I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having a preference. People who appear very unresponsive when you interact with them can make you feel really awkward. There's only so hard I will try with someone who doesn't appear to want to talk to me.

She will probably pick up more nuance as she gets older so I'd hold off any heavy lectures about causes of shyness or to "teach empathy". Stick to simple things like teaching her that some people want to play but others might want to be left alone.

I think she has acknowledged how most adults probably feel too!
i am not a shy person in most aspects of life but I am autistic and seem to struggle with my sons school interactions that I should really be having.
I am fully aware the other parents both at school and clubs have branded me as ‘rude and ignorant’
this Is soooo far from the truth I just don’t know how to interact in this way and find it extremely anxiety inducing.
I would definetly make your daughter aware that being shy isn’t always a choice so she can try to see others point of view.

her opinion isnt a bad one at all she’s just said what she has observed but sometimes what we observe isn’t the same from every point of view x

I think this is a helpful way to look at it and I would be gently but firmly pulling my DD up on this if I was the OP - because it’s one thing saying I don’t like so-and-so to you at home, but next time she might say it in earshot of another child which would of course be very cruel.

Personally I discourage my DC from talking like this. ‘I don’t like you’ is unnecessary labelling and can come across quite mean. ‘Christine doesn’t talk to me which makes me feel sad so I don’t want to play with her’ is better as it keeps it factual and objective.

You don’t say how old she is, but she just needs teaching that people have different personalities and that she needs to be kind and give others a chance. In the same way that a shy child needs support to build confidence.

They're just kids, they need to learn and it’s the parents’ job to teach them.

How you respond to this really depends how old she is. If she’s age 4, a brief chat about the reason people can be shy, and if she’s 7, maybe a longer conversation about being kind etc, as if she’s that age it does sound a bit unkind.

How old is she? Guessing she is young? If she is then sounds like she doesn't dislike them as much as incorrectly assumes they dislike her because they don't react the same as her when meeting someone; doesn't sound that unusual if she is young but is something you should address and support her to understand.

I find it interesting that people find shyness “self absorbed”. I think a lot of people, especially outgoing people, mistake someone not being interested in interacting with them as the person “being shy”. I think assuming everyone around you wants to play with you/interact with you is equally self absorbed as shyness.

Maybe these children are shy. Maybe they just don’t want to play with your daughter. Either is fine.

My child (3) isn’t shy but he does like to stand back and take in new surroundings before jumping in. I think that’s a sensible survival instinct rather than the kids who fling themselves right into everything and talk to absolutely anyone unabashed, adult or child.

Maybe your daughter thinks of it in terms of what shy children make her do - it’s common to see a shy child make their friends ask for things, fetch equipment, speak up in a group. This can cause friendship fallouts at school etc.

100% this.

It's fine if she prefers more confident children, as long as she's not doing anything like teasing the quieter kids. Other children might prefer the quieter ones.

Some children are also just so incredibly shy to the point that it is very hard work to interact with them. It is what it is 🤷‍♀️

@Whatsuppppp

did you tell your daughter that you were shy when you were younger? she might develop some empathy for people who are different to her, if she heard about your experiences.

how would your younger self have felt to know that the ‘outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc’ children in your class actively disliked you for a personality trait or (as a pp says) a hidden disability that you don’t have much control over? Shy people can learn to be more forthcoming as they grow up, but they may well always be shy.

I’m surprised at how many people on this thread are saying ‘shy people make me uncomfortable, so it’s okay to dislike them’.

My first born is quiet. He is not shy. Those two things are not the same. He’s very very confident. He’s a musician and performs a lot in public and has led some big orchestras and played solos in big halls. He’s just not a big talker. He has a small group of friends that he’s very loyal towards but he also quite likes his own company. I think some people see him as shy because he takes a while to warm up, but he’s very comfortable in his own skin. He would much rather lead an orchestra or a 150 kids than go to a party with 30.

His sibling is the very opposite. He loves it when he does well, is dramatic in defeat, not a thought has crossed his brain that he doesn’t express and is great at making friends. He is unfailingly kind but also social. He’s the life and soul of a party and great at solving things when his friends argue, but he lacks his brother’s quiet confidence. He’s very very garrulous is but gets nervous on stage or when he thinks he’s under pressure. (And instead of being ‘shy’ becomes silly).

As a mother I worry about them for different reasons- I worry if Child 1 might be lonely, and if Child 2 should be less afraid of failure.

So remember we are complex beings. Not being endless talkative doesn’t mean someone is shy or lacking confidence. And the most confident outgoing people often use that to hide their insecurities.

I think as a child it can possibly be a different experience depending on age. As you might approach another for play or friendship etc and they ignore you or start crying in can be a not very nice experience.

She’s just a child who is trying to explain the way she has been made to feel. You can only explain what being shy is and being kind having grace etc. doesn’t need anymore thought than that

Er, don’t you think we really need to know the age of the child before you resort to name calling?

Part of child development is figuring out friendship and play.

asking someone if they want to play etc is a normal child interaction. I don’t get why everyone is being so weird /nasty about it.

one Child approaching another isn’t jabbering or encroaching. No wonder so many kids lack social skills. If this much vitriol is applied to basic interaction.

One of mine is shy but confident in herself. She can stand infront of her whole achool and say lines in a play confidently but struggle to ask a group of kids if they want to play. She finds kids like yours (including her brother) annoying at the best of times. I just tell her that there are lots of different people out there, sometimes people talk a lot and then the same person can have quiet periods. She decides how much she wants to play with other kids and if she says she's had enough or they are too loud or too much for her then I understand.

Your child is only stating how she feels. Other than telling her some people take a while to come out of themselves I don't think there is anything else you can do.

I'm not an endless talker, was definitely shy when I was little but have always had an inner confidence. I struggle with small talk but did hours of debate through, high-school, college and uni. Even now I'm sure of myself, happy with my own company but just not a massive talker or loud. I think people can think I come across as aloof but I'm just shit at small talk.

I agree with Lulu that a chat is needed here. About other children, you. I was a content child, am outgoing but also an ambivert, all my closest friends are introverts and that I can find that hard, fortunately Dh and the ds's are quite outgoing.

I have a child with socially anxiety and selective mutism and it's okay if an extroverted child doesn't want to interact with him as long as they are kind about it.

We have had 1 too many children say mean things in front of him and parents just going along with their kids cruelty towards him. It's hard putting interventions in place when you come across this.

Parents need to educate their children that everyone is different and it's okay not to get along with everyone but there is no need for being unkind.

OP, I appreciate your daughter said this to you in what sounds like to be closed doors but next time it might not be and she may just well be that unkind kid who sets another one back.

@beAsensible1 we are okay with other children approaching my child and attempting to interact with them, that's the reason we are there, to help him, socially, what is not okay if someone is quite vocally mean about it, especially in front of him.

The amount of overreacting in these comments is insane. It’s okay for your daughter to express her feelings to you, what she said is valid and is interesting to get an insight into her perspective. Personally I wouldn’t turn that into a huge lecture about how she needs to be so much kinder and bla bla
At the end of the day she can prefer the type of personalities she prefers, everyone is different

OP never said her daughter is treating the shy children badly or being rude or mean, she just shared this opinion.

I think it would be very different if she was saying mean things to the shy children. That I would be quite strict about.

A preference or an opinion is fine.

I agree with this and I have a very shy child. Ultimately children are trying to read signals and if the signals that they are getting is are unfriendly ones it's understandable that they might then be reluctant to approach.
I have to do a fair bit of work with my shy child as sometimes they can expect other kids to do all the work of walking up, saying hello and starting an interaction. Eh can come home from an activity upset that nobody spoke to them.... But they didn't speak to anybody and their body language gave off 'don't talk to me' vibes!!

Totally fine to be shy but also not fair to claim other children weren't friendly to you,... When you stood in the corner scowling and never said a word to anyone.

I think kids are just navigating social situations and we can't expect them to start overanalysing situations wondering whether to try again with a child because maybe they are shy....

Also, as an adult, I find conversation with shy people hard work. Possibly she’s referring to a similar feeling.

Either way it’s ultimately no big deal.

I could have written this post, though my DD is not old enough to say she doesn’t like shy children. She’s always trying to make friends with random children when we are out and sadly often gets rebuffed by other girls, oddly though(?), boys seem to be more accepting and will happily play with her or let her play with them. She’s not rough or boisterous but she is confident and excited and I guess doesn’t conform to stereotypical little girl behaviour. That sounds sexist but the girls we encounter are generally more reserved and want to play quietly, and have things just so when they’re doing role play etc. It’s interesting to observe even at this young age.

Fortunately she’s quite popular at her pre-school, despite only going a few hours a week, and has a lot of friends who are girls and I guess similar to her. They are older though, which is interesting. I think this is because she chats 19 to the dozen and they can interact with her better than 2-3 year olds. I do worry for her when she starts school but luckily there’s a while to go yet.

Totally understand where your daughter is coming from if she's young and still takes other children's actions at face value, she has time to learn how to interact with different personalities and think about why some people might seem a bit odd to her. If she's friendly and kind, just a conversation about why some children might be shy, and she doesn't need to feel sad or bad about herself just because other kids don't seem as ready to chat/play as she is, should help?

Going off on a tangent here but I've seen quite a few threads where people equate being shy/quiet with thinking you're important. I was a very shy, quiet child. It stemmed firstly from a teacher who was very critical of me and accused me of things I hadn't done, making me feel stupid and want to be invisible/ disappear. Then, just as I felt I was losing the shyness and becoming more socially confident, I started getting bullied - which made me feel worthless and I became even more quiet than before, thinking I had nothing to offer anyone and again, wishing I wasn't there. I see shyness is a form of egotism as it comes from a belief everyone is looking at you, but some forms of bullying really do make you feel like you're a pariah who everybody stares at and makes fun of. Especially when you have people who are supposed to be your best friends, telling you how stupid, ugly and embarrassing you are and pointing out when people are laughing at some aspect of your appearance of behaviour. I know that's a self pitying ramble but I want to address the idea that people who are shy, quiet or both always believe they're cerebral and special and think they're superior to others. IME, it's so far away from the truth.

Your DD isn’t wrong for having a preference. I don’t particularly like extroverted people who never seem to know when to shut up 🤷‍♀️

As long as she’s kind to them, I can’t see an issue. We’re all allowed to have likes and dislikes when it comes to the people we want to spend time with.

I think it's great that she can express herself to you and I kind of get what she means. It is hard for children to interact with those who are shy and less communicative but I also think this is the first step for her to learn to be more understanding, with your help.