I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

Why not? Do you like them? If you don't, you don't like them.

I think everyone is entitled to like who they want, providing they treat everyone with respect. It's okay to want extraverted friends!

Having said that, I was chronically shy as a child. As in, I couldn't say hello without going to bits, couldn't order in a restaurant, etc. Ironically, I'm now in a job that involves excellent communication skills lol (mental health nurse!), but I'm still socially shy. Or, it's more I'm a bit awkward than shy. I come across a bit offbeat/eccentric, but I am neurodivergent.

I used to really appreciate the people who were so extraverted they didn't mind my shyness. Once I get to know you I never shut up tbh, but I'm just poor at the initial stages!

Also, it's absolutely okay to be shy. It would be pretty boring if we were all the same, and I often think shy people are quite gentle in nature. I make sure to always speak to quieter/shy people and make an effort, because I know how lonely it used to feel. I think we should all teach our kids the same :)

Do people think there's a neutral ground between "I like this person" and "I don't like this person" because to me, it's a binary. Liking someone is positive, don't like is neutral. But is seems that many feel "don't like" is negative.

For those who do, what would they say for people in that middle ground? Or would they say they "like" someone they are completely ambivalent about?

Lots of interesting comments…

Some posters making quite a jump to implying my Dd is loud, boisterous, annoying etc…she isn’t, she’s just naturally friendly and not shy.
I think she sees them as not wanting to play with her as they’re not keen on her as a person.
I’ve explained it to her and also told her about how I was very shy and how it felt.
She’s only 6, so still young, she’s definitely not trying to be unkind

I know how hard it is to deal with shyness as a child and social anxiety and am massively relieved that she’s different from me, I’ve no idea why she’s so different!

This is one of the many wonderful things about children. They help you consider things about yourself and have more empathy for another perspective.

The important lesson for your DD is that we’re all different and some people are less outgoing. It’s important to understand this and keep being friendly and inclusive to them, e.g. asking them to join in.

However, if people are shy to the point of being rude or unfriendly, it’s OK to feel uncomfortable. But important not to take it personally or dislike them for it. Empathy and kindness are the important thing. It doesn’t mean you have to hang out with people you struggle to get on with.

Oh xenophobic and acting like a bully. Also can't seem to understand how capital letters work.

I think I would view ‘I like this person’ as positive, ‘I don’t like this person’ as negative, and ‘I’m indifferent to this person’ as neutral. However, this is from an adult perspective - I don’t think six year olds necessarily have that nuance.

Shyness is a self absorbed and self-important emotion?!
Wow! Aren’t your views very self-absorbed and self-important!

Extroverts who insist on filling space with their chatter and energy, regardless of how welcome it is, could be described in exactly the same way.

Everyone is different and interacts in the world in their own way. The judgment needs to stop, and this young girl has opened a convo with the OP which needs to be turned into a learning opportunity.

You can still suffer from social snxiety and be an extrovert - and I would say the fact she takes these things personally and that it is about not liking her (rather than just not wanting to play) and they are making judgments about her

I totally agree with this.

Too many people need to be "liked" by everyone they meet - why? It's incredibly unrealistic and just sets you up for disappointment.

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair — shyness can indeed be deeply self-absorbed. The person is often more likely to be thinking about how they’re coming across and planning what they’re going to say next, rather than paying attention to the other person, and the effect is exactly the same as being around someone who is arrogant and self-absorbed, because in neither case is the person actually really listening to, or seeing, the other person in the conversation.

Same here. Mine would do a “talk to the hand” action, or turn her face away, which came across as rude.

It’s another form of social anxiety it isn’t about being liked but a fear of being disliked or judged and overthinking interactions

What your DD says is she isnt comfortable around children who behave this way. I think thats fair enough. We all feel differently with different people. I think she is smart to be able to notice things like this.

it’s time to help her understand that if someone doesn’t want to play with her, they don’t want to play with her.

You and others may think she’s ‘very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc’ but to others she will come across as pushy, silly and overfamiliar.

It’s ok for her to be the way she is and it’s also ok for others to be the way they are. As a quiet child I wouldn’t have liked her, and as an adult she’d come across as precocious to me. And that’s all ok, you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

She’ll find her tribe and realise that she doesn’t have to be sad if someone doesn’t want to play with her, she just needs to move on and not care what they think of her.

As she is only 6, I'm wondering where she has learnt the (for want of a better word) label "shy"? And that shy = don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that

I wonder if this might have been fed to her from somewhere? I'm not suggesting you have done this OP, but it does rather young to have placed other children in the "shy camp."

I think that "I dont like this person" can be both neutral or negative, depending on the circumstances. I can really dislike the person or I can just feel indifferent.

She doesn't like kids who don't smile at her or want to play with her. I think that's fine and a natural response.

The label shy is a red herring, they might be shy or introvert or they might just not like her/ the other kids.

So long as she isn't mean to anyone she's allowed to like/not like people.

FWIW I am quite extroverted and enjoy chatting to anyone, I like nearly everyone I meet but severe introverts can be too much work to make a good friendship with. You have to see them on their own / not too much and in a bigger social situation you have to do all the conversational heavy lifting while they just stand there and they don't like x, y or z or whatever. It's like they have to make all the rules. It does sometimes come off as them not liking you, and perhaps they don't. My DD is very introverted and part of it is not really liking very many people (or definitely not liking them enough to want to hang out).
I can understand why a six year old would just play with someone else!

as an ex shy child believe me I did not feel self important or self absorbed, I felt SCARED.

I agree. I think the definition of shy is easily blurred by others' perception and interpretation therefore, terms like self important or self absorbed become interchangeable language used to describe shy behaviour.

Additionally, being quiet and being shy are not the same. You can be quiet without being shy.

Your DD is lucky and will probably not be held back in life because she can interact confidently with people. However, you have the opportunity to teach her some empathy as you were shy as a child. Loud, brash, confident people who can’t understand other’s difficulties are not as well-liked or successful as those who can also understand other people’s differences. Telling her of your own experience as a child may help her understand other children better.

Adults and children found monosyllabic, whispery, blushing girls who looked as if they hated every second extremely dull and very hard work

This is how I tend to feel about very shy people. It's fine to not be a boisterous extrovert. But if you are so shy that others find you hard work then it becomes rudeness.

I find whispering, in particular, very strange and am quite taken aback when another parent allows their child to whisper. It makes the person being whispered in front of feel awkward and left out. The parent will often excuse it with "Oh, she's very shy!" but that doesn't make it okay.

That's actually a really interesting perspective (I really hope that doesn't sound patronising as it's honestly not meant to, lol).

As someone with autism who struggles badly with social interactions, it always comes across as though they genuinely don't know how to cope with people who aren't like them.

This is how I tend to feel about very shy people. It's fine to not be a boisterous extrovert. But if you are so shy that others find you hard work then it becomes rudeness.

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't live my life to please "boisterous extroverts". If you find someone rude for simply minding their own business - then that's a "you" problem, quite frankly.

I have autism and have always struggled in social situations. I'm not actually shy, I just find talking to strangers really stressful so I'd rather just keep to myself. When people push me and keep talking at me, it just makes it worse.

There's shy, and there's sullen. Some children can be actually quite sulky or unfriendly to where its bordering on rude - i think some parents excuse this as shy when it is not really.

As a pp said, truly shy but polite/friendly children will tend to be quite pleased when a more talkative child wants to play, and will smile awkwardly back etc, join in, even if they don't speak a lot or need a bit of encouragement at first.

How old is she?