To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

He got angry as you cottoned on to his scheme, and pulled it into daylight. Up until then, he thought he was onto a winner and that he had the ability to control you.

Newsflash ...he doesn't!

Block him and move on.

Cheeky mucky fucker.

him, not you.

I think it was a mistake to ask him to clean his flat. Not your place to tell him how to live

But, if you'd said that you didn't feel comfortable visiting a dirty flat, then he could choose whether to clean it, or accept you might end the relationship

And, outrageous he expected you to clean up on Sundays, in addition to cleaning your own house

I wish more men felt like this. A lot of men have fragile egos or something and see doing domestic chores as demasculating or have been socialised to believe it's not their responsibility. It's just showing basic respect to your partner

If its none of your business what he does in his flat and it's state, why is he asking you to clean it? Just repeat that back to him.

I think he views you as his cleaner now. You would dealing with his mess forever if you stay. Also being rude when you question him? Fuck that.

Sounds like a filthy dirty abusive pig. There are decent men out there.

He's using you as an unpaid cleaner on Sundays. Make him an ex.

You come to his and bring sex on tap to his - like Deliveroo only with sex. Surely you are not saying he should clean his flat before opening the door to Deliveroo with a meal? Well, this is the same.

This one is not a keeper.

Think this through OP.

What are the long term goals of this relationship? To move in together? To get married? To have children? If it's any of those then run and don't go back.

If it's to stay in separate households, have sex, and help clean as payment for the good(?) sex then stay. Maybe spice it up a bit and put a French Maid's outfit on every now and then.

What are you talking about? Deliveroo. The OP is a human being, not chicken chow mein.

Wow he will never change. He saves all
his housework as a special treat to you.

run run run run.

my husband has loads of issues but one of them I am truly grateful for is he is very clean and tidy!!

The same thing happened with me when i first met my partner. He was digusting and lived like a pig. However, I cleaned up when he went out to work (I was a student at the time and had spare time). I deep cleaned all the time and he was very grateful, but he wouldn’t do it himself. I knew that I wanted to spend time with him and if that meant I had to either live in filth, or clean, then that’s the sacrifice I made to be with him. Fast forward to us living together, ten years later, he is the opposite (I assume it’s from years of putting my foot down). People do change, he won’t necessarily be like this the rest of his life. You’ve bruised his ego by asking him to stop being a slob and clean up before you stay over, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request, but maybe you need to reflect on what is more important to you - being with him in a mess, or not being with him at all

@Heatabove

Ugh. Major ick. Ditch him now & leave him to his squalor & rancid food!

If he's not making effort this early into a relationship, it will only get worse...much worse. 🤢

Seriously, get rid as he sees you as a booty call and cleaner. He’s not going to change. If he cares, he’d do a clean up before you came. Stop being a mug/idiot and ditch him.

Yuck. You don't want to live with (and definitely not have kids with someone like that). He won't pull his weight and will have you doing all the work. Don't waste your time. Dump him now.

Dump him. Honestly that's the only answer here.

"not chicken chow mein"

or a cup of tea? some women set such a low bar @Maitri108, don't they?

What are his bed sheets like?
I bet they are rank. 😬

You are so right - this is exactly what I am on about!

I know! Such a strange thing to say.

I'd say he's in the minority. Most don't change. I'd also automatically get the ick from someone who lived in filth and even if I had all of the time in the world, I wouldn't be cleaning up after a man.

What you do is when he says “let’s have a big clean”, is say “no problem, I will leave you to it then” and go home. If he kicks off at that, then clearly he is using you a maid he can fuck. You’re not there to clean his mess up that he makes all week. Draw clear boundaries.

I would dump him personally-he is not a keeper.

He steps up like a reasonable human being or he ships out. I'd be long gone if I was you. But then I would never have got involved in cleaning HIS flat in the first place. Women on here often have subterranean levels of aceptance of rubbish from men.
By the way, his getting angry at your entirely reasonable request is him trying to push an important boundary about expectations. Don't let him get away with it.

He's using you as a shag/maid service. Throw him back!

You've told him to clean before you come over. You've said it once.

I'd go over again. But know before you set foot in the house, that you're turning around and walking out and going home if it's filthy.

Don't make a fuss, argue. Just tell him, no, I'm not staying if you haven't cleaned. And then leave. It'll probably be more effective than an argument.