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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

287 replies

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 20/04/2025 10:51

Do you honestly think thry are worth it?

Bearhunt468 · 20/04/2025 10:52

Please walk away. I didn't and wish I had. Clear signs in a person's flat when they live alone that they do not care and will not do anything if you live together. Do not have kids with this person.

gamerchick · 20/04/2025 10:53

This is your crystal ball into your future if you move in together. He waits now for you to come and clean up his shit. This will be your life forever if you carry on with this relationship.

FastnetLundyRockall · 20/04/2025 10:53

you are very far from being unreasonable , apart from that you were unreasonable to ever clean. Why should you clean somewhere you don’t even live? He is furious because he lost the free cleaning service and you rightly addressed this shite.

DoYouReally · 20/04/2025 10:53

If you are going to date "dirty & lazy", then you are going to get "dirty & lazy". This is who he is.

Life is too short to put up with it.

NuffSaidSam · 20/04/2025 10:53

OP he has done you the biggest favour.

You're free now. He isn't talking to you. That's the end of the relationship.

And be so thankful that it is. You've only wasted a year, it could be so much worse.

Onwards and upwards.

DeadsoulsAngel · 20/04/2025 10:54

First reply nails it. You will never be able to progress in this relationship, this is who he is, a slob. You can’t live with him, have kids with him etc as this is who he is. He wants you to do the cleaning for heavens sake! Instant ick!

wildlifeobserver1 · 20/04/2025 10:54

Doesn’t the state of his flat put you off him, seeing him live like that?

It’s also so cheeky of him to expect you to help him clean his mess. Surely it’s so obvious that if this relationship was to continue and you moved in together, the responsibility of cleaning will fall on you - because he „doesn’t mind” or „doesn’t see” the mess.

You’re lucky he’s shown you his true colours early on. Just bin him off, he sounds like a scruff and it’s embarrassing.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 20/04/2025 10:55

Yanbu - ltb xx

spicemaiden · 20/04/2025 10:55

You’re not telling him what to do with his own flat. You’re telling him you don’t like visiting his shit and him using you as a house maid.

Time to set a boundary: ‘That’s fine, you clean when you want. If you want to clean on Sundays that’s your prerogative. I just won’t be joining you. ‘

FortyElephants · 20/04/2025 10:58

What kind of future do you think you can have with this man? Imagine living with him...

Original poster
Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:58

wildlifeobserver1 · 20/04/2025 10:54

Doesn’t the state of his flat put you off him, seeing him live like that?

It’s also so cheeky of him to expect you to help him clean his mess. Surely it’s so obvious that if this relationship was to continue and you moved in together, the responsibility of cleaning will fall on you - because he „doesn’t mind” or „doesn’t see” the mess.

You’re lucky he’s shown you his true colours early on. Just bin him off, he sounds like a scruff and it’s embarrassing.

Edited

It does put me off him yeah, but I don’t understand how he’s like this because his clothes are always clean and ironed. He showers every day, he always smells nice. He is a professional man with a full time job.

I won’t carry on like that, which is why I brought it up. I thought, if he could change it then fair enough but if he won’t, I honestly don’t think I can carry on. But the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable and has me second guessing myself. It’s not nice to dread going to your boyfriend’s house.

OP posts:
PerkyGreenCat · 20/04/2025 10:58

Get rid, love! There are nice, kind men out there who will take you out on fun dates and cook and clean and give amazing orgasms. You're wasting your time on this idiot.

You know it's time to end it when you have to ask him to tidy his own living space. As if you've been spending your Sundays cleaning his flat! Fuck that! Find a man who takes you out for a Sunday roast instead.

If you stay with him, you'll end up like one of the many MN who constantly post about their lazy, shitty husbands asking how they can stop being a skivvy and make their darling husband have an ounce of respect for them. "He hasn't cooked or cleaned in 20 years of marriage but he's a great dad, what should I do?"

SamDeanCas · 20/04/2025 10:58

Cheeky fucker expecting you to help him clean his flat on a Sunday!

As others have said, this is your Time Machine and how it would be if you ever lived with him in the future.

thrown this one back and find one that sees you more of a partner and less like a maid

AnSolas · 20/04/2025 10:59

You and your boyfriend are not a good match as life partners.

If you want a FWB relationship you need to ignore his housekeeping and decide if the sex is worth the ongoing issue of a messy/dirty home.

But long term you will not change the way he has decided to live and he is unwilling to change.

FastnetLundyRockall · 20/04/2025 10:59

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:58

It does put me off him yeah, but I don’t understand how he’s like this because his clothes are always clean and ironed. He showers every day, he always smells nice. He is a professional man with a full time job.

I won’t carry on like that, which is why I brought it up. I thought, if he could change it then fair enough but if he won’t, I honestly don’t think I can carry on. But the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable and has me second guessing myself. It’s not nice to dread going to your boyfriend’s house.

Show quote history

He’s like this because he sees cleaning as your job, not his.

Original poster
Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:59

FortyElephants · 20/04/2025 10:58

What kind of future do you think you can have with this man? Imagine living with him...

I honestly can’t imagine living with him. I would hate it. I just wouldn’t do it. Which I guess tells me everything…

OP posts:
aylis · 20/04/2025 10:59

Oh no. He is literally using you for labour. That is your warning, please take it.

Trumptonagain · 20/04/2025 11:01

As he so rightly pointed our it's his flat to keep how he wants.

But....it's pretty obvious that he's been waiting for you to go over of a weekend so you can clean his flat with/for him.

Being Sunday today I expect his flat is a shit hole of a place and he's either sat at home wallowing in it or out and about looking for his next maid being as you haven't heard from him he's clearly not to bother whether he was wrong in the way he treated you.

Move on, leave him and his flat to enjoy each other's company.

MakingPlans2025 · 20/04/2025 11:03

He’s a lazy twat. You’re young: move on.

WaltzingWaters · 20/04/2025 11:03

gamerchick · 20/04/2025 10:53

This is your crystal ball into your future if you move in together. He waits now for you to come and clean up his shit. This will be your life forever if you carry on with this relationship.

Edited

Exactly this. Think hard if you want this to be your future. On the plus side, if he kept it clean to begin with, at least he “has the ability” to keep it clean, so perhaps an ultimatum would help, but I doubt it.

Tameys · 20/04/2025 11:05

Block his number.
He's clearly filthy and if you think living with him would be anything other than stressful, you are mad, totally mad.

That he got so angry with you is a huge red flag too.

Let him go. He's not a good prospect.

Pandimoanymum · 20/04/2025 11:08

He's personally clean and tidy because he makes the effort to shower and wash his clothes. Because he knows that being a smelly and untidily dressed person would affect his job and interactions with people outside his home. It's what society expects of us. But inside his home, that's where he can be totally himself and clearly his real self doesn't care about mess enough to clean it up. The fact he wasn't always like this shows that he was making an effort for you in the early days because he cared what you thought. Now he's got 'comfortable' with you he doesn't feel he needs to make that effort anymore. He's starting to take you for granted.

BeeCucumber · 20/04/2025 11:10

He sees you as his domestic help and if he is lucky, you might cook him a meal and have sex with him. Is this what you want out of this relationship?

BabyOrca · 20/04/2025 11:11

It wouldn't bother me that he's a slob necessarily.

But it's gross the way he's treating you like his mum or cleaner. "I'll wait for OP to come around so she can give it a good clean".