what? If that’s how they want to spend their time/life, good luck to them. It’s a waste of time afaic because it has no impact on me, and that’s why I won’t report your post, but maybe you would be better rereading your reply & taking a good, long, hard look at yourself

The only childish bits in my post are the direct quotes from you. Unlike you, I haven't resorted to childish name calling.

@Drummergirl1971 Oh, of course! How dreadfully offensive of her to challenge your ignorance by pointing out those pesky 'minor points' and holding you accountable. Clearly, that’s textbook harassment these days 🙄

You tell yourself that hun 🙄

“Holding you accountable” 🤣🤣🤣

Fanny clamped shut at this. No. Ick. No sex would be coming his way anytime soon. Fuck that

OP says in one of her follow-up posts that she is ‘seeing to him in other ways’ in bed. It’s only penetrative sex that they haven’t had.

I am shocked, SHOCKED that garden variety misogyny has somehow managed to flourish in British culture, the way it does in every other fucking culture. Imagine, if you will, a culture where a mother in law may think that DIL is just a second class citizen! Just a trumped up bang maid, who should put herself, her health, and her lack of desire in an atmosphere of whining and pressure, second to her precious little son. HE WORKS HARD Y'KNOW. Why, even though half the internet talks about such ancient creatures I thought they only existed on the legendary island of "open your legs and be a good girl". All the people on this thread wringing their hands and telling OP to lie back and imagine a man who isn't a mummy's boy, must be from another culture too.

He may just have said that you were feeling super sensitive about your post baby body and could she encourage you to buy something feminine to please you? Maybe it was just a loving gesture, he prob hasn’t discussed your sex life at all .

But that isn't what happened? She didn't take her shopping for a nice dress, or say something encouraging about her appearance. She took her shopping for lingerie and told her to have more sex with her hard working son. OP double checked with her husband what he had been saying when she got home, to make sure this wasn't coming from her, and he absolutely knew this was going to happen because he had talked to his mother.

This, and please report back.....

I can’t believe the amount of people who are shocked that a man talks to his mates and mum about the fact he’s not getting any….
Are you all telling me you’ve never had a conversation with your mums or friends about intimacy?
mits not the 1950’s anymore, we are allowed to discuss sex….

Have you considered that she or his sister might’ve simply asked if you were going to have a 2nd baby after such a traumatic birth and he might’ve just said jokingly ‘got to have sex to get pregnant’…. Or similar sort of discussions…. I’m pretty sure he didn’t call a meeting and announce the lack of sex!
Maybe he just asked innocently and out of concern how long after birth is normal… maybe he told them he didn’t want anymore children due to it being so traumatic for you.

Me and my friends discuss everything and anything, it’s not ick, sex isn’t a dirty word.

When you talk to your mum, do you then hatch a plan for her to present your DH with Viagra?

Are you just pretending not to get it? Or are you incapable of telling the difference between what you've described, and OP's husband who is;

• telling her he's discussing it with other people and comparing her negatively to other wives, and
• getting his family involved.

It's not just about discussing it though.

I'm sure lots of women discuss intimacy issues with their friends but would they then go back and tell their partner they told their friends that he had ED or didn't have any libido (after some significant event that might make a man lose their libido) and then say none of their partners who went through the same had to wait that long. He was trying to guilt her or shame her or manipulate her into doing it by telling her that.

And if he did make a stupid joke like that that isn't any better, she's 7 months PP, fair enough if it was a few years down the line.
And he knew his mother was going to try to 'help' and he either told her or allowed to do so.

That's very different than just discussing things with your family and friends.

This is coercive behaviour from all three of them. That is ABUSE. There are no ifs and buts. That is absolutely wrong. There is no well meaning in this, your husband has brought them in to a private matter to bully you into having sex before you want to. Before you are physically and mentally ready. I would make a record of all dates and times these things have been said, for a just in case you do decide to end this relationship.

Couldn’t have put it better myself!