To ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come round?

[Heatabove]

I live with my friend, we have been living together for 3 years since we graduated from university together. I am 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. He lives on his own, so when we get together I mostly go to his so that we have privacy.

I go round most weekends, and at first it was absolutely fine. The flat was always very clean and tidy Friday evening, but I did notice he is quite lazy. For example he would spill his fizzy drink and just leave it! Take his clothes off and leave them on the floor, his toilet seat came off months ago and he still hasn’t put it back on or got another one. So I think he would tidy everything before I came round but didn’t keep on top of it.

Lately, he hasn’t been tidying it before I come. I walk through the door and my heart drops. Clothes everywhere, dirty pots piled up, the bed sheets all crumpled, empty coke bottles ALL OVER the place! Then every single Sunday he says “let’s do a big clean” and I help him clean up. It takes us a while.

I’m now sick of it and I spoke to him and asked if he wouldn’t mind cleaning the place before I came round because it’s not a nice environment to be in, it makes me uncomfortable and I also don’t want to spend half my Sunday cleaning his mess! He waits all weeks for it to build up and then does it on a Sunday when I am there to join in. And I don’t think it’s fair. I have my own house to clean. He has kicked off with me. He is furious. He said “how dare you tell me what to do with my own flat” and we haven’t spoken since Thursday night.

Please could I have some outside perspective - am I in the wrong?

It’s not the OP’s job to educate her ex on how to be a better partner to any future women he dates.

I honestly do not believe that this man who kept a clean and tidy flat at the beginnings of the relationship doesn’t know that’s what women like, he just thinks that once he’s officially in a relationship with someone he doesn’t have to try any more.

And you shouldn’t feel sorry for your ex; there’s plenty of information in the world about how to be a good, equal partner in a relationship and if your ex couldn’t be bothered to work it out, you shouldn’t have to take on the emotional labour of training him (especially if you’re not going to benefit from that).

This “lonely man” epidemic is entirely self-earned. If men put the time, effort and respect into women that they received we’d be more willing to date them 🤷‍♀️

I understand OP. It’s hard.

To be very clear though, my objection wasn’t solely the messy flat. It was the expectation that you would clean it. That speaks to entrenched sexism (in both of you actually). You need to work on that before thinking about another relationship. If you behave like a maid, they will treat you as one.

Was he sad enough to apologise, clean his shite hole himself,, change his behaviour and attitude and start showing you and other women some respect.

OP, remind yourself that while you feel sad you have taken the necessary action to make space for someone else that suits you better.

The longer we remain in incompatible relationships, the longer it is before we give ourselves the chance to meet someone else.

This is a brave positive move.

I heard some excellent dating advice.

1. Don't spend too long texting, you are wasting time if there is no chemistry.

1. See how he lives. Filthy house is just not worth it.
2. Watch carefully to see is he generous, "mean with money, mean with love".

1. Tell him No to something, to see how he reacts. If in anger and disrespectfully, dump.

1. Be unwell to see how he behaves. If selfishly and doesn't care about you, dump.

Not perfect, but will weed out some losers quickly.

"The best way to get the real measure of a partner is either to be ill or sayng no. Their response to that is the real them as they can't hide or remain masked."

Agree with this.

Right at the beginning of my relationship with now-H, I got cold feet and ended it. He was sad but accepted my decision, and was clearly trying to make an effort to go back to the really nice friendship we had before I made a move on him.

That impressed me so much, and made me feel safe. So a few weeks later, I asked him if he would like to try again. And here we are 25 years later!

If he had shown any anger or sourness, I would have run for the hills, never to come back.

How someone takes your no says a lot about who they really are. This guy showed his real colours. You dodged a bullet, OP.

"my objection wasn’t solely the messy flat. It was the expectation that you would clean it. That speaks to entrenched sexism (in both of you actually). You need to work on that before thinking about another relationship."

Yeah. I think it's always handy to reverse the situation ie if this guy was coming to my pigsty and I expected him to clean up for me and spend half of his Sundays doing it, would he do it?

Not on your Nelly! There's NO way a guy would do this. It would never ever even OCCUR to him to clean your place in the first place! Let alone do it!

OP, watch out for this kind of thing in yourself.

It's a shame he was a good guy in lots of other ways but the cleaning issue has shown his true colours Op. If nothing else his reaction to asking him to clean would have given me big doubts, he was angry you'd told him what to do, that's a moment when he showed you his attitude to women- he was happy to tell you to help him clean but you're not allowed to tell him. If it's any comfort Op that would have got worse with time, better to find out now

Spot on!

Bleurgh, get rid. There’s clearly no future with him. He’s showing you his cards - read them.

That’s understandable - I’m not keen on text/phone break ups either but in your case I think many of us were wondering how he would react.

Anyway well done on breaking things off, it’s easy for us all to say leave him, but it’s much harder to do. People are nuanced and he obviously had good points too.

Maybe it’s cliche but allow yourself to “feel your feelings” and grieve the loss of the relationship as you move on.

Well done, OP.

Did he try to fight for you? Promise to change? Apologise?

Set better boundaries in the future. If flat is a mess and you feel uncomfortable there, go back home and explain why. If he asks you to tidy his shit, have a little laugh as you say “absolutely not”.