To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

Looks like you got yourself a voluntary cleaning job, @Heatabove !

This. And, OP, if I wanted to spend part of my weekends cleaning someone else’s space for free, I’d be doing it somewhere like a DV refuge, not in my piggish boyfriend’s flat.

In my twenties i lived on a canal boat, which got much dirtier than a flat because i had a coal fire, a shaggy dog, and a muddy towpath outside. I'd always super clean before my gf came round, if im honest it was part of the dating ritual. I'm 50 odd now, and i'm still the one that cleans and tidies to make our home nice. It's still a bit of a dating ritual too, i want my wife to feel good that we live in a nice place, and i make it nice to some extent, for her. I built our house myself, and i always feel proud when she's showing it off to visitors. It's a much more important, and romantic part of being a loving partner than people give credit.

@Heatabove

he's a skanky barsteward.

It will not get better.

This one needs to be thrown back into the gutter from whence he came.

Girl power!! 😂

Blimey, that would be my cue to leave! Wants you to do his cleaning every week? No way! Chuck this one back.

I can't believe that he gets you to help him clean every Sunday. Absolute brass neck. Please ditch this guy. You can do so much better. I'm incensed by this. Some men are just pigs.

He has zero respect for you and your boundaries. Getting you to clean up his stuff shows what he thinks of you.
let him sulk in his squalor.

I know this seems like a melodramatic leap, but... he's grooming you.

He's a slob. A slob who has already manipilated you into cleaning up his mess. You very reasonably objected, and he kicked off.

Worse still, and this is the RED FLAG bit: you questioned yourself. His tantrum and sulk made you wonder if perhaps your reasonable boundaries are somehow unfair to the poor man.

Run, OP. Block him and never look back.

@Weefox how kind of him then to let the OP clean up his filth.

He's using you. He lured you in with clean-and-tidy, so he knows this is the acceptable standard, but now he wants a woman to do his dirty work.

If you stay with him, you'll end up being one of the women on Mumsnet complaining that your partner doesn't do his share around the house.

There is that very old saying, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

Just tell him you're not coming over if the flat isn't clean. And that needs to include the bed. Dirty = no girlfriend and definitely no sex.

Maybe if he learns this now, he can be better for his next girlfriend.

How could you be overreacting? You have massively underreacted!

My bf is a bit like this, piles of clothes on the floor, dirty kitchen, but he knows I'm never going to move in. I do the washing up, maybe empty the waste paper baskets. But that's all. And I just laugh at his mess.

At risk of joining a brigade, just fucking dump him.

He doesn't respect you. Would you do this to him? Holding someone to the standards that you have for yourself is healthy, in the main. Stops this fucking hand wringing about whether something is acceptable or not.

Newsflash: it's not. Respect yourself and tell him to fuck right off.

You pay to travel to his flat and clean it. Thats a choice you are making and I'm almost tempted to vote YABU.

It's a very firm LTB from me.

OP, kindly meant but you have huge self esteem, respect and boundary issues if you are prepared to have doubted yourself for so long over his living conditions.

The burgers in the fridge is an extraordinary level of filth.

I would be very worried about your vulnerability.
He clearly has zero respect for himself or you.

You desperately need to invest in the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to figure out what is going on.

You do not want to end up with some abusive filthy loser, and children with it.

Two excellent books to buy to help you educate yourself are:

"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood
"Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft

Two books that will help you learn how to spot the wasters.

Raise the bar! He is a skank and no way would I be having sex with a skank.

Being messy is one thing. Expecting your girlfriend to help you clean during your time together is….a pisstake. At least he’s showing you he’s lazy and expects you to do the housework now. Don’t move in with this guy!

why would you laugh @Dillydollydingdong

Is it your role in life to teach him to be a decent/equal partner?

You were absolutely right, if you moved in with man child you would end up doing all the chores for him,
Its insulting that he doesn’t tidy up before you come round, he is no longer embarrassed that you can see how messy he is so he must think he has you in the bag

I'd put up with the mess if he was great in bed and made a decent cup of tea. I wouldn't help him clean and I wouldn't see him as long term relationship material.

Any man worth his salt would clean his flat every Thursday, knowing that his gf was coming on Friday.

He can't think much of you to let you see his place in such a state.

You are fool then and have self esteem issue which you may benefit from counselling - he's showing you who he is and your accepting it - your told him your boundaries and he's walking over them all.

@Maitri108

"great in bed and made a decent cup of tea" 😂

For God's Sake, raise your bar, I think you're joking but honestly....

Sex and tea? Is that all you really need from your life

Yes, it'll not change. My DD briefly dated a young man who had his own flat. His Mum visited every other week and spent the weekend scrubbing his flat for him, including changing his bedding. When DD asked him about it, it turns out that he and his brothers had never been expected to do any household chores at all growing up. Apparently he grew up in a household where Dad went to work and Mum did all the cooking and cleaning. As an adult he did the bare minimum cleaning until his Mum came to clean it properly. DD knew that if she continued the relationship she'd be the one doing most of the cleaning.