To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

I think it’s ok to break up with him over txt/call as going to his means he will try to talk you over as he is about to loose his free cleaner.

Maybe his ex used to come and stay for a few days on Wednesday/Thursday and he pulled the 'let's have a big clean up on Friday' stunt so that the place was clean for OP's arrival.

It's a big mistake to go see him, @Heatabove . I think it's a mistake to meet him at all, but if you must meet him, you should do it in a well-lit public place.

Do not go around there.
That means you are open to him persuading you.
Your self esteem is too low to risk that.

Text him that its over.
Please start the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries.

You have done all the running and effort in a relationship where he has treated you like his cleaner.

His anger when you challenged this showed his contempt for you.

I would put money on him being an abusive man.
And you want to go over to break up nicely?

Send him a text and be done with it.
There is a reason some women end up broken by nasty abusive arseholes.

It is sadly behaviour like yours.
You deserve so much better than this arsehole.
Text him its over.

He’s a grotbag who doesn’t see a problem getting you to clean up his filth when you don’t even live there. He sees you as his unpaid cleaner.

He certainly doesn’t warrant a special visit to dump his sorry arse. A text would be quite sufficient and is all he deserves.

I know its probably immaterial now you have decided to end things...which I agree with by the way...but this behaviour around tidying up screams of ADHD. He is capable of getting himself organised and presentable around work but unable to frame himself to do mundane jobs such as household tasks without a 'body double' to assist him. Is he extremely keen on his job or does he has other hobbies he fixates on? Does he game or binge watching TV.? I reckoned he used to steal himself to clean up in the early days. I would def be ending it with someone like this especially around the anger and sulking.

He expected you to be his cleaning lady and put up with his squalor, got irrationally angry and mean with you when challenged on it, and then gave you the silent treatment for days? Give him a call to break up and move on. I wouldn't be going round his.

Please dont. He will sweet talk you into continuing with him! Youll feel sorry for him living in a mess. Before you know it, youll be marigolds on and up to your eyes with a mop and bucket and his washing pile. Just draw the line, block and move on.

i dont know how you ate/drank round there given the state of the place/burger-gate 🤢🤮

Adhd?
Anger, contempt and the silent treatment?

Nah.....that speaks to abusive arsehole.

Kindly but I so wish posters would stop accreditation for arsehole abusive nasty behaviour with ASD, ADHD, BP and any other acronym out there.

Sometimes arseholes behave like arseholes.

The challenge sadly for so many women is to accept that arsehole behaviour invariably is indicative of an arsehole character.

Just that, nothing else.
No need to bend yourself out of shape to excuse such behaviour from shit men.

We don't do it with women, just men.

Change the sex and this wouldn't be ADHD.

Just a lazy dirty nasty woman to dump asap.

Totally agree, an arsehole is an arsehole. It needs no further scrutiny (or excuses) than that.

I can't get over the loo seat. He thinks so little of you, he can't even ensure you can have a wee comfortably!

And he's annoyed you've folied his 'cunning plan' of the Housekeeping help.

I do think he's an arsehole and I did agree with OP to leave him. I also think there is no excuse for his anger and abusive behaviour. I still think he's probably ADHD as well especially with the body doubling to clean up.

What’s being young got to do with it?
Are you suggesting that an older person deserves to put up with it… ?

I’m saying this, coz when I was in my fifties, I was at a low ebb in my life, but fighting to rise above it instead of wallowing.

I met who I thought was a decent, kind, professional man.

That opinion slowly changed when it became apparent that he was more than happy to “let me” perform miracles at his home.

Admittedly I was stupid enough to believe that by showing him how his home could look, he would have the encouragement to keep it up.

Nah, it was so bad that his soft furnishings and carpets downstairs were the same colour as his (lovely) dog, cos the animals hairs were embedded in the weave.

Im typing this now, loads of years later, and I’m still super embarrassed for putting up with it for a year.

You OP, are likely a kind considerate person that wants to show her best self, but unless there is something you’ve not mentioned, it really does sound as though you’d be wise to call it a day, even if he hasn’t anyway due to you causing him to have a strop … imagine a woman refusing to help with domestic chores… surely it’s your privilege to clean up?

Let us all know that you’ve seen sense, and life alone would be way more preferable.

Mr Perfect might not exist, but there definitely is a Mr Decent, Mr Mature, Mr I’m not gonna take the effin piss…..

Take care

All I meant was that it’s potentially easier for her to walk away . As in, no kids, not living together, not financially enmeshed. Of course I’m not suggesting an older person should put up with it. Just that in more established relationships it can be harder to leave.

I agree with this. I've never understood this notion that ending a relationship has to be done face to face. Even if he seems like a gentle person, he might not be, and you're much safer doing it by phone or text. Besides, going round there is just expending more of YOUR time and energy - and haven't you wasted enough of that?

How did it go Op?

I do hope you haven’t been persuaded to relent OP. It sounds to me like he was testing your boundaries. Will she put out my rubbish, clear my fridge, deep clean my flat, let me shout at her, let me drop her and then get back in contact only when I want etc. Let’s face it he has you doing ALL the running, including travelling to his wasting your time and money in so doing.
He’s being a nasty, filthy, manipulative controller and this is your wake up call.
So what if someone has cleaned his flat, please find your self respect and keep it for your next relationship.

Do not give him the ‘respect’ of a visit as he has none for you.

This!! Please dump him. He's disgusting

I don’t think the relationship has legs. He expects you to clean his mess and doesn’t care when the house is a tip. Your future would be you cleaning up after him. A lucky escape.

How did it go @Heatabove ? Hoping it was a clean break and you feel better now

It wasn’t nice, but it’s done.

I understand that to people on here he is just a random man with a disgusting apartment and I should call him immediately to dump him and move on with my life. But surely everyone has been in a relationship before and knows it’s not that easy if you have feelings for someone and things aren’t so black and white. He has good qualities too, he isn’t JUST a lazy guy that cba cleaning his apartment. He is also very loving and does a lot for me, I suffer with anxiety and he does a lot to help me and is very patient and has helped with my confidence. Before this he has always been very kind. I’ve had a year to get to know him and develop feelings and memories. We go on date nights and have been on weekends away as well as a holiday abroad. We have days out and movie nights and he makes me laugh and cooks amazing food etc etc, his messy flat isn’t his whole personality.

But I really can’t be around the mess anymore. I just can’t do it because it makes me dread going round and shows a lack of respect for me in my opinion. The way that he reaction to me also was a big eye opener for me. So I did end it but I wanted to do it in person, which I did. It was difficult and he was upset but I guess we just aren’t compatible in that way. I feel sad

I hope you are okay after reading your very thoughtful post.
Of course, nobody is all bad.
Maybe you have given him something to think about.
Please be aware he may come back to you with promises to change.
But you can find all the positives you’ve found with this person, with someone who doesn’t expect you to live in mess.
You have been really brave.

Of course he was all those things I do not doubt he was kind and loving and funny... on the surface. But when it really counted, when you asked for a tiny bit of consideration, he got angry.

The best way to get the real measure of a partner is either to be ill or sayng no. Their response to that is the real them as they can't hide or remain masked. You said no.

It is hard, and totally understandable to take your time and really consider the bigger picture. Ultimate it sounds like you did the right thing, you deserve someone with all those good qualities who also does their share of the grime work.
Definitely not easy though, so be kind to yourself.

Op. I know it’s hard and not straightforward but it great that you have your deal breakers and this was one for you. I agree in that his reaction was telling . If he took it on the chin and made an effort to improve that would have been something but he wasn’t willing to do that for you.
maybe he has learned that a woman worth having won’t put up with that.

Did you tell him why so that at least he can learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again

I broke up with someone years over a certain aspect of his behaviour, I never told him why and sometimes I regret it as he is still single and probably making the same mistake

My partner & I both used to work 12 hour shifts
We were like passing ships
We lived together
I found it easier to do a couple of small house work jobs per day, to keep on top of things.

I agree that you are not his Mother

As an adult it doesn't take too much time & effort to keep things clean & tidy.