To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat”

he says "let's do a big clean"

Have a look at his two statements. He is furious at you telling (actually, asking) him to keep his flat clean. But he's happy to tell you that you are cleaning his flat!

I don't think this will get any better. If it does it will be temporary, as it was at first. The real him is a lazy slob who will live in filth unless there is a woman to clean up. And he expects you never to challenge or criticise him and will get angry with you to keep you in your place. Yuck.

If you can't imagine living with him, that tells you all you need to know, right? The relationship is going nowhere and he's stopped making the effort to keep his place in a decent state to impress you. Throw this one back in the sea!

I actually feel sick and not at all a clean freak. Please do yourself a favour and find someone better.

He doesn’t respect you, he isn’t going to change

I think being able to let your guard down and be yourself with a partner is very important in a relationship. It’s not healthy or sustainable to be making an effort all the time.

You clearly don’t like the relaxed version though - and that’s fine. This is a great example of why it’s important to date for a while and get to know someone before making life commitments. You need time to figure out which guys are naturally clean and tidy and which ones were putting on a show,

I’m voting that yabu - asking or expecting him to change for you is a terrible long term strategy that will lead you into a controlling and unsatisfactory dynamic.

But YAB entirely reasonable to want a boyfriend with decent standards of hygiene and respect for you. This guy isn’t the one.

He thought he was being so clever for a while there getting you to help him clean his mess on a Sunday, how convenient for him!

And now you've gone and ruined it and called him out on it, how dare you <totally sarcastic>

This with bells on

TAXI!!!

You sound like you’re doubting yourself and wondering if you’re the unreasonable one.
All the PP’s make very good points and you’re not being unreasonable. He is a man child who expects you to put up with a hovel then be his maid and clean it.
Run far and fast and never drop your standards this low again. You’re too young to settle for this.

But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

Why is he asking you to do half of the clearing up on a Sunday then?!

I would have refused to help in the first place and just gone home.

Please listen to what we are telling you.

It’s a crystal ball into your future with him.

Picture the scene, you with baby in arms or just come in from work, the house is a mess hes contributed to and him on his gaming machine or out with the boys. Hes angry with you for being upset and you’re finding it hard to cope. You go to bed crying.

Who the fk needs that? Nah, chuck him back OP. He’s not the one for you.

The writing’s on the wall. Walk away whilst you can or I guarantee you’ll be back here in a couple of years complaining again. Stop digging the hole for yourself.

Ditch him now. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a maid. Find a bloke who is either a)clean and tidy, or b)rich enough to employ a cleaner, and does so. There are clean and tidy men who pull their weight in the house, though they do seem a rarity!!

Stop going on a Sunday or stop going full stop until he grows up

Get rid.

Life’s too short to be a maid to a lazy mummy’s boy.

Have you thought that he may be depressed? Could there be a reason for this? Do not write him off immediately as others have suggested - being kind is more important that being tidy.

YABU to tell him to clean his flat rather than recognise it for what it is and walk away.

he gets sex and a cleaner. What do you get?

@Heatabove you have decided you don’t what to be with someone like that . So…
You say he has ignored you since Thursday ( punishment) does that mean you have been trying to get him to talk to you?
And now you have decided it’s over you are going to message and tell him so ?

Is he sick of the fact you only ever go to his flat? Do you share expenses when you're there?

Let’s say you two move together a few years from now. He is going to carry on living in the middle of mess and expecting you to clean. No thanks. Just dumb him. Life is too short for his mess.

So he already expects you to clean his mess up when you don't live with him - imagine what he'd be like living together.

He's massively entitled.

I bet if you say and thought about it these "let's do a big clean" days end with you doing more cleaning than him. I'd put money on that

But if he doesn't think you're worth having a lovely clean flat with a clean bathroom and fresh bedding then that's you told!

I’d say I’m the one sick of always going to his as I’m the only one doing al the travelling and the costs that come with it

Yuck. Ex boyfriend I hope.

I'd end the relationship, especially if I wanted marriage or children in the future. If he can't be arsed now he certainly won't be if you live together. You would be in for a lifetime of stress and resentment if you settled down with him.