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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

287 replies

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
GreenCandleWax · 20/04/2025 14:02

Potato1234 · 20/04/2025 13:36

The same thing happened with me when i first met my partner. He was digusting and lived like a pig. However, I cleaned up when he went out to work (I was a student at the time and had spare time). I deep cleaned all the time and he was very grateful, but he wouldn’t do it himself. I knew that I wanted to spend time with him and if that meant I had to either live in filth, or clean, then that’s the sacrifice I made to be with him. Fast forward to us living together, ten years later, he is the opposite (I assume it’s from years of putting my foot down). People do change, he won’t necessarily be like this the rest of his life. You’ve bruised his ego by asking him to stop being a slob and clean up before you stay over, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request, but maybe you need to reflect on what is more important to you - being with him in a mess, or not being with him at all

But what a lack of care or respect for OP from this miserable man. Not even caring enough about her to welcome her and make her feel comfortable at his. Definitely throw him back.

ilovepixie · 20/04/2025 14:05

Don’t move in with him. Leave now. A lazy man is good for no one.

Easipeelerie · 20/04/2025 14:06

The reason he’s clean and smells nice and he used to have a tidy flat when he first knew you is that he does what he need to appear as he should in front of people who matter a lot e.g. work colleagues and a new girlfriend.
He’s now showing you his true colours because he thinks he can get away with using you as his cleaner.
Time to get rid.

RidingAgain · 20/04/2025 14:08

Omg he would be the worst husband possible. And the absolute cheek of him to say “come on let’s do a big clean” on a Sunday to you as if he just expects you to be his cleaning lady.
you will really REALLY regret it if you end up staying with this disgusting lazy misogynistic pig.

LovingLimePeer · 20/04/2025 14:11

Gosh this man sounds dreadful. He should be trying to impress you as much as possible at this stage of a relationship! This would only worsen after you move in together or get married.

I saw my now- husband once a week when we worked in different areas of the country and he was your boyfriend's age. He spent the week cleaning and it was spotless /he'd washed sheets etc. when I arrived. He's a wonderful husband now -washes the kids'/his own clothes and does pretty much all the household cooking. I saw a glimpse and liked what I saw. It seems you have taken a glimpse of the future and don't like the look of it. If he is not receptive/responsive to criticism here, you're at risk of ending up being a skivvy to him as he won't help with housework/he might encourage this attitude in future children. If this doesn't change, get out as fast as you can.

Potato1234 · 20/04/2025 14:12

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/04/2025 13:56

I'd say he's in the minority. Most don't change. I'd also automatically get the ick from someone who lived in filth and even if I had all of the time in the world, I wouldn't be cleaning up after a man.

Show quote history

I was young and in love 😆 no way would I do this now

outerspacepotato · 20/04/2025 14:21

You're not unreasonable. It's not an unreasonable request to ask him to clean a bit before you come over when he lives in squalor.

But.

This is a big but.

He thinks you're unreasonable. Why? Because he sees you as his bangmaid. You go over there for the pleasure of having sex with him and cleaning up after him. You are there to do the work. He got mad when you didn't. That shows you your place in his life.

He lives amid mouldy food, he doesn't clean up spills, he's disgusting.

Lascivious · 20/04/2025 14:21

He’s giving you loud and clear warning of what living with him would be like. I’d run a mile.

Catsandcannedbeans · 20/04/2025 14:28

When me and DP first started living together, he had just come from living with his parents. I have been out on my own since I was a teen, and also come from a family where you do chores. My mum used to say “I birthed you so do the dishes”. When we moved in together we almost split up because he was a slob, so we sat down and literally drew up an agreement about who does what and when. It’s changed over the years and we are now on the 4th one. If you plan on ever moving in with him, I suggest you do this. People say it’s a bit Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory , and yes it is but it saves so many pointless arguments.
As for right now, I suggest you tell him how you feel, and explain you won’t be staying in a dirty apartment. If you’ve talked about moving in together, I would say you won’t be moving in and doing all his domestic labour so you need to see him prove he is capable of doing it.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 20/04/2025 14:32

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 11:12

This is what I said to him, I said he did it at the beginning so why not now? But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

Show quote history

Well there is your red flag right there. Lazy bastards don't change. More fool you for helping him clean. I'd have been right out of there the first time he suggested it. If it's "nothing to do with you", make that permanent. You will live to regret it if you don't!

PhilippaGeorgiou · 20/04/2025 14:40

I have voted that you are being unreasonable because he is right - it isn't up to you to comment on how he chooses to live or expect him to live as you wish. If you had said "should I take this as a red flag as to what any future with him would be like and walk away?" then I would have been voting to run like hell and find someone better.

Takersgonnatake · 20/04/2025 14:40

That’s so funny. You’ve been providing sex and free maid services? And when you’ve hinted that you don’t want to continue with the free cleaning service he’s gone ballistic and yet you’re here wondering if YOU are the unreasonable one?? If you like this guy enough to not dump him rn ( which is option one) then simply stop going round for the weekend to his doss house. Tell him you simply can’t face it in the state it’s always in. Lack of weekend sex will probably concentrate his mind enormously 🤣

Mudkipper · 20/04/2025 14:44

He’s obviously leaving it until you come round so he can land you with half the work. Bin him.

bigboykitty · 20/04/2025 14:50

I reckon he was having a cleaner round because he's a skanky bastard, but he's sacked her off now because he thinks you'll do it for free.

Canterranter · 20/04/2025 14:55

Op I just selected 'see all' your posts and am saddened that you're still wasting time on him. Why would you even bother carrying on with the relationship?

RealityContinuesToRuinMyLife · 20/04/2025 14:57

TheAmusedQuail · 20/04/2025 12:21

He's using you. He lured you in with clean-and-tidy, so he knows this is the acceptable standard, but now he wants a woman to do his dirty work.

If you stay with him, you'll end up being one of the women on Mumsnet complaining that your partner doesn't do his share around the house.

There is that very old saying, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

Just tell him you're not coming over if the flat isn't clean. And that needs to include the bed. Dirty = no girlfriend and definitely no sex.

Maybe if he learns this now, he can be better for his next girlfriend.

Yep. Lured you in and he has been trying to train you to do wife work.
You have glimpse of the future you’d have if you stay with him. In fact it would only get worse because, if you lived together, he’d suddenly be playing footie on Sunday or something and you’d be doing the lot, not just helping.

HomeTheatreSystem · 20/04/2025 14:57

There's nothing wrong with your stance on this: he wants to live like a pig, you don't. Tell him you're dumping him because of it as it's a total turn off for you. He may find a new but similarly minded gf who doesn't give a shit about mouldy burgers stinking the fridge out for weeks on end and will clean up his shit for him but that's not you (nor anyone else with an ounce of self respect.) Rest easy, you have every right to find this gross.

Uricon2 · 20/04/2025 15:02

He's got an unpaid cleaner with benefits. It's disrespectful and unappealing.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 20/04/2025 15:03

And you did NOT “tell him when to clean”. You let him know that you don’t enjoy spending half your weekend in a pigsty and half your weekend cleaning one. You told him this so that if he gave a shit about your feelings or had any remnants of self-respect, he could do something about it.
But he doesn’t care.
It’s that old “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” thing.

GingerPaste · 20/04/2025 15:04

He’s a knob. Block him.

florizel13 · 20/04/2025 15:05

Bearhunt468 · 20/04/2025 10:52

Please walk away. I didn't and wish I had. Clear signs in a person's flat when they live alone that they do not care and will not do anything if you live together. Do not have kids with this person.

This is so true. I wish I’d realised that.

Whatwouldnanado · 20/04/2025 15:05

You really deserve a lot better than this disrespectful lout. Find a house trained one.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 20/04/2025 15:06

He's a cheeky bugger. How dare he think you should help him do a big clean when you go to see him? Please don't end up marrying this man (if that was ever your plan) - you'll end up spending your entire life clearing up after him and getting more and more frustrated by it.
Seriously, ask yourself if he'd be happy if you were to do this when he came over to yours? I don't think so. He's an entitled manchild who thinks you should be grateful that he wants you to do this. Get out of this now and let him know exactly why. Maybe he'll then realise that he's ridiculous.

LlynTegid · 20/04/2025 15:07

YABU to remain with him. You are better off single.

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 15:08

Don't bother asking him to clean his apartment. I had one like this. The problem is, once things progress and you're living with them, you've got their mess 24/7 forever because they'll never ever clean up again. You'll always get sick of it long before they do. So you'll be doing all of the cleaning, tidying up their mess and literally all house chores forever and ever until you get sick of it and leave them. Please, just skip straight to the leaving part and save yourself years of misery. Find someone who actually cares about you and your comfort and is a halfway decent human being. This man isn't.