I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

Your daughter isn’t as kind as you think if she thinks other kids are there to make her happy and she judges them negatively if they don’t act in a way that she prefers.

she needs to understand that a child can feel/behave any way they want and is doesn’t mean they don’t like her. How old is your daughter as if any older than 5 she should be aware some children are shy, some out going but it’s no reflection on her.

Your daughter isn't unkind she just says it as she sees it!
I'm much more like her and always (and still do) felt a judgemental feel from shy people, because I'm willing to yap and chat to anyone it can feel an insult when they don't feel the same.
Also quieter people often say the most intriguing, funny, witty things when they do talk! It can be intimidating believe it or not!

I can't stomach procousous children either so maybe I'm the issue

She's allowed to have opinions about the sort of children she likes and dislikes. You can tell her that's fine, but she still needs to treat shy children with respect and not make them feel bad. Beyond that, she may or may not revise her opinions as she matures and her understanding of human nature develops.

I think you need to work on teaching DD that not everything is about her. Not every child wants to smile at or play with a stranger, shy or not.

You don't like children who like couscous? That's.... niche

Tell your daughter that you was once that shy child.

I meant precocious sorry 🫣

Smiles can be insincere though

She lacks the tact to express how she feels in a more socially acceptable way, but that’s part and parcel of being a child. I can see her instinctive reasoning at some level: I find shyness difficult to rub along with because ultimately it’s such a self-absorbed and self-important emotion: other people really aren’t focusing on or thinking about you to anything like the extent you imagine and feel self conscious about, and it often creates such an insincere level of interaction because if you’re constantly thinking about yourself and how you’re being perceived and come across, that barrier impedes genuine engagement. Children are pretty good at picking up on these nuances, even if they can’t articulate them sensitively.

Did she actually mean shy or did she mean condescending/smug? Sometimes children don't get the nuances right. I've seen this in girls in particular because boys who are not nice tend to show their colours more outwardly why girls are a bit more refined. So it won't be "the shyness" that bothers your DD because the shy ones are likely to be relieved to cling on to someone more confident. Some precocious/mean girls will find your extroverted DD ott/childish and they will show a dislike/disdain for her without saying it out loud. Is that what she has categorized as "shy"? In that case try to unpick it for her so she can put words on what it is she doesn't like because it's a shame to put shy people in the same category as "I think I'm superior than you" type of people.

You've hit a nail here, OP: I was always just thinking of it from my point of view.

Shyness often comes from anxiety about what others will think of you, fear of being judged and found wanting. There's quite a bit of irony here - partly because social reticence does give the impression you don't want to be liked, so perpetuates the anxiety, and partly because others are snapping at your DD that "it's not all about her!"

She's only a kid but it's a great opportunity to start explaining to her what shyness feels like, so she could at least feel sympathetic. Tbh there's not much she can do, though - she clearly isn't plagued by self-doubt and I hope that stays with her, but she's not able to help a shy child look more outwards than in.

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job as her coach and supporter 🤗

I think that’s fair enough. I’m pretty shy in nature although have learned to adapt and if I’m brutally honest I’m not overly keen on big extroverts. I find them too much, too in your face. My kids are introverted but have lots of friends as they’re kind and funny once you get to know them.

Your daughter is attracted to other kids who wear their heart of their sleeve, that’s completely fine! Everyone’s different and prefers different kinds of people.

I presume your daughter is still quite little, op.

It's up to you to try and explain that not everyone is outgoing but it doesn't mean they don't like people, they are shy. She will learn as time goes on, bless her.

I don't have kids so my advice might not be helpful but I do wonder if you could suggest that there's a difference between liking as in recognising that someone is ultimately a good, nice person not meaning to do any harm and liking as in enjoying someone's company. You can meet people whose company you don't really enjoy because they don't trigger positive emotions when you interact with them but it's not the same thing as disliking them. And it's important, if we're around these people who are good and decent but that we might not pick as our friends, to still make a little effort with them and to try and include them where we can. And hope they do the same with us so we can all get along and not cause each other distress even if we aren't cut out to be best friends.

I understand both points.

Ask if she is saying “will you play with me?”
Perhaps suggest she changes her question to “may I play with you?” as it alters the dynamic on the part of the shy one.

I wouldn't take a passing comment like that from a kid very seriously.

What if the child that she does not approve of is being abused? the shyness stems from that? . Teach your child to care for others not to be an entitled little brat. To hate someone because there shy? As a Generation X i have always noticed that popular kids turn out to be gossip mongers and bullies, your child is heading that way,

I was fairly shy as a young child but as an adult I guess I feel like this too, shyness is a self absorbed state of being. There is often an ‘extroverts are hard work’ line of thinking but at work for example, if I am in a team with shy people you often have to do some of their ‘load’ too because ‘you’re an extrovert’. Sorry - off topic- but I get what your little girl is thinking OP 😄

DD was very quiet and introvert as a younger child. Even now, its a case of she doesn't say much, but when she does, its important.

What a unknown child might not know by looking at her... she had a speech impediment, and selective mutism. She did want to play, but couldn't communicate. Her best friends were those who accepted that she didn't always speak.

Watching her with other children was always interesting as you could work out who the kind ones actually were. Sometimes it was the popular girls, sometimes other quiet children, sometimes the lively boys.

I don’t know how old your DD is, but I think it shows a bit of lack of empathy for others. I think everyone can feel a bit shy sometimes. If you are a person who is never shy and always incredibly extrovert and without being able to tune into how others might feel, you might not have the easiest life either as other might find you a bit OTT.

Don’t be so cruel and hysterical. OP’s child is not an entitled little brat or a bully or a gossip monger for expressing an honest opinion to her mother. You don’t even know how old she is - she could be four or five, but even if she’s older she’s still learning how to be a human. She also didn’t say ‘hate’, that was your silly exaggeration.

You are such a hypocrite for complaining about this kid being a ‘bully’ when you’re saying a CHILD is an entitled little brat because she was open and honest with her mother.

This reminds me of a thread on here a while back about extroverts and introverts.

A self proclaimed extrovert was upset about a colleague not wanting to chat with them during the long commute. The OP couldn't understand why her need for interaction and entertainment outweighed the needs of the colleague who just wanted to sit quietly by herself during the commute.

The OP didnt get why her colleague didn't want to validate her and be there for her amusement. She just couldn't understand that sometimes people are quite happy with their own company and/or need that time by themselves to recharge.

You don't t say how old your daighter is but in an age appropraue way, you need to tell her that not everyone wants to play or interact with her all the time and she needs to respect that. You also need to tell her that sometimes people don't want to be friends and that's OK. It doesn't mean that don't like her (although not everyone will always like her and that's OK too). Remind her that she can't just decide she doesn't like someone because they don't want to instantly play with her.

Basically, like the example above, it's not about a child being shy, it's about your daughter learning that not everyone wants to play with her and that doesn't make them wrong or unlikeable. She needs to respect those boundaries and understand that different people like different things.

You talk about how shy you were as a kid. But there is nothing wrong with that. When I was growing up, the world was made for extroverts and if you weren't out there interacting all the time you were made to feel like there was something wrong with you. Thankfully it feels like there has been a big shift and now you're not seen as weird if you'd rather sit at home with a book than be out parting on a Friday night.

My children are autistic and come across as very shy.

They hate it when overly confident children bother them when they're just trying to play.

I’m quite shy, although I’m now able to be fairly confident socially. People that I don’t know well have often found me a little intimidating and don’t always warm to me. However, people do also treat me with respect, presumably because they feel they have to earn my favour. Behind my shyness I can be silly, gossipy and I really like most people but over time I have discovered that it is useful to have this veneer of reserve.

My DC are/were the shy children in the playground. They are pretty wary of being approached by random people. I used to feel sad about this, as I wanted them to be sociable, and I would look on with amazement at the confident children who had no qualms about coming up to someone they didn’t know and asking if they wanted to play. But now I totally get it, and can see the awkwardness and cringe on their behalf when someone comes over uninvited and starts jabbering on.