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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

287 replies

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:49

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 20/04/2025 11:11

Your mistake was staying even five minutes in that filthy house with no toilet seat. It should have told you everything.

Original poster
Heatabove · 20/04/2025 11:12

Pandimoanymum · 20/04/2025 11:08

He's personally clean and tidy because he makes the effort to shower and wash his clothes. Because he knows that being a smelly and untidily dressed person would affect his job and interactions with people outside his home. It's what society expects of us. But inside his home, that's where he can be totally himself and clearly his real self doesn't care about mess enough to clean it up. The fact he wasn't always like this shows that he was making an effort for you in the early days because he cared what you thought. Now he's got 'comfortable' with you he doesn't feel he needs to make that effort anymore. He's starting to take you for granted.

This is what I said to him, I said he did it at the beginning so why not now? But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

OP posts:
maddening · 20/04/2025 11:12

He has shown who he is - a messy man child - walk away

araiwa · 20/04/2025 11:15

I clean my house on a weekend too

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 20/04/2025 11:17

He's got it cushy hasn't he?
He makes a mess all week and then when you arrive gets you to clean up after him.

Next weekend if you walk in to that mess just stand there, look at it then say

  • you're not a 13 year old boy with mummy to look after you. You're an adult who is capable of looking after yourself and your home and you're choosing not to. This mess is disgusting and I'm not prepared to be your weekly cleaner.

And leave.

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2025 11:18

Do you also rope in your partner who doesn't live with you @araiwa and make them do it all?

Big red flag op

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 11:19

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:59

I honestly can’t imagine living with him. I would hate it. I just wouldn’t do it. Which I guess tells me everything…

Show quote history

There you go. Important thing to realise before you waste any more time on a guy who thinks it’s your job to mop up his spills and pick his pants off the floor because you have a vagina.

Pandimoanymum · 20/04/2025 11:20

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 11:12

This is what I said to him, I said he did it at the beginning so why not now? But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

Show quote history

Well, he either knows that it's because he's not trying to be his best self anymore to impress you and doesn't want to admit it. Or he hasn't realised, and it's a subconscious thing. Either way, shouting at you that it's nothing to do with you is his rather poor attempt at avoiding a very reasonable question.

Enrichetta · 20/04/2025 11:21

the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable

He responded the way he did to test you.

You know what to...

nopineapplepizza · 20/04/2025 11:21

You know 100% that if you’re now split and he wants to find another GF he’ll be tidy and clean for the next few months whilst he reels them in.

Then, if/when he does get a new GF she’ll slowly be asked to help do the cleaning when she visits and in six months or so, she’ll be in the same position you’re in now.

He was prepared to clean up after himself during the woo-ing phase, but once he felt he “had” you, he reverted to his real self - him expecting you to clean up after him.

You can do better than this man-child.

GeorgianaM · 20/04/2025 11:24

Raise your standards and find a man that doesn't live in squalor.

FearistheMindKillerr · 20/04/2025 11:24

I wasted the 3 best years of my 20s with a
loser like this. I spent so much effort trying to upgrade him, to no avail. In the end I lost respect for him and treated him like shit and he had the audacity to dump me (!) but looking back it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine living or having kids with him. It was a close call! 😅

yeesh · 20/04/2025 11:24

Fuck him off. Lazy dirty fucker

4kids3pets · 20/04/2025 11:24

I mean why would you want to be with someone who's so dirty and clearly sees you as a good weekend free cleaner

AcquadiP · 20/04/2025 11:25

He's correct in stating that it is his flat and on that basis he can choose to live however he wants to. However, he's been more than happy to have you help him clean up his mess on Sundays, something you are quite right to refuse to do. Can you imagine sharing a home with your boyfriend in the future given his laziness and slobbery? He's unlikely to change. I don't think you've done anything wrong, you've set a boundary and he doesn't like it. He's shown you who he is, the question is are you happy to accept this behaviour?

TwitchyNibbles · 20/04/2025 11:26

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 11:12

This is what I said to him, I said he did it at the beginning so why not now? But he says it’s nothing to do with me what he does and when he cleans etc

Show quote history

Except it does have something to do with you as he's expecting you to tidy all his shit up when you go round there! The tidiness (or lack of) is bad enough but his reaction when you asked him about it would be the final straw for me.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/04/2025 11:27

The toilet lid thing is just fucking bone idle.

If he gets in touch I would say ‘Look, you live like a bone idle student, it’s so unappealing. Fix the toilet seat for fucks sake. When you have finished a bottle of coke, put it in the recycling! This is stuff you’d tell a five year old, not a grown man. And if you think I’m spending MY Sunday cleaning up your mugs from the last week, you can fuck off.’

dontcryformeargentina · 20/04/2025 11:28

He doesn’t value / respect you enough to make an effort. LTB..

Arniesaxe · 20/04/2025 11:29

If he wants to live in squalor, that's his choice.

If you don't want to go around to his flat because of said squalor, that's your choice.
His reaction says it all. He is not a nice man for becoming angry at a reasonable request.
It is possible that this is his normal and he thinks you're being totally unreasonable, in which case you're incompatible at the very least.

I say this as somoene who's house is fairly messy too (nothing like what you describe, mind). I'd never dream of reacting this way if a girlfriend requested I make more effort. In fact one partner who had very high hygiene standards asked me if I'd clean my fridge before she visited and I did religiously (again, it wasn't minging or anything, she just had hers very organised and it really upset her if for example something uncovered was visible). And I did. Because much as it was differences rather than one of us being 'wrong', I wanted her to be comfortable and happy and a few minutes of my time was worth that. I certainly wouldn't have expected her to come and help me clean up!

TwentyKittens · 20/04/2025 11:30

Heatabove · 20/04/2025 10:58

It does put me off him yeah, but I don’t understand how he’s like this because his clothes are always clean and ironed. He showers every day, he always smells nice. He is a professional man with a full time job.

I won’t carry on like that, which is why I brought it up. I thought, if he could change it then fair enough but if he won’t, I honestly don’t think I can carry on. But the way he has responded has made me wonder if I’ve been unreasonable and has me second guessing myself. It’s not nice to dread going to your boyfriend’s house.

Show quote history

Listen to yourself OP!!!!

Why on earth would you ever second guess whether it's reasonable to want to visit a man in a tidy flat!

He is showing what it would be like further down the line.

So him not talking to you is great. Leave it that way.

arcticpandas · 20/04/2025 11:31

@Heatabove Has his mum gone for a long holiday? Just thinking.. remember from another thread about how gf found out it was the mum coming in every friday to do the cleaning so everything looked neat during the week-end when the gf visited.
Either that or he know feels he "got you" so doesn't have to make an effort anymore.
I would be so disgusted that I wouldn't have any romantic feelings left. Imagine kissing him while seeing his dirty underwear on the floor. And how often does he change the bed ? 🤢 I would exit this relationship.

Middlechild3 · 20/04/2025 11:33

If I knew someone would turn up on a Sunday to clean my place I probably wouldn't do much cleaning either. You've made a bit of a rod for your own back but no you're not being unreasonable. Stop cleaning for him.

Original poster
Heatabove · 20/04/2025 11:34

Arniesaxe · 20/04/2025 11:29

If he wants to live in squalor, that's his choice.

If you don't want to go around to his flat because of said squalor, that's your choice.
His reaction says it all. He is not a nice man for becoming angry at a reasonable request.
It is possible that this is his normal and he thinks you're being totally unreasonable, in which case you're incompatible at the very least.

I say this as somoene who's house is fairly messy too (nothing like what you describe, mind). I'd never dream of reacting this way if a girlfriend requested I make more effort. In fact one partner who had very high hygiene standards asked me if I'd clean my fridge before she visited and I did religiously (again, it wasn't minging or anything, she just had hers very organised and it really upset her if for example something uncovered was visible). And I did. Because much as it was differences rather than one of us being 'wrong', I wanted her to be comfortable and happy and a few minutes of my time was worth that. I certainly wouldn't have expected her to come and help me clean up!

You mentioning the fridge reminded me a few months ago I went into his fridge and there were mouldy burgers in there. I said ew you need to throw them away. His bins were full and I refused to take his bins out for him. Anyway the next week I came round and the mouldy burgers were still in his fridge!!!! I ended up throwing them out but how can you just leave them in there?! I did contemplate breaking up with him at that point but thought maybe I was overreacting. However it’s all just too much now. I can’t be with someone who lives like that

OP posts:
NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 20/04/2025 11:34

@Heatabove
of course he’s groomed and clean to the outside world he doesn’t want anyone knowing that he lives in a pigsty, loads of people are like thus though ‘all top show’

edit - after reading the mouldy burger post, that’s actually a health hazard 🦠

NotMyCircusButStill · 20/04/2025 11:35

@Heatabove My DP is quite messy and I did spend the first year or so helping him tidy up and clean his place until I got fed up of it. BUT:

  • he didn’t expect me to do any of it
  • he’s not bothered that I’ve stopped doing it
  • he cooks and washes up (he accepts that I won’t do the dishes since he won’t replace the dishwasher)
  • we don’t live together and accept that we may never do so (we’re in our 40s and have DC from previous marriages).

You, on the other hand, are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t put up with his shitty attitude - being a slob is one thing but he’s being a total bastard with his expectations.